End of the year already

I am amazed it is the end of the year. The time is flying by. Last night it was 2 years since my mom died. I was in a surreal place yesterday, but today it was heavy on my heart. I just cried and cried when I left work early today. Just amazed at how heavy grief can be on your heart and in you at times. I have faith to see her again, it just is hard to not see her now.

Life is so like it will never end most days--we just all go about it like it is going to go on forever...at least I do---and then....something happens to grab your full attention. I am tired, work has been very tense. The holidays are always hard on people---with deaths, sickness, joblessness, troubles, etc. It is so important to look for the miracle of Christmas in the midst of it--the thankfulness for the life we have...I have. I have not written for a long time---2 months, but I think about writing---funny. Seems to be hard to put words on paper--or even a blog.

I am getting ready for a new year-the gift of a new year---the honor to live through another new year's eve. I always wonder if I will be here to celebrate another one--so thanks be to God for this gift of living. I hope to live well this new year---and more and more purposely, intentionally, slowly....listening, walking-not running---taking time to reflect, enjoy, read some more...be simple...real. A peacegiver...forgiver...forgetter, kind. listen well. bring joy into the moment. Stop running so much...home more...ahhhh.....hope to be able to hold the pressures of the moments and the craziness away.
If you are reading this---hope so for you too.

The Lord has the plans

I saw this house on the way to our Leadership Retreat this month. I really felt that God was showing us the current appearance of our church. I had excitement to know that God has the plans to fix this church up-to add the floors, the new roof, the windows and make it a place of habitation and health. He is ready to move forward and wants us to join Him in this work. I shared this with the leadership team. God is stirring in each of us the plans He has for us as a body. He is the Master Carpenter. He holds the plans. He is ready to begin. 

September flying by

Just feel like a red color today. I am amazed at the days flying by...where did the summer go? It is very chilly out tonight. The clouds are looking more and more like winter will come early. I thought it would snow the other day.
I have refused to turn the heat on yet-just doesn't seem right to turn it on before October, doesn't it? I have a load of oak coming this Saturday so will start burning a fire inside this week, I am sure.
Got to go to NYC on Sept 10-13. Was at Ground Zero on the 10th and 11th. I don't know still if I have found words to describe my feelings being there. Will post a picture once I get them developed. The mood was so odd, so many people, so much to absorb. Still not enough right or good words to tell my heart on this.
Loved the city--can't believe I have never been there before now-have been so many places. Hope to go back. Would love to explore so many places there.
Well, not alot of words tonight. Just started to think, it has been too long since I wrote...so here are a few words. night!

Summer 06

The best of summer---sunsets and Harry!! 

Summer projects

Today is truly day one of a 2 week vacation and I dug into cleaning my garage-which hasn't been touched in 2 years since I moved in here. I am truly on a time apart for this vacation, not the normal trip somewhere, but staying right here and digging into my own vacation spot. I am truly seeking God for alot of clarity right now for the next season in my life and the garage seemed to be pretty reflective of my life---it is all there, not sure what is there or which box all the things I have treasured and gathered are in---what is left after 54 years of moving and storing and losing things and gathering things.

Wow, what a day it has been. First of all, I still have many of the things my dear Sarah has gathered and stored from her childhood--so that was a trip down memory lane for me. Found her strawberry shortcake cup, her cocoa mug, ice cream cone cup along with all the needle point pictures I made, as well as her treasures she made me...and all her papers from school, gradecards-trophies, t-shirts, dressup clothes, videos of volleyball games, boyfriends, proms, and on and on...what a trip down memory lane....

Then there is all my stuff---from my own childhood--autograph books, year books, china, coffee cup collections, country stuff, pictures upon pictures--trips to France and Cape cod--gratitude journals, stuff from mom and gram, gifts, candles, gardening stuff...marriage stuff...videos from family reunions and all...more cassette tapes than I will ever go through---CDs, and on and on....

So, here I am in Joe's garage--he is gone, I am sweeping and cleaning a garage that probably would have been ours if we would have stayed together...so odd to me....and still have our daughter's stuff here...just touched me...deeply.

I didn't get more clarity about the season ahead, but have a feeling we need to look back and touch the memories before we can push off from shore. Today, I lingered and touched many places--and it was sweet. I have healed, I feel whole. I am grateful...I am not sad any more.

