lonely looking sky, lonely looking sky....

neil diamond's songs sing to me in the night hours....haunting my heart. it is a long night when sleep doesn't come. the quietness of flying in the air to lift one's heart above the sorrow seems to be a way to do it...to find the air current of hope and ride it as long as you can.

last night was a long night. thinking of the years gone by, of your birthday's and celebrations. we would be deep into it by now--what cake you wanted, what gifts, what friends to come and celebrate.

you always loved celebrations. you loved to make my birthday so special too...just can see your smile, hear your joy in your voice. see your determination to make it be the best one yet.

we will celebrate your 30th too dear Sarah. we will probably go to debonne' again and toast to the many "sarah-stories" and cry and laugh. somehow i often think you are watching to see if we remember how to make it that special...

i wonder too about the celebration of entering heaven--will you be on the planning committee. somehow, if there is such a thing...or maybe you will even convince God to let you start a new tradition there...to have such an event. i can only imagine the homecoming...ha! brings a smile to my face...seems like my face notices because i don't smile as often anymore.

i want to live life in that deep trust that you are so full of heaven and all it offers. i want to know this in my deep soul...and live with hope that shines from me to others. just one more time to run my fingers through your hair and sing a song, to kiss that "special place" between your eyes---that place i have kissed all the days of your life since the first time you were placed in my arms. that will be where i kiss you again when we meet. another smile...

thanks sarah...so being the dearest thing to me...for making this mom's heart so full, even now...with you gone. i have been so blessed to have you. my dearest friend. little did i know how short it would be...

God, please help to carry this deep sorrow...please help me. please help all of us...