Saturday, February 20, 2010


I am near the end of another journal-seems that is where most of my words go any more. Life is moving forward. It seems like a dream sometimes-missing you Sarah. I miss your voice. I miss you calling-for no reason...seems like I don't get those kind of calls anymore, spontaneous, needing something right now. it is such a new season for me, trying to find my place...seems like I keep looking for that place, that seat that had my name on it...that when I sat in it, was so comfortable, so sure.

now, I am learning new words, new places, new titles, beginning to feel more familiar, more like it fits.

don't look back too long....will ache and ache...and takes so long to get my footing.

never changes the ending....

have met so many who have lost a child now. so many with the look in their eyes i know.

long for heaven, but love this land with Rick so. He is the best, the best gift. I am rich with the life with him, his kids, his grandkids...and they are becoming more and more mine. just takes time and time is sometimes so hard to understand.

grateful. yet so sorrowful.

shoes don't fit anymore, need new shoes to walk this land. sorting through the things, moving things to new places, putting new things up...moving things to precious spots to treasure... new things taking the place left open.

that is like the inside of my heart...trying to make room. room for life. honest to pete...this takes me to places i don't have strength for. don't have any clues...failing more often than succeeding...falling and getting up and falling and staying down.

early grief is just so wild, so full of every moment full of the loss....and now...seems like a solitary many things to process but more on my own...not as many people now have any clue how many triggers each day there are for me to touch and handle and cry only in my hold tears not to have to fragile you still lost you are in that moment you are fighting so hard to live in and smile...

sometimes i even depress myself! i know that sarah would want me to not get stuck. we talked about that too...we talked about how in the world the one left would move sure is not the same when you try to do what you talked about. Just would like to talk again...miss our talks...
even the hard talks...the ones that had us calling not long after the words were say sorry...just didn't want to waste time...glad we didn't.

wish i had a new picture today to put up...hard to not have a new memory, new pictures of new things.

i think i am slipping down into the place...and don't want to today. just wanted to touch here.

touching many of you who also write me, if you are reading.

i pray comfort to your tender heart today, may God's kiss press into your mom's heart today. that place that still aches. may He kiss mine too.

1 comment:

Gannet Girl said...

Chris, I don't know whether you'll see this -- you wrote this piece weeks ago and for some reason it just popped up on my reader in the past week. I've re-read it several times and I just want to send love and say "I get it."

The solitary path, the triggers no one knows about -- oh, yeah. A couple of days ago I said to a friend that my deepest core now is filled with such sorrow, most of it invisible. That will go away, he said with all the confidence of someone whose children are all living.

I felt even more isolation, understanding that my effort to reach out and communicate something about my life had been rejected. I understand the hasty and defensive reaction -- I wouldn't want to know anything about this, either.

So sad, all the time.