Saturday, September 11, 2010

things we hold close


funny...this is now my 2nd time doing this post as my first time got deleted...
so my first run of words is gone...
will try again.
I wrote about the things we hold close...and was talking about how the blue heart on the green paper was given to me by Karen G. while visiting in Seattle....along with the photos to the left...dear to me, held close now. memories...treasures....
coming home from our trip, I found the word sarah written in pipe cleaners on the table in the living room...left by my grandkids who had just visited while we were gone...touched me so deeply...so dear...another of the things I hold close...as I hold them close too...treasures...
and then to the right...a letter and card along with a silver necklace that has a box on it to place some of Sarah's ashes to carry...treasures from Karen j. Got this gift when came home-was in the mail...a gift to mark this 3rd year of my sweet girl gone on before to heaven..
so, the things i hold close are not only the treasures given, but the hearts of the ones i have known for long years and those who have come into my path of life in this season of loss. gifts...gifts from this road, my life now.
i am touched deeply, always amazed at the goodness of God while still here in the land of the living. I sometimes so want to peer across the veil to see them--these ones who have left too early...and just know....
just to know...would help, but it is not the way it gets to be. it is a faith time...a faith that is found under all the stuff that happens...holding the rest of it. solid, whole, not broken...even if I feel like I am.
a deep breath...a tender month...how did 3 years go by...
i still have 5 voice messages on my cell phone that I have to resave every 3 weeks...i lost one of them this year...a dropped call while listening to them...and i cried and cried...like losing her fresh...
i listened to your voice yesterday...wishing me my 55th happy birthday...telling me that thousands of wonderful things would happen to me this year...and many did...but losing you in the days of that year were not part of the wonderful things...but it was one of the most powerful things...and then in the midst of this loss, I met so many new people, went to lands I would have never known--physically, mentally, emotionally....spiritually...the journey still goes on to this day...
never do I know or have an idea of the new things that will come across my path...i now see with different eyes, hear with different ears, smell differently, taste with passion...sip more, eat slower with deliberateness...touch and hold with tenderness..care...carefullness...but never holding it too close...never owning another thing in this life...knowing it is all part of the journey, grateful for the journey. grateful for the ones with me on this journey.
still my heart is quite sore right now...remembering...and trying to keep breathing...these anniversary months are hard...
i won't be here at home on the anniversary this year...will be on a guided spiritual retreat in Estes Park, Colorado at the Barnabus training...we prayed and I felt it was what I needed to do with Rick right now...but many will gather here on the beach with Chris and I know my heart will come and be here too...I hope that I will be ok that day...I want to hear God clearly that day...and trust Him in that day...
I wish my thoughts could come clear right now...it seems that my heart is still some unsettled with leaving here at that day. God come and help...I want to live well right now...and trust...and keep on going forward...to that home that will never end, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death...thank God.
I am glad for my companions...my dear friends who still are close in this path...
well, that is enough for now...

3 comments:

karen gerstenberger said...

Your treasures in my home, and my treasures in yours. It is such a miracle, that we have met. I still can feel that deep hug, and the presence of our girls wrapping us in love as me first met "IRL" outside of Il Fornaio. How fitting, to spend the afternoon in an Italian restaurant, drinking wine, talking, crying and laughing with you.
I feel sure that our friendship is a gift from God's hands through Sarah's and Katie's spirits, to us. Be sure that I will be thinking of you and holding you close on the day, and as it approaches.
XOXOXOXOXO my friend.

Karen said...

That was beautiful and such an expression of my heart too...especially the part about "never owning another thing in this life". Me too. I now know how fleeting it all is, and that all that remains is the love we share with God and one another. Everything is different now. My thoughts and prayers are very much with you in this tender month.
Love and hugs, Karen J.

deb said...

may I quietly offer my words ,
hold you in the arms of someone who is profoundly moved reading your story on Karen's blog?

may you continue to find peace as you walk this journey. I cannot imagine, but then we never can.

prayers.