Saturday, December 27, 2008

journey is long, hard

sometimes it is just a hard road. i ache, not every day, but when the grief comes, it is deep. i ache today--and have for a few days. just the holidays probably. have thought of so many people these last days who have lost others---children, parents, spouses, friends. then i ache more. just want to go to heaven on those days...and moments and be done with grieving.
i get sick of the ache, it tries to befriend me and i never want to be its' friend. never. it is not something i have sought out--and when you begin to talk about it with someone who has not had a loss like this---i can see it in their eyes---the fear....
it is fearful to think of possibly losing your child. your spouse, your friend. each day we get up and never know if that day will bring death. we just never know. what a depressing thought--and sometimes, when i need to talk...there are less people who are there that can go that distance to hear your heart. God is kind and I have been fortunate to have places to do that deep work of the grief heart.
Grief is brutal, total, devastating...deep, destructive, angry waves that kill...crush...break noses and bones and crush skulls...that is my journey. it is one i need to write about or i lose my mind at times...visiting that truth of the horror that happened in the most beautiful of lands. HOW CAN THAT BE?????? i try to wrap my mind around it and try to tame the thoughts and when they come, i just hold on...and crawl into my Father's lap and stay till the sounds quiet again. I am grateful for the one's who are around to hold too---but often these come in the middle of the night, or just when you smell familiar places of memories, places that brought deep joy...and now rip your heart open...jabbing at the emptiness that is found. these thoughts used to bring such smiles and laughter--and times to talk about joys with you dear sarah.
how i miss you today--- 15 months ago you died. i can hardly believe it is that long. seems so long ago when you say 15 months, yet my heart aches like it was today. another Christmas with you gone, quiet where your voice should be. holes of air hanging empty where your laughter would fill the air. it is almost like i can see the empty bubbles floating around...with no person to attach them to any longer....
sometimes i even depress myself...then begin the long process of picking up the pieces of my heart again and shoving them into my chest to beat and live. what a workout.
i am grateful to have a strong faith that knows this is temporary...i am intense and live in deep waters...and try to limit the time there as i would need medication today...somedays that sounds tempting to take the sharp edge off the cutting edge of is not good to live in this place too long...drains the joy i do have in my new marriage...can see in his eyes when he worries...and prays for me. see it in my sister's eyes...and that sorrow is there in her's too---that deep sorrow. then see Christopher's eyes...and those take me out...the hollowness that has learned to live there...
he fights to live too--and embrace his new land. we both see it in each other's eyes and that sometimes is too much.
God--help this new year bring more healing to the hearts that have heart, Christopher's heart, Sarah's dear family and friends. help us to have a song in our heart again--and joy of knowing our homeland is still within sight...and it is not is with you...where death is no more and tears are no more....and light is going to shut out darkness...and we will be with YOU.
help the coming year bring more freedom to live and love...and less fear. I WILL NOT LIVE AN UNLIVED LIFE. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL NOT DESPAIR. I WILL EMBRACE THIS JOURNEY AND LOVE WELL.

1 comment:

Peg said...

Hi Chris-
Thank you dear one for visiting my Grove Blog Space, so desiring to share life with you even by way of blogging! Am just getting used to the how to's of the formatting details etc. and trying to press into the feelings behind the words I a bring into that place. I long to move to greater authenticity and self revelation. Feel that in many ways need 2 blogs, one for just ministry stuff and one for just processing life in general... (There I go compartmentalizing again... Just thinking too much and missing too much all the while.)

Thank you Chris for always being in that here and now place, modeling that for me, reminding me, even as dark and suffocating as that is for you on most days.My heart constricts in response to the words I see on your page and tears come. And while your loss is one I have never known, still I ache for you my sister. I long for brighter days for you, when life doesn't sit so heavy on your shoulders.I also just want you to know though, that I see you standing... like that Twila Paris song... I see you standing in the fire, standing on the word, remembering the call I see you standing... standing... I see you standing... tall- I know that it must not feel that way on most days, that you must feel bowed down, leaning, stumbling... The watching world sees you standing, and we know who is holding you secure.

I know that I said it before, And I know that you know it is true, but feel I need to say it again... There is no time table for this grief thing. It comes and stays as long as it needs to, and wherever you find yourself in it is ok.Wish it was just some magical number of days so that you could anticipate its leaving. Still dear one,because of your true north walk I/we are learning... learning how to deal with our own grief that is or is sure to come.
Praying that you sense that you are held in this 2009. Just "Be" my sister and take care.