Monday, March 17, 2008
seeking True North, my dear Father
I have learned some things in the last days since I wrote. I believe God showed me I was leaning too far into grief and not into Him. He showed me I would perish seeking to understand grief and that I had begun to lean too far into something only He could do. He said again to me, like so many times in my life..."seek me first and my kingdom--and all things will be added to you." I had somehow thought if I leaned far enough into this terrible grief and sadness, I would walk out the other side, not destroyed, but able to somehow conquer it. I realized, it was way too much for me, would definitely take me out, destroy my mind, rob me of joy.
I am thankful for the ones around me who pray for me--who encourage me to press on. I am so thankful to my Father who said---"Enough Christine. Enough, it will take you out--but it can not take me out--I hold the power over death and despair. You will never be able to do this on your own. Lean into me-not your understanding. Hold fast to me and I will manage this grief. I will do it." I believe this Father. I believe you hold the power over death. I believe you will give me all I need to walk out this life and trust you. I love you Father.