Monday, December 01, 2008

time to write...time to ponder....


Is Dec. 1 of 2008....only 30 more days left of another year. I just can hardly believe how fast time goes at times. It is time to write and put together the words that will make up Year 5-Life at Sea, Stay the Course.

Staying---means to keep to the path...the one carved out for you by the hand of God. His road, his direction. To stay means not laying down...not quitting..not giving up. It is more than we can do on our own strength. It means leaning and recieving from the ones around you on the path. For me...today I am grateful...for all the ones on this path..the new ones I have met along this journey---this year and last especially have impacted me in such profound and deep ways. The ones I would never have met had I not lost my dear Sarah. If she stayed, I would not have walked this way...but this is the path carved out and is mine.

Today brings a joy to this journey that I would not have expected. A deep sense of wonder and majesty---to touch the souls of others who have also lost and have a new language that is filled with words not ever spoken before. Eyes full of a sadness and depth that can quickly fill with tears and you can get lost in their depths. Yet--full of hope and love for life in new ways never explored before.

Holding on lightly yet fully to all that is left...and tasting slowly the new and enjoying the flavors of new friends and loves. Almost exploding with a deep sense of gratitude for the gift of a new moment...seeing the moments with a new sense of wonder and grace. Seeing the things you have done before with new eyes and sensing colors new.

This probably doesn't make too much sense...I find myself writing as the words fall from my fingers. I am deeply in grief still...missing Sarah more and more, yet releasing her more and more...just amazes me. If I don't release her and let go...it starts to pull me under...and there is no air nor life there...it is a frightening place...a place of deep agony and takes all my energy to not diminish....

but life...it beckons me to come and breath and see and taste and feel and wrap my arms around what remains--and to savor...and slip and dance, and laugh and spin and drink fully .....

I see another year ahead---full of what I wonder? I want to live as though...intentional, on purpose, fully....glorious...joyful...remembering...looking forward to the Lights of the City---and knowing someday...and never know when that someday will come...I will go home...and there will be for all time...with no more sorrow, no more death, no more pain, no more tears...no more...just fully home....EMBRACED.

1 comment:

Connie said...

ahhh sister....you express things well. a time to wonder....a time to ponder.....a time to write.....a time to express my gratitude for your place in my life. i love you! keep blogging.