Thursday, February 14, 2008

deep grief day

how blessed i am in the valley of deep grief and sorrow to have friends who have given me baskets of presents to open on days like this.

I have cards to remind me of the hope of god and their love for me. I have candles to light, pictures. Rocks and memories of times i watched this little girl or mine sift and play in the sand and throw water for the dog.

times that ache deep in my heart today, the days of long gone...the days of long gone. i find myself today in a place that has grown cold and empty. no one is there but me, i see she is gone, gone to a place that is far from here, to a place so full of life, and with hope to see her again. i can't stay in this place of emptiness, of no life. i find myself sad beyond the tears that have fallen all day this day and in the last few days. i need to walk back to the light of my life. it is so hard on days like this one. the wails that come from the deepest part of me run out of breath before i am done with the wail. it is a long and deep wail, unending, could take my last breath. how does a mother leave this place. how God? where do i go now, where can my arms hold another like her, what do i do with my arms now. what do i do with the kisses that were meant for her and her children. they aren't meant for anyone else. i have other kisses for them. what do i do with the songs in my heart to sing and the sweet stories to tell that only she laughs at. what is a mother to do? how can i leave this place of emptiness and cold. i know that to stay too much longer will break my heart, that is held on days by only the Father's hands and those hands who love me. i have dropped my hands to my side, i have hung my head in this place of grief. somedays the words in me would frighten even the pages of my journal if i wrote them down. i do not want to weep though Lord as one without hope, please remind me quickly of your presence. please show me your tender love and care. please fill my heart with the inner knowledge of her presence in your kingdom. let me hope in you.
the silence is so quiet here, so empty, no wind to blow through, just silence. aching, aching, heart aching that no medicine in the world can fix. maybe a glass of merlot will help ease the pain, but you coming and touching will heal it and make the ache less the best. i long for your touch, i long to hope in heaven like i talk about on the best of days. i long to bring a basket of that hope with me when i visit this place, to eat and feast from....but when i get here, i find myself naked, nothing in my hands, except my tears. how deep and hollow is this place, but no echo comes back even from my wails...just silence.
oh dear Sarah. you are so missed, so missed. so many miss you. i miss you too. taken in the best of your days...spoken by you. did you have any clue. to write even these words cause me such pain, so think of the day of joy turning so quickly to your death, to never say goodbye, to silently drift into the hands of our dear God. oh my....words that swirl in my mind but even can't make it to this page...words still in my mind and needing to be released to this place of emptiness, of things i will never know or have answers to.

My God, please come, please take my hand...please come...please bring hope to my heart today-my mother's aching heart...please help me God, please help me. Please help others to know that their words will not ever fill that place of deep questions and pain, but their faithfulness and steadfastness means more than they will ever know. i am grateful, i am blessed. even when it is hard, harder than i can even find the words to say.

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