Wednesday, March 26, 2008

looking


There are days that it just doesn't seem like it is possible that it is all true to me. I look longingly out to the horizon on my mind, my life...and just see the landscape has been drastically and forever altered. Hardly a thing is the same. My heart even seems to beat differently. I breath differently. I see differently. I hold things close differently. I never will be the same.
I went to bed that night at 10 p.m. Put my head on the pillow, missing you all day Sarah--knowing it was the longest time I had gone without talking to you--just emailing. Just had read your email about wanting the rain to go away and to pray for you guys that day as you wandered through the cinque terra...never knowing....as I laid my head down...you had already left this life....the phone call was still to come and wake me from my sleep. The news of you being gone...to wake to that news. To wake up in a new land. To never be the same again. It will be 6 months tomorrow. I cry with tears of missing you. I cry for all of us who miss you so. Still trying to find shoes that will help us walk out this new land that has only memories of you. How to live with passion and fullness. How to embrace a new love and an upcoming marriage---and not have you to share in this joy. I know somehow in my heart and soul that you know of it, but it is not the same. This challenges me like nothing I have ever been challenged with. How to let you go--how to release you, but keep you tucked in. My mind isn't too level anylonger. My mind fights to stay upright. My mind fights to stay in today and not look too far back or too far forward with you missing...
Grief is something I can not handle. I have to run to Jesus right away--to not even ponder a minute in it right now. Some moments ache like a searing...crushing, agonizing...and those words are mere shadows of what my soul cries out to be explained. Then other moments, I believe and can't wait to see you in all the glory of your new life in heaven. Such schizophrenia of the mind.
My dear girl...my dear girl. so loved, so precious....so loved by so many. May God help us all as we come to the 6 months of your departure from us...hold us Lord close...Christopher, my family, her friends, all of us who have felt the loss so deeply. Can you kiss her and hold her for me, for us?

2 comments:

Marty said...

It is like waking up from a bad dream and trying so hard to go back to sleep to change the ending and not being able to. I can barely stand it... I hate every minute of it. I sometimes try to figure out what we could have done to change it. But I know I can't... so I along with you my dear sister hold on to the only thing that can get me through... GOD! You know that He can't change it, but He can carry us. We also cling to each other knowing we each have our own grief, our own sorrow - not to be compared... but that it is something that binds us so we don't feel alone in it.
Unbelievable that we could survive 6 months... life does move on. I am thankful that it does. I would not have survived if I was still in those first hours. I too replay the knock on the door and know that God allows time to move on, so we can survive and look ahead with hope of what is to come. I love you Sister!

rebecca said...

Of ciurse I am bawling as i read this. You and marty are so vulnerabl and transparent with your thoughts. That is so wonderful... so healing... so painful... So God!!!!! I love u so!!!!