Thursday, January 21, 2010

life goes on

no picture today, just words.

i have had a hard couple weeks. went to a training on "peer to peer" debriefing...not realizing it would challenge me in the deep place of grief as really nothing has in awhile. i found myself wide open and swirling in images of sarah's death and all the details and happenings...just triggered so much that has been put away and not thought of in a long time...at least not so much at the same time.

i learned something...i am still very fragile inside...i may look pretty normal at times to the world, but inside, i am still just putting life together with the strong hand of God on a day by day basis. sometimes...minute by minute.

most days i find my thinking is able to handle and process events and things coming at me in a logical sense---like, "don't go there, Chris...just take it easy, you are tired, let it go right now...maybe tomorrow....blah...blah..." that kind of stuff....or, "of course they have no clue how that is for you---they don't live in this place of losing their only child and the future hopes and dreams...so they just don't know how it challenges you right now." and on and on...the self talk that people who have lost someone do to manage much of what is going on all around them in the normal events of every day....if you have lost someone...that sentence will make clear sense...if not...oh well...you may remember it someday.

but last week...well, we learned all about tragedy and crisis and unpacked each detail of it...and it retriggered it all for me--all over again...and i wasn't ready for it...so everything that was shared...well, I found a memory and in detail of the same...and by the time i knew i was in trouble...i was in panic...and was a mess...wow...i was totally caught off guard....

so, i finally left the training and called my grief counselor...whom i haven't called in many months for any reason like this...and couldn't even speak. she knew i was in Florida at the training and since all i could do was cry, she began to pray...and God came and helped through that prayer.

i learned alot that day...that i need to really pay attention to what is happening in me...and that i can only do what i can and to listen better to my heart and what it is telling me....
to pay attention still...i did better at that earlier in my loss, but it still has that potential to take me out.

i am better today, but sore...sore in my heart...sore that it is so real...and true...it is just so true...to have lost my dear girl...and in such a hard way...with so many unanswered questions that need to be left in the strong hand of God...i cannot take them back and try again to find answers to questions that have no earthly answer for me. it wrecks my heart....so....

thank you God for rescuing me...help me listen to my body and mind better in the future...to trust when it is too much for me and to know i can leave. i do not have the ability to do all of life blindly...but need to pay attention to what is happening to me. help me be sensitive to what is happening and my limits in healing. help me to realize it is still so early in this loss...

ahhhhhh....deep breath in and deep breath out....

2 comments:

Karen said...

Dear Christine, I am always touched so much by what you write and I identify so strongly. I think because my son was also 28, but also because of your faith. I also know that feeling of thinking I'm okay and then finding I'm not...not really...not at all.
So hugs to you and prayers for continuing comfort to be poured like balm on that deep wound. The wound that won't really heal till Heaven, but we need strength to make it till then.

karen gerstenberger said...

Dear Chris,
I echo what Joey's-mom-Karen said. I love the way she phrased her prayer for you, and I join her in it.

You are telling a deep truth. It can happen in the blink of an eye - that wound can be ripped open again, and suddenly, we are falling. I thank God that we are falling into His arms, though it doesn't feel that way, sometimes.

The loss of the future we dreamed about is indeed a terrible loss. Sending love to you, and remembering your beautiful Sarah with you.