Thursday, June 05, 2008

odd but it works for me

I know it is an odd picture--an elephant in utero---I so remember when you were inside of me Sarah--I remember the very private relationship we had as you grew and I could feel you and we began communicating with one another--and most of the time it was so intimate and no one else even knew. You and I were so close--from the very beginning. I never thought I would have a baby--so was so thrilled and also afraid because I had such trouble carrying you. I never thought I would ever even hold you in my arms. and were born. We had so many years together--so much holding and hugging and always touching, holding hands--even in these last years--while we would drive together---we would hold hands. Just always touching.

I still feel you--and know your presence in such an intimate way. You seem to be present still for me in the most intimate way.

Again tonight---you were there. We were all at the church and putting together the table stuff for the wedding and wrapping the silverware...and all of a sudden--Maggie played the song---"be" by Neil Diamond...and the others who were in front of the table moved out of the way and there before me was the most beautiful table setting with a beautiful seagull in between 2 tall candles that were to represent Rick and I. The seagull was you---and I cried...and cried...and so did Marty and others---we were all stopped for a minute or two---and your sweet spirit was present---tender, kind, touching...gentle...present...close. I felt you say---I am still here with you...I love you mom.

I love you Sarah. I miss you so--I wanted more, but didn't get more. I can't wait to see you again. I have to tell you dear girl...I am ok. I am blessed more than I deserve or know what to do with it---so much love poured out on me...the shower last Sunday blew me away--then the continued love and support through all this.

You are present. You are where we will be coming soon---not sure who is next. That always takes me out too---who is next to leave the rest of us? Death is so hard---so final, so exacting. But I try so hard to look to what follows the other side of my last breath here---and that is the first there. I am excited to come there. I also want to stay here now and experience this wonderful love and adventure. I know you see it somehow.

Just know we all love you, we miss you. I do feel you close--like somehow like when you were in utero---

I know this is sick--sorry to those who won't get this next part....but when I had my hysterectomy...because I had worked in the OR at that hospital...they brought me my uterus so I could see it. When I looked at it---they had cut it in half, so I could see the inside where you had lived. I was overcome with extreme wonder and astonishment at this small place had held the seed of you---that had been inpregnated by your dad's seed to mine..and you were the beginning of the biggest miracle in my life...and I was awed that God gave you to me and allowed my body to carry allow me to be the bearer of you. I took that great honor and carried you for those 9 months...and then got the privilege to be your mom for almost 29 years. Wow, what a privilege.

So tonight---I again am amazed that I had this close moment with you again today. Maggie didn't know about the song Be, nor even what the seagull means to me, so there you were...just my girl....present. love you

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