Sunday, June 29, 2014

Time goes slow when you wait for someone to leave

We have been vigiling for 11 days now at Hospice House. We talk to others who have been here longer. Amazing how tiring it is. Sitting, waiting, watching for signs...wondering.
My sweet brother looks so tired... I've have run out of things to say, everyone has run out of things to say.
What a time, a time of itchiness....restlessness.
Laurie is quiet now, she is still. Hadn't eaten a thing for weeks. Has no kidneys so nothing out. How in the world does she keep on?
They veil feels thin, I have a sense of wonder. By midday we are all more testy with one another. Everyone is near and trying to walk together.

So, God, help us. Help us walk this very well, a witness to each other and to others.

Friday, June 27, 2014


I have never been witness to such extravagant visioning. My sister in law, Laurie, is seeing things that being the biggest smile to her face. She sleeps most if the time and then, all is a sudden wakes abruptly, and throws her hand up in the air and looks wide-eyed and smiles and looks all around...WOW!!!!!!

What does she see, what wonders are before her...I just watch, knowing it is so sacred of a time. My heart aches to go, yet also to stay...

Thursday, June 19, 2014

New land is in site

We meet with the people for Hospice House transition this morning at 9.  We are now waiting for a bed...means someone has to die that is in one of there beds, so you, Laurie, can be transported to that bed for your remaining days here.

Funny, if it can be funny...that there would be a vacancy sign lit telling these special end of life travelers...We have a bed for you.

Saw a large group at icu Wii just lost their young daughter,/friend to a drug overdose walk out her last moments these last days..seeing them help her give 6 parts of her body as an organ donor to others before leaving earth.

This journey if my own loss of Sarah has changed me so much as I walk slowly senses are heightened...listening, watching with my soul's eyes....

My sister Marty said she keeps hearing in her heart, Sarah telling her..."I''ll take it from here".  So Sarah, are you near too...ah...someday, I will know too.

So today we will begin the turn...the turn to home for you Laurie...Bless these tender moments.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Walking near the borderlands

So, it is another time in my life to be so near the border of heaven, handing off my sister in law alongside her husband and daughter and our family, to the beginning of the next land.
Sacred ground. Walking around in the ICU and watching the faces of all the families....seeing the flurry of activity and yet....seeing the unseen...soft shapes of angels all around. Can hear the footsteps....

Such a tender and real time again.  I feel in my heart I live with a consciousness of heaven so very close all the time.  It is like the voices and noises of this heaven is so very near, and at times like now, so so near.

I watch this place of wrestling and restlessness in you Laurie--and feel you are seeing and knowing this transitional place and see your eyes not seeing just here any more.  Your body is failing right before our eyes. It is worn.  It is done with this fight.  10 years ago when I was starting this blog, I was watching my mom begin this transition.  Watching her begin to lay down her failing body and life here.  Now we watch you.
Our voices no longer seem to have any sound that reaches you...

I remember seeing my sweet Sarah's body after she had already laid it down was such a deep soul teaching to me, it was empty, longer needed.  Like a discarded glove....crumpled, left.  Knowing in my soul there was more and you had gone on to that.  

Now I am watching again, a ringside seat...watching you breathe difficult and painful breaths.  Watching you struggle so at something I am sitting her and doing without even thinking.  Breathe in, breathe out.  over and thought. Yet, now your breaths are numbered, they are becoming are beginning to run out.  Run out of heartbeats, all the things keeping your broken body going. 

What a journey you have had all these sick, so many different times, so many different diseases.  Now, your remaining donated kidney gone, dialysis machines trying to keep up with the junk in you needing to get out.   Infections all over, relentless...can't get one thing in place before more is destroying.

My dear brother, your sweet and precious husband...your warrior and helper...watching a fight he can't affect anymore...helpless, faithful, looking into the moments ahead when you will not be present...and how will he ever do it, what and how and all those questions we hate...that will be when they will be...their daughter, her to release her mom she has watched in such a hard life for so long...bring comfort to her....

God, I know you are so very near...can feel your holy spirit in this midst.  I can sense the holiness of this transition. this birthing...this wrestling off of old for new.  please be near this dear sister of mine.  hold and help her...bring your light into this and comfort and meet her.  Help her wrestle out of this old and go to this place I long to see.  To be with you, to live in this land of no pain, no sorrow, no tears...near you.  seeing the fullness of what my heart longs so to see and know.  This world gets sore and long....

I hope in you, my Father.  This part is hard.  All other things going on all around seem to have the volume turned off or muffled as we walk in this most sacred land.  Hold us all, help us all.  

This is the picture I found of Laurie, such a sweet one--so full of her true joy--the joy that kept my brother laughing and so in love with her...thank you Father for all their years--even the hard ones-as they love one another well...with a deep love that has been witnessed by all who have cared for her and both of them all these past years.  What an example of laying your life down for one another.  Such tender love, truly a blessing.  

It is late.  I haven't written late when I can't sleep for some time.  I am so tired, yet sensing the most sacred things happening...what a journey.