Monday, August 18, 2008
Released and Receiving...2 big words
I am in the midst of a big thing, and I know this for sure. I believe that God is teaching me something that will be forever altering me inside. I am undone most of the time, but beginning to see His hand bringing the image out of me---like Michaelangelo brought life out of a dead piece of marble so many times. We saw marble that he had started while in Rome--and it was incredible--also saw some in Florence--and to see the images beginning to take shape out of a square piece of marble is something to behold.
That is what I feel like so often now. God is doing something very new, very big in me. I have not been here before. I have to release things---from my heart and mind and soul---to clear the way to receive the new. To on purpose and with surrender---let go. Many things have changed in these last 11 months. I woke to a whole new scenery, new landscape---the players changed dramatically...and not at all in a bad way, just in a way that feels like I was abducted and moved to a whole new identity...or like one of those television shows about the guy who is given a new identity to protect himself...but I didn't get a new identity really---just many things changed....job, family members left and new ones showed up...roles changed---on and on...
so, here I am...given this incredible choice----to release the hopes and dreams and all to a loving and caring God--the ones which will break my heart if I don't. I was watching Master and Commander 2 days ago---and at one point, part of the mast breaks off when they are in furious seas---and a man fell in too with this and it was all still attached--and it began to pull the whole ship down into the sea---to kill all on board. The captain played by Russell Crowe had to decide to cut the mast loose--or lose the ship...and he did...he let the man and the broken mast go---
Odd....but we all have choices like this sometimes---and I feel like it is time to release...on purpose, with freedom---and then receive...with joy and love and gratefulness---the gifts the Father is giving to me. Now, don't get me wrong---this is not at all easy--and I know I will be doing this with a soberness and an alertness in the days to come as I have a very fickle mind that so easily falls into the rut of remembering...and staying there---sometimes too long...and then I have been sucked into the vat of sorrow, sticky and hard to get released from...so that is what I am learning. Learning is not easy, nor have I done too well on some days.
Do I miss you...yes....so much...so much. Dear Sarah...You are one of a kind...my dear one... my dear daughter...my loving and best friend. I so know in my heart that you are soaring like never before and never could have in this life...that heaven holds fullness and wonder and full joy for you. I am needed here right now---God has called me to love and be part of a wonderful family---and I love them. I will see you again. They will meet you too and I will be glad to have that to happen...as you would have loved to be part of them too. I know that.
This last picture is of us on the Walk of Amore-toasting to life...to fullness and richness. I was taught by many there of the fierceness of life, the hardness...and also the need to press on. I have learned many things before...and never knew it was so hard to then do it. Learning is one thing...doing is another. I am trusting in my Father to help. I am blessed with a wonderful man who is walking alongside too and good friends and family. I am rich. Thank you God.