Sunday, September 11, 2016

2016~9 years almost

September 2016

the month of my loss is here again.  I find myself up early-not sleeping well.  I don't have these days often like I did 9 years ago.  I forgot how to sleep during the days after you died.

My mind is handicapped again and I am looking and searching for the things to help me navigate these days again.  

I have tried to prepare myself again to walk carefully through these days that bring too many memories that are to difficult to handle again.  

I just want to get on a plane and then a train and go--go to this place of pure beauty that you lost your dear young life.  To smell the air, feel the breeze, see the waves that mounted and destroyed try to understand how...

I am so far very far.  There is no place to go that helps me right now, I find myself getting so restless.  So much fragmented.  No words.  Many remember and come nearer and seem to sense this place and want to help.  I am so sorry...I don't know what to say and how to help you when I can't help myself.

I miss you dear, dear Sarah.  I can't even begin to tell you how much.  You were just my joy...heaven seems too far for me today to hope for.  I know it is to come...but seems so far...yet I will continue to hope.

I was laying in bed thinking this month I should wear a handicapped sign somehow--something that would warn others that I am more fragile, I can't trust my mind with things I say or do.  I don't even want to think too much and surely the things I do and think have this coloring of this loss that is too big again...swirling in my heart and mind.

I want to do better, yet again it crashes over me--and seems to want to destroy me.  I hang my mind.  Avoid the thoughts and memories that can take me right out.  Seeing again...the horrors of it all.  I can't live here, so try again to push them away, yet they slip a blown head gasket...dripping all over me and my eyesight..then down over my heart...and leave this oily stain that only lots of tears take away.  Tears that seem to have again built up and need release in the worst way...tears that heal yet hurt.

my sweet girl...this blog holds so many many much.  I am thankful it is still here when the night hours betray me and I come in the dark again to find this page...a place to leave some of what is drowning me.

tragedy...i see it on faces and know it.  Rick and I went to see the movie Sully a few days ago--I cried through most of it.  they lived.  you did not.  my memories revisited bring no new ending...just sorrow.  I am careful.  I don't know how many pictures this year I can post of you.  I don't know what helps this time or what will lead me to that place I get lost.  I hate that place of lostness.  Unsafe.  

Centered...Focused...Jesus...heaven...hope....held.  Recalculate...recalculate...

loved.  You were deeply loved and cherished.  I wonder if my mind will bear me ever trying to write this story.  It is so tragically beautiful with so many treasures that i hold so close to my many wonderful parts...just wish you were actually still alive to share and laugh with.  

Sarah dear girl...Just a touch through the veil this morning to you.  I am actually right in the spot we held over and over again for the last time as I write this--the night we said goodbye....I think you just are letting me know that somehow...I do remember how we held and held..and said goodbye.  over and somehow we deeply knew.  sweet one, sweet girl.  beautiful woman...well loved.  how i love you.  how i miss you.  

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