Thursday, February 19, 2009

late again. i'm not sleeping...

we had a great night-the last birthday we got to celebrate together of yours. was thinking about it--and almost threw me into the table of older women when we tried to polka...of course we had been sipping that wine...just never knew it would be the last one.
i am up and it is late. just have nights that memories run through my mind and just smile. then my heart aches...just would love to talk to you. not too often, but often enough--i go to reach for the phone to call. then...stop. miss the casualness of what we had-wasn't hard to live life with you. i had such a good time being your mom. you were fun. you were great.
so, here i am, writing again cuz i just can't sleep. i miss you. hard to see life going on without you. hard to do this...somedays i don't know if i can. i am doing the best i can...and sometimes i don't know if i can ever take the training wheels off my heart. just didn't think i would have to do this. it is your worst fear---losing your child...then you were my only one...and that is something that would lear in the background of all the days...not close, but present fear...
now it is not a fear, just true.
heaven seems so far away today...and to hear your voice...would be nice. so many have dreamed about you and you were brilliant in light and joy--and you had such encouraging and promising words for them. i have not had any of these dreams...and wonder if i will...
i find my faith has been to lean on my lay on his hand and trust this is all true--this everlasting life know i will see you just throw all of it on Him and trust. so many don't believe any of this, or some of this today---
that just makes me sad---what is their hope?
i feel restless tonight God. i have too many tears after crying so long and often...seems like too many left...
the comfort of the tears comes, but the emptyness never leaves. the loneliness is so huge...don't think it is describable. the loss is more than i can bear. i can't linger there too long---need to walk back to what is...the present...and hold fast to the new. my fingers wander the keyboard to type things that would be hard to read, and then hit delete...but the words still fill my fingers and the fight goes, oh, my...this is a fight...grief work is a wrestling match. no simple words or formula. no well trod path that is well lit, no final answer that sums it up. for the ones who have traveled this path---these words ring true...for those who haven't---they just don't know...and never want to know.
i am rambling, still have lots of words in my fingers, but not making much sense...just writing and typing and it at least feels good to do that...even if not one bit of sense is made, it helps. some nights are like that....just no sense, no rest...thinkingoftheroomandwhatneedstobedone.
i need to move on this...and will.
miss you girl...miss you.

1 comment:

Gannet Girl said...

Such an amazingly beautiful young woman.

I do know about the long and restless nights.

OK, we need to get together. Email me at gannetgirlatsbcglobaldotnet and we can figure out a place and time.