Monday, June 09, 2008

sorting, grieving, making it neat again





grief is alot like sorting clothes-straightening out your drawers--then coming back in and finding everything you thought you put away, pulled back out and hanging all over the place.
or discovering your inner room you thought was in order, all dumped out all over the place. so you begin again, picking up the first item and deciding where did that go the last time---and you can't remember...so you think...where do I want to store this, or do I really want to keep this hard memory, or has it outlived the purpose and you can actually throw it away--maybe.
then you pick up the next item--and find it is something you threw away and try to think, how in the world did it get back in here--or is it just close to what you thought you threw away. and how did everything get so messy again--and how did every drawer get overloaded again.
grief is like that--somedays, you think it is all in order...neat, orderly---each drawer makes sense. it is managable, tidy. and all of a sudden...you get slammed with one too many memories---like a rogue memory---and the explosion happens, the drawers and shelves all leap out and bend over and throw all the contents all over one another. you are lost again--hoping the life jacket of eternal hope holds while you flounder for a bit....tears blur your vision totally---and no thought is anything but wreckless and wild. no sentences make any sense. all rocks around you are too slippery to hold on, and you drift in the midst of it all....deep inside, you know it will pass...you will again have to begin the simple, yet painful process of picking up the pieces and smoothing them out one by one---folding them, gently lifting them...and placing them again in a drawer--the ones that are to stay. you begin to intentionally hold them up to your inner frame-to see if you have yet outgrown the need to keep each one--trying to find the correct amount of items and memories to take with you--to journey more light these days. the time to pick up and smooth out takes so much time and energy--so you begin to see your choice in this action--each time the contents are spilled.
wish we lived in a land that didn't have so many earthquakes, rogue waves. but we do, for now---and God help us when they hit...come and help me fold the fragile and precious pieces of my heart--and place them tenderly in place for today.

2 comments:

altered heart said...

Hi Chris, How very true it ia what you wrote, just the other day I was so overcome with emotion and memories, the crying was uncontrollable, I thought I was past that kind of crying, I guess not. You analogy is right on sister!! I am gonna stop trying to arrange my "drawers" Love you, Kim

Marty said...

Sister,
This for some reason made me think of when we were kids and we had to go through our summer clothes or winter clothes. Open up the all boxes of clothes that had been stored in the attic to see what would fit or have to be passed on because it was too small. I remember the musty smell. Then we would pack up all the winter/summer clothes. It was such a tiring process with the clothes everywhere...

It is still interesting to me that you are being married the day a new season starts... this this is so God! So as you are saying about what is in the drawers, it is like the box has been brought down and you are packing away the old season of clothes... looking at what is going to fit for the new season and letting go of what doesn't fit anymore... or passing it on.
Life does continue on... seasons continue to come and go... and we change with them. I feel the verse of this song in my head right now..

De colores, De colores the fields love to dress in all during the springtime.
De colores, De colores the birds have their clothing that comes every season.
De colores, De colores the rainbow is vested across the blue sky.
De colores, and so must all love be of every bright color to make my heart cry.

The birds have their clothing that comes every season... hmmm. I think your writing a bit back talked about the colors of joy and sorrow being mixed to see the beauty. Like the sun and the rain that make the rainbow of every bright color of love, His love to make our hearts cry.

Hope that made sense... rambling.. processing... it is good...
I love you my sister!!!