Tuesday, March 04, 2008
it is a fight somedays
intentionally....pressing on. that is what i am doing. i don't feel like doing it on many days-today being one. i am aching in my heart. it would be good to dig your heart out of your chest on days like this. i look to you Lord for peace and acceptance in this final loss. i know it is for all times on this side of heaven in my head and my heart is not wanting to open that mail. i have taught all these years to live well, fully, intentionally-pressing on--going for the gold. living with abandon. this is the hardest thing i have ever done. walking on...walking on and forward. leaving the place sarah last was...knowing no new memories will come and that i will have to hold the ones that are from the days past. i hate that. i hate dust on memories--no freshness in them, just past things and places. no new ones.
i know you and she both challenge me to do what this piece of art she created says to do. i will fight hard to live, to press on...please bring peace to me. please help me to live today, not linger too long in the days of before. i know there is a balance in this place-a place to remember and also to live. i think i am near the border of it, but somehow feel lost most days right now. i feel as though i have been caught in a thicket of briars and am getting all scratched in trying to get through this hard place to freedom. i cry out to you God--you must come and rescue me, bring me to the full land of the living---where there is air and life and love and hope. i could loose my mind in this place of trying to reckon out this tragedy. it makes no sense to me, but do tragedies ever make sense? how do people find hope to move on past the shock of tragic loss? how can i, and the others who also have lost dear sarah? so many still wrestling out the horror of it. please help me to feel you close God---to speak, you have been silent in the days of now. I need you so. i need to feel your arms around me, reminding me of the hope of eternity. i need to have my mind get to the land of the living-not dwell in this place of loss so much. i feel the tiredness of the mind stuff, thinking too much. help me to set my mind on you-things above--the hope of you. help to settle this soon Lord. i am weary, my eyes are tired of crying. i am hating grief. i am tired. i need you God.