Monday, September 27, 2010

how can it already be 3 years since you left living on earth? it seems like just yesterday i heard you coming down the outside stairs, talking on your cell phone to one of your dear friends with your "outside voice" and coming into the cottage-throwing your books, your oversized purse down, petting harry...going straight to the frig and looking in (still hadn't said hello to me yet! :o) ) and then looking up over the frig door and saying to me..."Mom, all you have is condiments in here!!" All this time you would be doing that, I would be watching and smiling at you--loving to see you so alive, so full of your life and all you were doing. Then you would come over to me--still on the phone and give me one of our "kisses" that everyone would laugh at!
so, 3 years, and yet, i would not be surprised to see you just walk in again right now--as the last time I saw you-you were so full of joy and life...and then the news came that you were gone. the long trip from turkey to Italy to see you and sit by your broken body with Christopher who was also so broken...and marty and tom and A. Bunny and then Chris's dad...till we were finally handed your warm ashes to bring back to america...
how in the world do you ever get to the place that any of that makes any sense...or can hold it as the story of you-life and death....
such a new land for all of us. i am here in colorado, looking at the mountains....getting ready to go on a guided spiritual retreat today--and I come to you, My Father, with a heart that has so much soreness in it and come with handfuls of questions....and pray for you to see and meet with me and help me to live better and more fuller. i so miss you sarah. i have been blessed with more life...and a full life....that is for sure....and still holding you and all our life and memories close to my heart. so many memories that will never be told again...so many thoughts and places we went, so many things we did...seeing you grow up from a child to a beautiful woman....wow...what a blessing...but then gone. oh my....how to keep on...how to treasure and hold close without it destroying you...those are the tender things that are still here 3 years later.
i am blessed to have others who have lost close now too, so most times, i don't feel insane in that place as i see them in there pain...their sorrow, their journey...and we have somehow joined hands, small hands...and walk this road of loss of a child...young or older...our words we use are put together one chosen letter at a time....to write to each other.
i am blessed to have my family still so close and still so missing you...each having their own grief. I am blessed to have her friends who loved her so....love hearing her stories of blessing them. i love having Christopher still close to my life and heart...after all---she challenged both of us to care for the other if you died...just like you to do that...such a girl.
I love having my new husband, my new family from him....and know you would love each and every one of them...you would love to have brothers and sisters and neices and nephews to love on and enjoy...
i love that i had you for the one i got to be a mom to all those years. i held you close but always loosely--as you were a gift to me...one I never thought I would have. but i did get to have you and raise you--and i sure am proud of you sweet sarah c. you loved well, you laughed well, you lived honestly--sometimes others didn't like that so much--including me a few times :o))), but you were authentic, a jewel in my life...the joy of my journey...thankful i am as yoda would say...
i miss you, more than words can write out of my heart. deeply.
your mom

these 2 pics---one of Christopher, who is right now on our porch...having a fire and drinking a beer...and many of our family and friends will be coming soon to celebrate and remember...unfortunately...i am here in colorado...but my heart is fully there with you....knowing this is where God has directed me for this year. The other picture is of dear sarah...i have posted it before...just a beauty, my girl.





6 comments:

karen gerstenberger said...

I never get tired of looking at photos of her. She is beautiful beyond words. The glow about her, in all of her pictures, is a life-force that I believe is still with you, still radiating its perfect gift somehow, somewhere, in the universe. And I do believe that we can sense it at times, and we will recognize one another when we meet in the "hereafter."

Your heart is wrapped in love today, dear Chris. I have the papier-mache heart hanging in my kitchen, too. Thank you for it, and for all you have shared with me. You and Sarah are in my heart. xoxoxoxo

Melanie said...

Beautiful...Chris it sounds to me like your mother-daughter relationship was so special and close. You had a relationship with your daughter some mothers can only hope and pray to have.I have 3 adult daughters and to be very honest we don't have that Godly closeness that you had with your Sarah. My heart is crying right now as I read your writings for you and my own daughters and they are all alive!(i hope you don't take that as selfishness on my part) They were all stubborn and still are, I don't know where Glenn and I went wrong and really I don't want to dig into the past as I then start blaming my life partner for things that were not done. It can get ugly. I raised them in church and reading the Bible but not one of them choose a husband that is walking in that way. I knew they were making mistakes and ones that were come between our relations as mother and daughter but what could I do? They more I say the more distance comes between us.I have learned to keep quiet and just love them but oh how it hurts to see them getting further and further from God. It is much like I lost them when they attached themselves to these guys.I guess I want to be honest with you as you have so-opened up your heart with your writings. I know you see the happy pictures of my girls and I am opening up and telling you its not as good as it looks!
I have immersed myself with your writings and am mourning with you on this 2nd anniversary of Sarah's heavenly home-going. We never know how long someone will be with us that we have today, do we?
You and I had such a short time together(was it 4 mths) we became fast friends,and now we reconnect and our lives are so different. We were such little girls back then in such a big Army world! I love you as a friend and Thank-You for sharing your heart on this blog and Facebook. It helps you and others. God is using you and Sarah.Is there anything more awesome than to be a vessel for God? I think not!

Melanie said...

Beautiful...Chris it sounds to me like your mother-daughter relationship was so special and close. You both had something many mothers and daughters can only hope and wish to have. I have 3 adult daughters and really we don't have that Godly closeness that you had with your Sarah. All three of my daughters have married guys that my husband and I both knew were not good for them. The girls started straying from us and the Lord when they became teenagers. We knew the guys they were attaching themselves to were not good choices. The more we said the more we lost their connection. I have learned to be quiet and just show love(but really crying inside) It really hasn't helped much. None of them are walking with the Lord.
I guess I just wanted to be honest as you have been and not let you see the happy pictures on my FB pages and think everything is wonderful; its not! My heart cries daily in prayer for them.
I have immersed myself in your pictures and memories lately with it being the anniversary of Sarah's home-going. We never know how long we have someone who is right here with us this day do we? Cont.

Melanie said...

I had to cont my comment as it would not let me publish a long one!
You and I had such a short friendship there at Fort Sam didn't we? We became fast friends, I guess it was for about four months wasn't it? You ended up going to Walter Reed in D.C. and me, Fort Ord, Calif.
We were such little girls back then in a big Army world! Now we reconnect after so much life has gone by. Thank You for sharing your story ,I mourn with you. I also want you to know you are an inspiration to me.You are a vessel for God and is there anything more Awsome? I think not! XOXO

Marty said...

You were sorely missed yesterday. God has been so good to you and I. The death of our little sister, brought us together as sisters and grew into friends. The losses we have shared and leaned on each other through. The loss of Sarah and the journey shared since has for me intertwined our hearts in suffering and joy. I love you my dear sister!
I am thankful God has you tucked close in Him right now... knowing He knows exactly what your heart needs... but I am missing you. Looking forward to hearing and toasting together when you return. I love you my dear, dear sister and friend!

Melanie said...

I thought the first comment got lost and wasn't saved so i tried to remember what I had written and put in a repeat...sorry