Monday, June 09, 2008
sorting, grieving, making it neat again
grief is alot like sorting clothes-straightening out your drawers--then coming back in and finding everything you thought you put away, pulled back out and hanging all over the place.
or discovering your inner room you thought was in order, all dumped out all over the place. so you begin again, picking up the first item and deciding where did that go the last time---and you can't remember...so you think...where do I want to store this, or do I really want to keep this hard memory, or has it outlived the purpose and you can actually throw it away--maybe.
then you pick up the next item--and find it is something you threw away and try to think, how in the world did it get back in here--or is it just close to what you thought you threw away. and how did everything get so messy again--and how did every drawer get overloaded again.
grief is like that--somedays, you think it is all in order...neat, orderly---each drawer makes sense. it is managable, tidy. and all of a sudden...you get slammed with one too many memories---like a rogue memory---and the explosion happens, the drawers and shelves all leap out and bend over and throw all the contents all over one another. you are lost again--hoping the life jacket of eternal hope holds while you flounder for a bit....tears blur your vision totally---and no thought is anything but wreckless and wild. no sentences make any sense. all rocks around you are too slippery to hold on, and you drift in the midst of it all....deep inside, you know it will pass...you will again have to begin the simple, yet painful process of picking up the pieces and smoothing them out one by one---folding them, gently lifting them...and placing them again in a drawer--the ones that are to stay. you begin to intentionally hold them up to your inner frame-to see if you have yet outgrown the need to keep each one--trying to find the correct amount of items and memories to take with you--to journey more light these days. the time to pick up and smooth out takes so much time and energy--so you begin to see your choice in this action--each time the contents are spilled.
wish we lived in a land that didn't have so many earthquakes, rogue waves. but we do, for now---and God help us when they hit...come and help me fold the fragile and precious pieces of my heart--and place them tenderly in place for today.