Jesus, I know you have all the days ahead in your hands. I am grateful to know that. I am peaceful and content in the life behind. I do long to fully live the rest of my life-where and how you would have me to do. I wait on you. Thank you Father, for your gift of my many memories---so many that never ever did resolve, but I know you hold those too...and will purpose them out someday--even if it isn't till heaven.

June is fully here-flowers everywhere!

What a glorious weekend away, love going to Columbus and connecting with my friends and my old church. Just am thankful for the richness of relationships in my life. I am fuller from the ones around me. I have had so much sown into my life from others. Sitting under Rich's teaching again was great.

After church a bunch of us went to Connie's house and had a great bonfire last night--first it rained, then the clouds went away and the greatest moon and stars shown overhead as we hung close around the blazing fire, playing the question game and singing old folk songs to Bill's great guitar playing. It is scary how few words we remembered, but the refrains were full of all our voices. Just made me laugh...

I am just weeks away from turning 54. I just got used to 53...the days surely fly by. I want to enjoy these last days of 53, before I have to learn 54. I sure don't feel 54...nor 53. I am young at heart, feeling good.

I am loving the new season with the warm days and sunny skies. I love the sun shining hot on my face. Wish I didn't have to work so much. I think I need to figure out how to work less, but keep my income. That is the question most of us would like to find the answer to. I think one of the questions last night was, "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" I think I would do alot of things if I could get my energy going---so guess it is time to figure out what that would be. I went to 2 really cool greenhouses this weekend---that would be fun! I also love to do compelled--and Shari and I keep talking about what we could do with it! Ugh...just need to press in and figure it out. My trouble is I like time off and a new venture would require a huge time commitment. Then there is pastoring...hum. I just want to have my life count for your kingdom Lord. Even if it is simple. Just to reflect the wonder and glory of your Son, Jesus. So, even if I do dream alot of some stuff I love to do---whatever it is you have me to do, let me do it with all my heart, unto you!

Memories

Memories of Joe.
It was 7 years ago that Joe died---he was my first husband and the father of my only daughter Sarah. Tomorrow morning, the family and friends will gather at Joe's grave to remember him, as a headstone is going to finally mark his resting place.
It has been an odd time of remembering my first love---life is so odd--we have no idea things will turn out the way they do when we are in the thick of life. I met Joe when we were just 16 and 17. He was the most handsome guy in the school--senior class president. He wore matching oxford shirts and socks---just so handsome. We dated for 4 years before we married in 73 and then didn't have Sarah till 78. Who would have thought that we would not stay together---certainly not me, and I don't think he thought so either. For whatever reasons, and I am sure there were many on all sides---we divorced in 88. His life was cut way too short in 99 and at 48 years of age, he died on May 18th. Sarah has surely missed her dad, as have the many people who loved him. Tomorrow will be a day of quiet remembering all of who he was and how he touched so many lives. The picture of Harry on the beach he and I lived on as a family, just reminds me of the sunset that comes on each of our lives---and for some of us---way to early, when we aren't quite ready to have it done.
I think this blog is a place I have shed alot of words about goodbyes...and this season of reflecting. Maybe the new days will bring words of life and hope and joy. I think sometimes, the valley of grief has lasted long enough. Bless the ones who will be touched deeply again tomorrow for Joe. I know, I will be one of them.

Mother's day 06

Happy Mother's day---here I am in the red with my mom and my daughter...this is from 6 years ago at my graduation party from bible school...a wonderful memory.
I am so thankful for good memories.
Today I am grateful again for a wonderful daughter-who is my best friend!
I am also grateful on a day that celebrates women--for the many wonderful women in my life. My friends, my sisters...my aunt, coworkers, just am blessed with wonderful friendships with women! I love to teach women too about how much Jesus loves them. It is so evident in the stories about women!
So, today-if you have a mom---go and give her a hug. If she is already gone--sip a cup of coffee and spend some time with your thoughts and memories...and then also go and find someone who needs a hug (You are the one who needs it too, but maybe this will bless someone else too! I know hugs always bring me a joy!) Bless all of you women out there today. Take time to connect and give your wisdom out. Take time to enjoy the spring and flowers. Read a book that will bring you new ideas and help you be glad you are alive again. I love the idea of the gratitude journal from Simple Abundance---only don't repeat the 5 things each day you are grateful for---find 5 new things each day---after about 100 days, it is hard to keep finding them, but it will change your life! Bless you all. 

