pondering

I think life is perplexing to me. I have been pondering the fullness of loss as Karen's friend loses her 2nd and last child, after losing her other child 10 years ago. it is too much for me to try to understand. it is the greatest fear of a parent-to lose their children before them---and to lose all you have-even for me, my one and only...it causes you to ponder~as well as many other things...but today, i am pondering.

these days can take you out and that is a "not good place to be".

in this new land of "losing your child", i have met many people who are trying to find their new sea legs to walk.

i was telling Rick the other day-after I did the women's conference in Washington, Pa., where i told my life story as i shared about the weavings of joy and sorrow in our tapestry that represents our life---that the women at the conference who had lost children, they hugged me in a different way then the ones who hadn't lost a child...maybe i have just begun to think it feels differently to me...maybe they hug alittle longer, maybe hug a little more like---"my heart is broken too"

----maybe i am just thinking it so...i can do that sometimes...think more into something than is there...

but to meet others who have lost more than one, or lost one that you were in conflict with and hadn't resolved the difficulty, or lost due to suicide or overdose or something else like that---is just harder than the alphabet has letters to help explain. i am at a loss for words for any of this, but it becomes life to us...a new land, a land we never bought a ticket to visit.

i never in a million years thought this land would be one i would be exploring---i am an adventurer...i love to explore and find and seek and see and learn and understand...but never in a million years would i think i would explore this land...

it has been almost 2 years now---2 long and quiet years without her voice and her influence in mine. i have met people and have a new family and new children...and still have an unsteadiness in my step...a limp maybe only really noticeable to me at times...but it is there. i want to keep my arms open for all the wonders and new and joys this new land brings...i am trying hard...some days it is too hard....

wish i could find words to say what is in my heart...the words of deep colors and heavy that are still there, swirling around, longing to have understanding and freedom to be loose from my heart.

ache...it is always there...i am more accustomed to the feeling of it now, can live a whole day or two and not truly lean into it...and then...if i do lean into it...is still sore like it has always been...so take care to lean when can and have the ability to process and then wrap it back up into the fragile place it lives...

i ache today for Karen's friend who walks this journey again...and for my new friend Karen someone whom i have never met except for our blogs, but this woman has now hugged a woman in italy who has touched me and my family like no other...our dear paula...and also Karen has walked and seen where sarah died...how dear is that to me...more than any words i can find. brings tears to my eyes and a closeness that no words could say---she took time to touch a place that touches me...thank you Karen...more than you will ever know.

so, to end this post is like saying i have said it all--and that is a lie...i have so many words and questions and feelings...but they must keep swirling for now---i sometimes question the place of what sanity is when i say my heart thoughts as they look so raw and real when i type the words of my thoughts here.

so, today is a day of pondering, a day of being careful to walk~ not too close and then to go too far~ but to stay in prayer for the one's who hurt fresh today and to pray for those of us who have a grief of loss that is fresh in its' long journey...