Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Friday, November 05, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Never give up in Life video.
I saw this video clip at church last Sunday and last night after never going to sleep, yet finding myself resting quietly in my Father by morning, quiet in my heart, yet still so much swirling more quietly...that this song was playing quietly in my mind and wanted to post it. It is powerful...and good...and I know He holds me...and I will never give up, but run well to the finish.
Monday, September 27, 2010
so, 3 years, and yet, i would not be surprised to see you just walk in again right now--as the last time I saw you-you were so full of joy and life...and then the news came that you were gone. the long trip from turkey to Italy to see you and sit by your broken body with Christopher who was also so broken...and marty and tom and A. Bunny and then Chris's dad...till we were finally handed your warm ashes to bring back to america...
how in the world do you ever get to the place that any of that makes any sense...or can hold it as the story of you-life and death....
such a new land for all of us. i am here in colorado, looking at the mountains....getting ready to go on a guided spiritual retreat today--and I come to you, My Father, with a heart that has so much soreness in it and come with handfuls of questions....and pray for you to see and meet with me and help me to live better and more fuller. i so miss you sarah. i have been blessed with more life...and a full life....that is for sure....and still holding you and all our life and memories close to my heart. so many memories that will never be told again...so many thoughts and places we went, so many things we did...seeing you grow up from a child to a beautiful woman....wow...what a blessing...but then gone. oh my....how to keep on...how to treasure and hold close without it destroying you...those are the tender things that are still here 3 years later.
i am blessed to have others who have lost close now too, so most times, i don't feel insane in that place as i see them in there pain...their sorrow, their journey...and we have somehow joined hands, small hands...and walk this road of loss of a child...young or older...our words we use are put together one chosen letter at a time....to write to each other.
i am blessed to have my family still so close and still so missing you...each having their own grief. I am blessed to have her friends who loved her so....love hearing her stories of blessing them. i love having Christopher still close to my life and heart...after all---she challenged both of us to care for the other if you died...just like you to do that...such a girl.
I love having my new husband, my new family from him....and know you would love each and every one of them...you would love to have brothers and sisters and neices and nephews to love on and enjoy...
i love that i had you for the one i got to be a mom to all those years. i held you close but always loosely--as you were a gift to me...one I never thought I would have. but i did get to have you and raise you--and i sure am proud of you sweet sarah c. you loved well, you laughed well, you lived honestly--sometimes others didn't like that so much--including me a few times :o))), but you were authentic, a jewel in my life...the joy of my journey...thankful i am as yoda would say...
i miss you, more than words can write out of my heart. deeply.
these 2 pics---one of Christopher, who is right now on our porch...having a fire and drinking a beer...and many of our family and friends will be coming soon to celebrate and remember...unfortunately...i am here in colorado...but my heart is fully there with you....knowing this is where God has directed me for this year. The other picture is of dear sarah...i have posted it before...just a beauty, my girl.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 05, 2010
I have thought about her all day today. Not that I don't think about her all the time, but again--in a strong way, trying to remember things...her voice, her laugh...her presence.
This journey of walking on....on...on....
I have worked hard to stay present in the day-to connect with life in a tangible way, to keep my eyes forward, with memories and tenderness in my heart...yet not missing the oxygen that is in the present breath I take, enabling me to keep on...walking on....
yet, sometimes, for bits of time, I wonder if I am breathing...and in those moments...it all floods back...the deep and terrible loss...of sweet sarah c. so huge. so big...
God I miss her. I miss the fullness of all of it...every last drip of it. all done, all gone. Makes me crazy if I don't take another breath quick and fill my lungs with oxygen and remember to breathe again. God, I have armfuls of gratitude and thanksgiving..so much given to me to hold and embrace...and yet....I sure miss you sweet girl. how my life has taken on new dimensions that you are missing in...and will not be part of other than stories and memories.
just do miss you.
know others miss you--miss your presence, miss never knowing you...miss.
my fingers move over these keys, not knowing what to type, what key to press down, what word to create here on this blog that will help my heart...help me move forward....sometimes I type and sometimes I delete...forward, backwards...never knowing the correct word that describes the journey...no map, no secret clues, no foreknowledge...no help...
trusting God, holding fast, lingering in God's arms...having faith...believing even if it isn't true that I will see you again somehow, someday, not knowing when...
who is there, are you ok? Are you happy? Are you busy? Do you miss me? Chris? all our family? Friends? The cats? Your home? toooooo many thoughts, toooooo many questions...toooo many things begin to swirl and unravel...
back to the picture...she sure was beautiful, she sure touched many...she sure was....wasn't she?
Glad to have had her...thank you....thankful.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Haven't written for a long time. I love this song. I love that God fails us not...in all things.
I still grieve and miss Sarah so. I live and embrace the days at hand. I live fully, wildly, embracing the moments with the ones around me. I do not grieve as one without hope. I hope wildly in heaven-in the Kingdom to come. Sometimes I feel Sarah's close presence---a touch, a gentle connection when the veil seems so thin. I can't wait sometimes to go, yet...need to be fully awake and here till called home.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
have met so many who have lost a child now. so many with the look in their eyes i know.
even the hard talks...the ones that had us calling not long after the words were thrown...to say sorry...just didn't want to waste time...glad we didn't.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
i have had a hard couple weeks. went to a training on "peer to peer" debriefing...not realizing it would challenge me in the deep place of grief as really nothing has in awhile. i found myself wide open and swirling in images of sarah's death and all the details and happenings...just triggered so much that has been put away and not thought of in a long time...at least not so much at the same time.
i learned something...i am still very fragile inside...i may look pretty normal at times to the world, but inside, i am still just putting life together with the strong hand of God on a day by day basis. sometimes...minute by minute.
most days i find my thinking is able to handle and process events and things coming at me in a logical sense---like, "don't go there, Chris...just take it easy, you are tired, let it go right now...maybe tomorrow....blah...blah..." that kind of stuff....or, "of course they have no clue how that is for you---they don't live in this place of losing their only child and the future hopes and dreams...so they just don't know how it challenges you right now." and on and on...the self talk that people who have lost someone do to manage much of what is going on all around them in the normal events of every day....if you have lost someone...that sentence will make clear sense...if not...oh well...you may remember it someday.
but last week...well, we learned all about tragedy and crisis and unpacked each detail of it...and it retriggered it all for me--all over again...and i wasn't ready for it...so everything that was shared...well, I found a memory and in detail of the same...and by the time i knew i was in trouble...i was in panic...and was a mess...wow...i was totally caught off guard....
so, i finally left the training and called my grief counselor...whom i haven't called in many months for any reason like this...and couldn't even speak. she knew i was in Florida at the training and since all i could do was cry, she began to pray...and God came and helped through that prayer.
i learned alot that day...that i need to really pay attention to what is happening in me...and that i can only do what i can and to listen better to my heart and what it is telling me....
to pay attention still...i did better at that earlier in my loss, but it still has that potential to take me out.
i am better today, but sore...sore in my heart...sore that it is so real...and true...it is just so true...to have lost my dear girl...and in such a hard way...with so many unanswered questions that need to be left in the strong hand of God...i cannot take them back and try again to find answers to questions that have no earthly answer for me. it wrecks my heart....so....
thank you God for rescuing me...help me listen to my body and mind better in the future...to trust when it is too much for me and to know i can leave. i do not have the ability to do all of life blindly...but need to pay attention to what is happening to me. help me be sensitive to what is happening and my limits in healing. help me to realize it is still so early in this loss...
ahhhhhh....deep breath in and deep breath out....