one time done

have done one time now in your room to begin to take things apart.

it feels like you God, are somehow showing me the map of how to do this.

sarah, here you are in front of a map in paris--or spain...maybe you are with christopher and he is taking this picture. it was a month before i met you in paris-for that full, wonderful week we had together before you came home.

the map for this new journey i am on now is hidden in the center of God's strong hand. he is leading ever so gently to me and christopher and all of us who love you. the journey in grief is a road with no signs, no familiar gas stations or sites you have been to before, so it takes a long time...sometimes even tracing your steps as you get locked in a repeating circle of something you can't or haven't let go of yet. i am trying to not do that too much as it totally wipes me out...so i would rather sit and ponder and stay in a place till i am ready to move on. each of us have our pace.

what got me was that somehow it made it to 18 months before i could move one thing in your room. maybe if i lived there, i could have done it sooner or differently, but this was what it was for me. i am blessed with a son in law who gives me my total time space...with no rush, no words, just walking quietly beside this mom and holding her hand...gently. he is so dear. sarah-you would be so proud. he understands and learned so much from all this. he is dear to me.

so, now it is started...and somehow for me, it is ok. i found a treasure in there---your christmas list for 07 and then found 3 things you had gotten for me...tucked away in the closet---3 pair of colored ankle socks, a mother and daughter book and some "mom" magnets....all from marshalls--Ha!!! we loved shopping there. touched me so....will love the book....

so much to still do, but will continue....it is time for me to do this.

am talking today again about you with some people who attend a journaling class with the woman who wrote about the one year update for us this last September-she was from the plain dealer. you touch so many people still. sarah.

help me talk well and tell your story well. i love talking about you...always have. wish i had some new stories to tell...miss seeing new things....just holding the old...is hard to hear people tell me new things that they are doing with their kids...but that is life, i guess...it moves on...and you are gone.

we never know how long we have, so i am glad i savored the glass of life i had with you---boy it was good. well, have to go and get ready now....

love you girl...