Thursday, November 19, 2009

Happy birthday my sweet Sarah C....

happy birthday dear one. wonder what you are doing right now in the new place you have gone...wonder. wonder about my mom and dad and sister...what they are doing too. we just see so limited, and have to just stretch high and believe...up onto our tippy toes...stretching high with both hands up, reaching high...and still not seeing...but believing.

i have had the privilege of meeting others whose children are gone now too---do you all gather and know this where you are? do you see us touching each other's hearts in tenderness on days like this when we want to celebrate but instead remember...and hold dear the memories of days before? i wonder if you all are so thrilled we have connected--or did you talk to God about us and He brought paths of ours to touch one anothers...?

i woke today remembering exactly where i was 31 years ago at that moment...i was about 10 hours into labor and you were not descending, so they did an xray of my pelvis to see if i could even deliver you..and found it would be we waited 8 more hours to then decide to c-section you---and i still didn't know if you were a boy or girl...but i was ready...i had held you in my belly for many months---holding you closer...and then when i woke from anesthesia, i heard your dad keep repeating, "it's a sarah" it's a sarah"...and i can remember opening my eyes and they held you before me for the first time...and how absolutely beautiful you were...your slanted eyes, lots of brown hair, very pink...and then...into my arms...held close...

i hold you close today...i feel your presence with me as i remember. how you loved the story of your birth...made me tell you it all, every detail, every year...and i loved watching your eyes as you listened and would remind me if i tried to leave a detail were a stickler for all the details...

how glad i am for all those times...the tender and close times...glad we took the time....

blessed i have been privileged to be called mom by you...thanks God...what a gift you gave to me...what a blessed time it was...

happy birthday sarah c. pumpkin noodle...loved all of you...

as a mom...i sure could go on and on...and could just talk all day and night. i do miss bragging about you..and telling what you have been up to. i miss new stories and new things going gets harder when you have no new pictures to show, no new memories...that i don't like about the longer you walk down the road of you gone...ugh...that truly sucks.
so, i have to corral those thoughts...hold fast to the road i am currently on---wrapping my arms around the life here and not stay too long in the life back there. yet today, i pray...God, grace all of us who remember the dear memories of our bella sarah's life...and pick up each treasure and hold them softly...dearly, close to our heart...i am...and then hold me Lord as i hand each of these back to you so i can keep on.

see you soon's a toast, a yugabanuch to you today--one of many to come when we gather later...



karen gerstenberger said...

Happy Birthday to you and your beautiful, gorgeous girl. What a gift.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. As you do, you bring light to the rest of us who walk beside you. I'm picturing Sarah filled with joy, radiating her life-light, as only she can do.
God bless you, Chris.
XOXO Karen

Gannet Girl said...

A beautiful reflection, Chris.

Karen said...

so poignant...tears on my cheeks for your loss and mine. I do hope our children gather in Heaven and talk about us as we talk about them, and hopefully pray for us. I think they are doing much better than we are! It is hard to go on without them and, as you say, without new stories and memories being made. But they make Heaven a better place, and me eager to join them one day.
Hugs to you on this most sacred day.

Marty said...

Makes me wonder if when we "get there"... will you say to Sarah over and over... "Tell me the story of your birth into Heaven" and listen in the same awe and wonder she did as she heard you tell the story of her birth on earth? I believe she has seen what we went through... definitely have felt her presence along with the Father's so many times. So, we will get to hear the amazing stories she has to tell... bet she can't wait! Neither can I!
I love you my dear sister. I hope you can feel my footsteps always so close, always holding you close in my heart... you know... you know...

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Elizabeth said...

I just found your blog after you became a follower of mine. I have no idea what exactly led you my blog, but I knew the moment I opened yours why God crossed our paths.

My grief is different from yours, but still similar - loss can have the same sharp edges even if it is made from different material.

Your first paragraph in this post is so like what I wonder: do they hear us? Can they see us? Do they gather together waiting for us?

I could also relate to your posts from September. Every time a death anniversary creeps closer for me, I start thinking where I was and what was happening back then. My brother died on October 26, but my grieving for him starts on September 26 every year - the last day I saw him alive.

I guess my reason for sharing these things with you is to remind you that you aren't alone. And also a reminder to you that you can survive this. You'll be changed forever and won't ever go back to being who you were, but life can still be meaningful after such a loss.

I'm glad you found me. :)

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