Thursday, February 21, 2008

Life opens before me....

tender life, short life...minutes continue on. there is no stopping time. one moves on, forward, embracing what each day holds. breathing in and out. stepping forward firmly into new.
i find myself amazed at the highs and lows of my life these days. i am amazed at the distance between the two one minute and then the next, i am at the other. grief is that way. grief is not at all something to know when it will appear. you can be fine one minute and then the next, you find your eyes filled to overflowing, dripping tears down your cheeks, spilling onto the paper you are above to place your thoughts in a place to store. then the next minute, you find tears of joy---with deep happiness fills your eyes...and drips again, down your cheeks again to the same page, not even finished yet with tears of sorrow. sometimes i feel it is too hard to even know the difference-which tears are in my eyes.
yet, they mix sweetly in this season---somehow--the bitter and sweet-balancing one another.

the fragrance of the opening rose, fills my mind and soul. i feel the hope of promise in the day today. i feel the hope of the rolled stone that tell me the tomb is truly empty and He is making all things new. i know the promise of what is ahead. random thoughts tonight-not clear nor concise, yet good.
i am in love, i am living in hope. i am sad too, i am so sorry to not have you here my dear sarah--to tell these joys to. you are present in my thoughts all the time, you are close. you must somehow know. God--so kind to me, so dear and kind to me. bringing me such a gift. so blessed, so treasured, so rich i am. my account is full. grateful.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

deep grief day

how blessed i am in the valley of deep grief and sorrow to have friends who have given me baskets of presents to open on days like this.

I have cards to remind me of the hope of god and their love for me. I have candles to light, pictures. Rocks and memories of times i watched this little girl or mine sift and play in the sand and throw water for the dog.

times that ache deep in my heart today, the days of long gone...the days of long gone. i find myself today in a place that has grown cold and empty. no one is there but me, i see she is gone, gone to a place that is far from here, to a place so full of life, and with hope to see her again. i can't stay in this place of emptiness, of no life. i find myself sad beyond the tears that have fallen all day this day and in the last few days. i need to walk back to the light of my life. it is so hard on days like this one. the wails that come from the deepest part of me run out of breath before i am done with the wail. it is a long and deep wail, unending, could take my last breath. how does a mother leave this place. how God? where do i go now, where can my arms hold another like her, what do i do with my arms now. what do i do with the kisses that were meant for her and her children. they aren't meant for anyone else. i have other kisses for them. what do i do with the songs in my heart to sing and the sweet stories to tell that only she laughs at. what is a mother to do? how can i leave this place of emptiness and cold. i know that to stay too much longer will break my heart, that is held on days by only the Father's hands and those hands who love me. i have dropped my hands to my side, i have hung my head in this place of grief. somedays the words in me would frighten even the pages of my journal if i wrote them down. i do not want to weep though Lord as one without hope, please remind me quickly of your presence. please show me your tender love and care. please fill my heart with the inner knowledge of her presence in your kingdom. let me hope in you.
the silence is so quiet here, so empty, no wind to blow through, just silence. aching, aching, heart aching that no medicine in the world can fix. maybe a glass of merlot will help ease the pain, but you coming and touching will heal it and make the ache less the best. i long for your touch, i long to hope in heaven like i talk about on the best of days. i long to bring a basket of that hope with me when i visit this place, to eat and feast from....but when i get here, i find myself naked, nothing in my hands, except my tears. how deep and hollow is this place, but no echo comes back even from my wails...just silence.
oh dear Sarah. you are so missed, so missed. so many miss you. i miss you too. taken in the best of your days...spoken by you. did you have any clue. to write even these words cause me such pain, so think of the day of joy turning so quickly to your death, to never say goodbye, to silently drift into the hands of our dear God. oh my....words that swirl in my mind but even can't make it to this page...words still in my mind and needing to be released to this place of emptiness, of things i will never know or have answers to.

My God, please come, please take my hand...please come...please bring hope to my heart today-my mother's aching heart...please help me God, please help me. Please help others to know that their words will not ever fill that place of deep questions and pain, but their faithfulness and steadfastness means more than they will ever know. i am grateful, i am blessed. even when it is hard, harder than i can even find the words to say.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

here he is---my love

Wow, how can one be so sad and so happy at the same time. Here is my fiance'. what a time this has been. I have been totally amazed at the goodness of God in the moments of my life since Sarah went to heaven on 9/27.
I am just still reeling from trying to live this life without her and in the same moments, learning to love again with an open heart.
It is the goodness and kindness of God to bring this wonderful man into my life. He is so dear to me and so kind to walk alongside this woman in her sorrow and new way of life.
God, please bless us as we begin a new journey together to discover the life ahead. All things are new to me--my life has taken a direction that I never knew I would take. I walk a new land-a place I don't know the names of the streets, don't know the language, don't know the signs. I am learning to love without fear, learning to live with hope, learning to live with heaven in full mind. I want to fully embrace all that is in each day. I know Sarah would be very happy for me and would be saying---"GO FOR IT MOM!!!!!" This is what she wanted for me--to experience true and lasting love in my lifetime. I believe this is the man who I will experience this love with. He deeply loves the Lord and that is core. I love the Lord too and will trust Him to bring all this together and in His time.
Miss you my girl. Miss talking to you--wish I could hear you hoot and hollar about this! I know you would be! You would say-"live full mom, live well, love deeply and freely--don't miss this." I hear you Sarah. I do hear you.