Tuesday, March 31, 2009

such a long, long way home...

i have completed the room...at least the things i took...there are a few things left for christopher to work with---all her art---needs to be photographed so others can make prints if they would like.
i ponder so much, so many thoughts run through my small mind...and i keep walking into the unknown...toward you Father.
it is quiet in my head. quiet and sore in my heart. i hurt. i ache. i miss.
i don't say much anymore...the words bring no different ending. no new release, no new out. no new freedom from missing.
i don't hide, i don't avoid. it just isn't the center of talking much anymore...
not that i would want it to be...but now, 18 months into this journey---it just is a long long way home. i long for heaven sometimes....just stretch myself toward the homeland.
i sometimes get lost in thought about seeing you---Father...wow. seeing your Son...wow....seeing the others...already there....just mystifies me...is more than i can ponder for too long...get so lost in the thoughts of it.
but, here we are...coming up on easter again. i am glad for this season...so refreshing of what i totally believe. i know many others don't, but i do...and i do deeply, more deeply than ever before. don't want to debate it anymore either...so guess it is settled, and maybe thought of as narrowminded. i really don't try to tell others their answers...but if they ask how and why i believe, i am more than able and full of passion to share...and just tell my story and how i can see no other path but one. just one...and that one is Jesus. so....that is that.
but...as far as this journey of moving forward and on---i have much to sort through...much to touch and feel...and savor...and remember...it isn't enough, but it is sweet.
sweet, sweet sarah c. sweet girl...my girl. miss you so...right now, the tears wash my eyes, so can't see as well what i am writing...not too painful, just the sweet tears of your mom...your mom who misses and loves you so. what a girl, what a wild child...full of life, love and passion...so full.
thanks sarah--thanks for it all.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sweet girl, sweet memories

I have now been to Sarah's room 3 times and most of the stuff is now in my garage. At least it is moved...and now to begin to go through it a bit at a time. Feels less like a place that I dread to go now. Life has moved on even if I feel like I have moved slowly in this area.
Grief is hard at times---crippling, debilitating, sufficating, like you have no arms or legs and can't move out of it.
Then other times, it feels like there is movement and softness and comfort like no other.
Then other times, it feels like so much has changed that you can't even remember the sounds of her voice...nor the other voices of the ones gone on.
I am so mixed up on those days...is better to be quiet and slow to move.
Just this week, another friend lost her 14 month old daughter---same name....Sarah. my Sarah knew the mom---and they had talked some before Sarah died and were going to be on a Koinonia weekend together, but the mom was almost ready to deliver...her Sarah...so didn't do it. Sarah-my sarah, never made it to the weekend either as she had died shortly before. This new mom said to me...."your Sarah is with my Sarah." quietness in my soul...pondering that...
such a profound thought....our Sarah's together...however that is in heaven...wow God....somehow my mind just is unable to picture that. yet there is comfort. Sweet mercy...sweet mercy.
this picture is of Sarah's room before I started, messy, but the last of the view. art, neil, cards, always projects waiting to start...such a girl.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

one time done

have done one time now in your room to begin to take things apart.
it feels like you God, are somehow showing me the map of how to do this.
sarah, here you are in front of a map in paris--or spain...maybe you are with christopher and he is taking this picture. it was a month before i met you in paris-for that full, wonderful week we had together before you came home.
the map for this new journey i am on now is hidden in the center of God's strong hand. he is leading ever so gently to me and christopher and all of us who love you. the journey in grief is a road with no signs, no familiar gas stations or sites you have been to before, so it takes a long time...sometimes even tracing your steps as you get locked in a repeating circle of something you can't or haven't let go of yet. i am trying to not do that too much as it totally wipes me out...so i would rather sit and ponder and stay in a place till i am ready to move on. each of us have our pace.
what got me was that somehow it made it to 18 months before i could move one thing in your room. maybe if i lived there, i could have done it sooner or differently, but this was what it was for me. i am blessed with a son in law who gives me my total time space...with no rush, no words, just walking quietly beside this mom and holding her hand...gently. he is so dear. sarah-you would be so proud. he understands and learned so much from all this. he is dear to me.
so, now it is started...and somehow for me, it is ok. i found a treasure in there---your christmas list for 07 and then found 3 things you had gotten for me...tucked away in the closet---3 pair of colored ankle socks, a mother and daughter book and some "mom" magnets....all from marshalls--Ha!!! we loved shopping there. touched me so....will love the book....
so much to still do, but will continue....it is time for me to do this.
am talking today again about you with some people who attend a journaling class with the woman who wrote about the one year update for us this last September-she was from the plain dealer. you touch so many people still. sarah.
help me talk well and tell your story well. i love talking about you...always have. wish i had some new stories to tell...miss seeing new things....just holding the old...is hard to hear people tell me new things that they are doing with their kids...but that is life, i guess...it moves on...and you are gone.
we never know how long we have, so i am glad i savored the glass of life i had with you---boy it was good. well, have to go and get ready now....
love you girl...