Thursday, August 05, 2010

"never forgotten, always loved"

Tiffany put these words with this picture of Sarah for Christopher for the widow's conference they will be attending this coming weekend in San Diego. He does not know about it yet, but she shared this with me yesterday....and it so touched me, so undid me for awhile. Such amazing eyes, such an amazing smile-and always will be loved by so many and never forgotten.
I have thought about her all day today. Not that I don't think about her all the time, but again--in a strong way, trying to remember things...her voice, her laugh...her presence.
This journey of walking on....on...on....
I have worked hard to stay present in the day-to connect with life in a tangible way, to keep my eyes forward, with memories and tenderness in my heart...yet not missing the oxygen that is in the present breath I take, enabling me to keep on...walking on....
yet, sometimes, for bits of time, I wonder if I am breathing...and in those moments...it all floods back...the deep and terrible loss...of sweet sarah c. so huge. so big...

God I miss her. I miss the fullness of all of it...every last drip of it. all done, all gone. Makes me crazy if I don't take another breath quick and fill my lungs with oxygen and remember to breathe again. God, I have armfuls of gratitude and thanksgiving..so much given to me to hold and embrace...and yet....I sure miss you sweet girl. how my life has taken on new dimensions that you are missing in...and will not be part of other than stories and memories.
just do miss you.

know others miss you--miss your presence, miss never knowing you...miss.

my fingers move over these keys, not knowing what to type, what key to press down, what word to create here on this blog that will help my heart...help me move forward....sometimes I type and sometimes I delete...forward, backwards...never knowing the correct word that describes the journey...no map, no secret clues, no foreknowledge...no help...
trusting God, holding fast, lingering in God's arms...having faith...believing even if it isn't true that I will see you again somehow, someday, not knowing when...
who is there, are you ok? Are you happy? Are you busy? Do you miss me? Chris? all our family? Friends? The cats? Your home? toooooo many thoughts, toooooo many questions...toooo many things begin to swirl and unravel...

back to the picture...she sure was beautiful, she sure touched many...she sure was....wasn't she?
Glad to have had her...thank you....thankful.

6 comments:

paxton4evr said...

she sure was beautiful, and she certainly touched me-- made a big impact in my life in just seven short weeks that i knew her.
love you so~ will message you from san diego. xoxo

Karen said...

I know it's so very difficult to say goodbye to all that soul and beauty. Impossible, really, without God providing the promise of reunion. My heart aches for your loss. She is so loved and never forgotten, and somehow maybe, hopefully, she knows that and says the same to you.

karen gerstenberger said...

She certainly was beautiful, beyond words that I have to describe her beauty.

I will always think of her when I see that gorgeous coastline, where she became a part of my life, through your words and her journey. May God continue to bless you with love and joy in your life, and with glorious memories. I wish you had her WITH you.
I pray that her love will be present to you, in a tangible way, for all of your life.

Robin said...

Such an incredibly beautiful girl. And so much love between the two of you.

I hope the baby shower is ok this week-end. I know that it will be so hard. All that might have been . . .

Jennifer M Karn said...

I went to Camp Widow with Tiffany and Chris. I saw Sarah's beautiful face on that wall and it made me sad. Her eyes just sparkled and her smile glowed. I did not know her, but I could just imagine how wonderful she was. Tears fell to the ground this weekend for her. She is definitely not forgotten and still very much loved.

Marty said...

I miss her...