Easter morning

Ahhh, it is the day of Resurrection. I am always amazed that it is a day of such hope to me. I am thankful to have this hope---hope to see Jesus and to know the final answer. Hope to see my family that has gone on before me in death. Hope to see the truth. Hope to see " no more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears." Hope to see things restored. I am glad to have this Hope. A hope that requires me to believe in what I cannot see.

This year, I have seen the trees getting ready to bud into leaves, and as I was telling my daughter yesterday, they all have a red glow to them. It seems they look like they are dripped in blood. A sign of the blood of Christ, shed for our sins-to cleanse us and make us Holy. I have more understanding of even if we do not speak his name, the stones-and for this matter-the trees will call out his name. Today, I see new life all around me in fresh eyes. I want to savor this spring. To smell it, to see it. To notice the things that will so quickly go by. The flowers that last such a short time. To watch the leaves come forth. The brighter color of green as they are new and fresh.

God, help us to notice this gift from you to us of spring. Help us to get what it means to us too. That we can be made new by knowing you. To have a hope that is bigger then what this world on its own offers. I celebrate the new life of your Son's resurrection today!!!! I am so grateful. Thank you for doing this for me-help me to live it so others can see and know this hope too.

April flowers

I am grateful today for Susan and her life. This is my friend who had the ruptured aneurysm last October and spent 2 months in the hospital. She called last night as a followup from the recent prognosis of knowing she has another area in her brain that is developing another aneurysm near the one from before. She was told she would need brain surgery to fix this area-and that it would take her back to where she was at the beginning-loosing all she has gained in therapy. It was a very long road last fall with many times we all were not sure she would live. She and her husband found out yesterday that a surgeon at Emory in Atlanta where they live can do the surgery microscopically up through her groin. What an amazing thing! Praise the Living God! What a miracle to see what can be done today.
On the opposite side, my dear nephew was sentenced to 2 years in prison yesterday-with credit for over a year of jail time, so he will probably serve 7 months. He has a serious drug problem.

As I walk through each of these 2 things yesterday, I know that Romans 8:28 is good for both of them. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I know that both of these dear people in my life are loved and cared for by the LIVING GOD. I know that as I went to sleep last night, He looked over both of them and I can rest.
I am grateful. I am glad. I pray that your kingdom will come in both of their lives and they may know your great love and power to heal and set their feet to the callings and purposes of their lives.

It is spring-saw leaves yesterday on the way to bible study-the trees look odd with them in a way...sometimes you forget how they look dressed up! Made me laugh. I want to notice things this spring--not just be so focused I miss the unfolding of it.

Creeping into April

It is 2 days before a new month. I am excited to see spring this year. I am always excited to see spring-the buds, the flowers, the leaves, the birds, the warmth that accompanies it all. One of these days, I won't be around for spring-at least here, so each time it comes around now-I appreciate it more.
Today at work, and again, I work at a hospice home care team---we had a remembrance service for our losses---personally and professionally. It was just so powerful. We did a weaving on 2 pieces of ribbon we individually picked out. We had a long piece and a shorter piece. We got to write whatever we wanted on both and then all 30 of us went up one at a time and first put down all the long pieces and then went back and did the shorter ones. Hope that makes sense. There were wonderful colors of ribbons--and all had sacred words written by each person. The one woman who is an art therapist will eventually frame this for our team. Then we went outside and did a balloon launch while words were read. I thought of my mom--and picked a beautiful blue balloon for her. As I let go--I watched the balloon dip and then soar. I watched it with tears streaming down my face till I could see it no more. It has been a year and 3 months since mom departed here. I missed her today as fiercely as I have in days past. But seeing that balloon spin off to a far place brought a sense of adventure---she is probably having a blast~and I will release her at a new level today. Thanks mom, for all you left with me---so many wonderful memories and all. I am grateful today.

It is truly spring---there are many kids heading to the beach tonight to have the first party of the year. The bonfires start tonight! Music, play, it all begins again. I will savor it again this year and be so grateful to have the new season.

Isn't he the most handsome guy!!  

