Friday, August 17, 2012

Almost 5 years now walking this journey of life now with Sarah in heaven.  Getting ready in about 5 weeks to travel back to this land where you died.  I have met many people in these years who too have lost their most precious child--whether young or almost as old or older than me...


As I near this 5 year mark, I find that words are harder to find...like in a scrabble game--waiting to find the right letters to make a word you don't even know yet you will use....


I find these letters not making sense---much like the journey of grief is...many days doesn't make sense at all.  I find myself looking at these squares, trying to find meaning, a word to describe my tender heart...something that will bring understanding to what makes no sense at all.

I am glad for the blank squares--sometimes those work best of all...I can make up a word that fits when nothing in my life seems to fit.

I am sore in my heart these days--sore for my friends who have lost and have birthdays with no one there to blow out the candles for the day at hand...
sore for friends who have to honor their own day when their child left them too.



Sore for my own family who also misses Sarah...and will journey with me and Rick...to this land that somehow holds something so precious.  A journey that may make no sense to many, but the most sense to me. 



Wouldn't it be nice to have it so easy to put together the words like the ones above to describe your heart...Life is not anything like this, but today it makes sense to try to pick up letter by letter...and place it somewhere to make it make sense...

5 comments:

Robin said...

We are all reeling this month, aren't we?

christine said...

Robin, I am thinking too of you and your days in the next weeks to come. I am so glad to have met you and journey with you...but it could have been in any other way...but it isn't. I hold you close dear friend.

karen gerstenberger said...

Sending much love and tender thoughts to you. It is hard to believe that our girls passed away so close in time to one another, and that it has been 5 years. Those words do indeed have no meaning - they make no sense...how can they, when our children are written in our hearts and souls, in our bodies, yet we cannot hold them here any longer?
Mystery.
And yet we know and believe that He is with us, with them, and that He is FOR us. May His deep love envelop you and comfort your tender heart, dear Chris. xoxox

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

Please let us all know how your journey goes...I'll be following along in this virtual world.

Karen said...

Ahh, your poetry always breaks my heart, breaks through the defensive crust of numbness, makes me feel understood. I understand your loss. Of course not all of it. It's so personal. But I do understand the wordlessness, the void, of not having our beautiful, vibrant children with us for another year. The empty place they leave behind. Holding you in my heart as this trip draws near. Feeling the tension of it. The necessity of it, and the fear of it. All my love and prayers, beautiful mama.