Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Walking near the borderlands





So, it is another time in my life to be so near the border of heaven, handing off my sister in law alongside her husband and daughter and our family, to the beginning of the next land.
Sacred ground. Walking around in the ICU and watching the faces of all the families....seeing the flurry of activity and yet....seeing the unseen...soft shapes of angels all around. Can hear the footsteps....

Such a tender and real time again.  I feel in my heart I live with a consciousness of heaven so very close all the time.  It is like the voices and noises of this heaven is so very near, and at times like now, so so near.

I watch this place of wrestling and restlessness in you Laurie--and feel you are seeing and knowing this transitional place and see your eyes not seeing just here any more.  Your body is failing right before our eyes. It is worn.  It is done with this fight.  10 years ago when I was starting this blog, I was watching my mom begin this transition.  Watching her begin to lay down her failing body and life here.  Now we watch you.
Our voices no longer seem to have any sound that reaches you...

I remember seeing my sweet Sarah's body after she had already laid it down was such a deep soul teaching to me, it was empty, hollow...no longer needed.  Like a discarded glove....crumpled, left.  Knowing in my soul there was more and you had gone on to that.  

Now I am watching again, a ringside seat...watching you breathe difficult and painful breaths.  Watching you struggle so at something I am sitting her and doing without even thinking.  Breathe in, breathe out.  over and over...no thought. Yet, now your breaths are numbered, they are becoming less...you are beginning to run out.  Run out of heartbeats, all the things keeping your broken body going. 

What a journey you have had all these years...so sick, so many different times, so many different diseases.  Now, your remaining donated kidney gone, dialysis machines trying to keep up with the junk in you needing to get out.   Infections all over, relentless...can't get one thing in place before more is destroying.

My dear brother, your sweet and precious husband...your warrior and helper...watching a fight he can't affect anymore...helpless, faithful, looking into the moments ahead when you will not be present...and how will he ever do it, what and how and all those questions we hate...that will be when they will be...their daughter, Bethany....help her to release her mom she has watched in such a hard life for so long...bring comfort to her...help her....

God, I know you are so very near...can feel your holy spirit in this midst.  I can sense the holiness of this transition. this birthing...this wrestling off of old for new.  please be near this dear sister of mine.  hold and help her...bring your light into this and comfort and meet her.  Help her wrestle out of this old and go to this place I long to see.  To be with you, to live in this land of no pain, no sorrow, no tears...near you.  seeing the fullness of what my heart longs so to see and know.  This world gets sore and long....

I hope in you, my Father.  This part is hard.  All other things going on all around seem to have the volume turned off or muffled as we walk in this most sacred land.  Hold us all, help us all.  

This is the picture I found of Laurie, such a sweet one--so full of her true joy--the joy that kept my brother laughing and so in love with her...thank you Father for all their years--even the hard ones-as they love one another well...with a deep love that has been witnessed by all who have cared for her and both of them all these past years.  What an example of laying your life down for one another.  Such tender love, truly a blessing.  

It is late.  I haven't written late when I can't sleep for some time.  I am so tired, yet sensing the most sacred things happening...what a journey.


1 comment:

Karen Gerstenberger said...

Such beautiful, naturally heart-felt prayers. I join in them with you, dear Chris, with love and tenderness for you and all whom you love. xoxoxo