Monday, March 03, 2008

midnight again and not sleeping

when i look at this picture, i see such beauty and joy. how could minutes pass and end in such tragedy. 2 wonderful kids who had so much ahead of them-and had worked so hard to learn about loving and living out life. i ache again tonight. i am angry that you both don't get to enjoy more. i struggle with the truth of tragedy. tragedy means, no choice--but to walk out the truth of the end result. i feel your presence God--I know you will be present and help us. just today, i struggle with it all. struggle to understand and accept that this is so final and over.
talking to jill tonight and hearing her deep grief, talking to karen and hearing her deep grief, talking to my sister, my niece, my aunt, friends, so many and hearing their deep grief...ugh....and then piling my own on top of it---makes a big pile.
i wonder how to climb the pile of grief and make it over it. how will this begin to make any more sense. how will i live without her? how will any of it feel more at peace. Rick says the memories will someday bring a how can it make me smile...
i am wrestling with the heaviness of this, the depth of it, the anguish of this. i want to hit something and break it-to hit something over and over to demolish it--that is what my grief feels like right now--to destroy something that wouldn't matter to anyone but to me---to pour out the anguish inside of me--to empty it and to feel the dump it overboard.
i actually had lunch the other day with some relatives in florida and we were sharing about this story of sarah's death---over lunch, when all of a sudden i almost lost my mind...thinking--how do you talk about your dear and only daughter's tragic death over was insane! i wanted to stand up and yell---"do you know this is totally nuts!!! i am talking about her death while eating lunch." how crazy is that.
then i think about all you who may be reading this--what is happening to this poor woman...well, i am just hurts like hell. i know God will bring me through this--and will ease the soreness of my aching heart--and will bring peace. don't worry--it is just grief is awful ugly and messy. please don't try to fix it. please just pray for me and all of us who miss our dear sarah so. please pray for the comforter to come faithfully--daily, minute by minute to strengthen us and encourage us to press on--to not loose sight of the goal and prize. to love God with all our hearts and souls and minds. I will not give up. I will live with courage and honor and praise. it is just ugly--and hard and sad and makes me madder than i have ever been. i miss my girl. i miss my dearest friend. i miss hearing her talk and laugh and bring such joy to all of the ones who know her. i miss her life fullness---and energy. i miss that she would be having the time of her life helping me plan a wedding--making me laugh and be so full of joy. i miss that she would be maybe pregnant by now--and still trying to finish school and take care of all of us--and making us take time to live. she would be so intentional about all of it, wouldn't she.

we must honor that memory and live well. i am doing as good as i can. Chris is too---pressing on. pressing on....sorry this is a post that will not make total sense. it is late, i have been having more trouble this week with anger--just am mad to have to walk this out. mad...mad....sad....missing her...missing our stuff...missing all the new memories. it is so final lately...over, more...
heaven is ahead...seems far off....hopeful though.
miss you girl.

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