Friday, January 30, 2009

ok, the heart is beating



last night we had grief group #2...and it was good....


but all night now, my heart has ached...beating, but aching.


when you talk about the losses in your life---"life losses"...it becomes very apparent quickly that we are walking a journey of change and loss...gain and loss...

and to hear all the stories of other's pains and losses...well...it just makes me plain and simple....very sad...and mad and sad...


my heart ached last night for the hollowness i saw in people's eyes as they describe their loss and pain..and even as i heard my own voice share...


and it will not stop in this life...the losses we feel or experience. that makes me want to puke. it is real work to be optimistic about anything...for you never know for whom the bell will toll....


and in this area of grief, i am ok with dying myself...whenever...but hate to think about the sorrow left for others when you go.


but...my sorrow...is still very present. my heart is beating today and the words fall like marbles from my hand...

i can remember when my hand held color and joy...and sometimes even now---good colors come and i hold them tight...and try to not be afraid of losing them too. what a workout life is...and i don't remember joining this gym...at least, who would on purpose join something that would cause sorrow.
i do think that Jesus was sure glad to face and defeat death...it compelled Him as he lived. i am glad He did it..and often think about His dad--and how hard that must have been, even though He knew...but death is done...what an odd thing though...cuz we will not know till after we physically die about the resurrection and all. unless He is coming back...before we go.
anyway...i need to write and just write, not figure it out...cuz i get lost in the darkness and hardness of sarah's loss...i miss her so. i fight to live and be present, enjoy and savor...embrace and hold close...and then i can so quickly lose it all and dive into the deepest part of the sea and get so lost in it all in a quick second.
i have a sermon to finish today---about your unchangingness God--i need your help...to talk about the faith to walk without seeing...and to know this by faith...to help point to you to others who have been shipwrecked and lost hope...
you will come, you will help. i do trust you. HELD. i do feel HELD.

2 comments:

Connie said...

you are indeed HELD by your Father. and also held up to Him by those who love you so much. may He give you all you need for this weekend.

paxton4evr said...

I read the title of this and think about the steady beat of the metronome you played for us at the compelled meeting... the parallel you drew between the ticking and tocking & the beating of our hearts...not knowing when our last day will be. but living it in the fullest way we can today, now -- minute by minute. I hold you in my thoughts right now, dear Chris.