Harry and I summer of 2005 

green pushing up through the ground

I am excited, I see spring pushing its way back into the world. The birds seem to be flying back in in packs, saw my first robin this week, the gulls are singing every morning--yippee!! I am ready. I am smelling it in the air. I can't wait to hang out in the hammock and sink my toes into the warm sand again. I know that Harry-my lab- is more than ready for some water time.
I know that winter has served its purpose this year in my life. I have slowed down and practiced some hibernation. I think I am trying to pay more attention to what the season is doing and mirror it in my soul. I have needed rest and have rested. I want to now go into spring but carry the season of rest into it--and savor it like a grand glass of merlot.

I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. I am still searching for the fullness that brings me such joy...but wonder if that could truly happen. How come others have this ah ha moment and say--this is all I ever wanted to do and am content. I find myself getting restless when I get unchallenged by something new. The spring will bring some of that to me too-like what new things to explore and discover---I hate to be bored and not discovering new things. I want to have a good vacation this year, but more than that--to have a fullness in my life each day. I hope to discover some new things right within the 25 miles around me.

Well, it is late, need to sleep. Had a good art class tonight. Had a good class today at work on cumulative grief. Just talked about making sure we don't keep adding to the things that lay in our heart hurting. I pray Father tonight that my heart would be light and that if I have carried any things lingering that is time to lay down, that you will reveal it to me and help me to release it to you to go into the new day with a clean heart and a free heart. Thank you Father that you make all things new-just again---like spring!

March came in like a lion

Just am plain tired of the snow and cold. Really hasn't been a bad winter at all-just am ready to be outside more and enjoying the warm. Wonder if we will all move to a warmer place someday? Everyone is on a cruise in the caribbean right now but me and my one brother and his wife who are in Florida---what was I thinking--staying here...hummmm....will plan better in the future.
It is grey and cold, sleeting and snowing. I am on my way out again to art class--even with it being that way, it will be good to create. I think that with the winter so still here, art is a good way to be creating a different place to be for a few hours.
Nothing real serious on my mind---want to live this day well. Tired of snow. Need sun. ugh. Guess the space I am in is itching for a new season. Wonder if it reflects my inner heart? Change is on the horizon I feel. I wait on you Father for you author the seasons in life as well as my heart.

February-the groundhog saw his shadow

It is later evening on Saturday the 11th and the house is warmed by a fire. Just back from a freezing walk near the lake-which is not frozen and the wind is blowing. Harry-my lab was running in the field to get to the lake so had to go after him! Was good to get out there in the wild of the night-wind wild, clouds racing by, full moon between the clouds. I don't mind the snow, but still look forward to spring. The older I get, the more I am thankful for each spring--always wondering when I won't see another one. That sounds morbid, but when you work in hopsice, you realize each day is a gift. We have a 38 year old mom with cancer right now with 2 kids and a husband she is working to say goodbye to. That stops me in my tracks and has me take a serious look at my life. Do I really love what I do and how I spend my day? Have I connected with the ones that mean so much to me? Have I made sure my side of the street is clean and not holding onto grudges or unforgiveness? I still am sorry for broken relationships in my life and for no reconciliation in some. I long for heaven to see how God will allow them to have worked out? I don't know how He will do that, but I know the ones I haven't worked things out with on this side of heaven will see us looking at each other when we get there and I wonder if we will see the fullness of what was impossible here.
I am thankful for my life. I love the goodness of my life. I love my daughter so much. I have had an opportunity presented to do something that would take me from here and back to a place I loved. It has been an incredibly hard transition for the last 3 years to readjust to being back home-and somehow, this last year, I feel I am home-and it somehow has made more sense. I don't want to go back-I want to be near my family and daughter and her husband. I want to be alongside the church I belong to-and to be committed to seeing the kingdom come here. I am feeling older now, I want to be intentional about each day-not filling it so much with activity-not that activity is bad, but to make sure it is balanced with quietness, reflection, quietness, rest and just a good night sleep too! That is funny, but I do love a good night sleep!!
I am thankful for all the opportunities in my life to connect to people I love, and look forward to this year being full of more of that.

Well into winter

It is mid January already. Time just seems to go too fast for me most days. I want to savor the day and it is already over. Was sitting in the hottub tonight watching the full moon, clouds moving across the sky-it was just awesome out! I could n't believe it is such a nice night for a January night. Tomorrow begins another week and it will be the 3 week of the new year already.
I did get all my goals and all completed for the new year so have a map to navigate. I am thankful for the compass of true north. I want to live intentionally this year. Tomorrow starts day one of a heart healthy lifestyle-going to give South Beach a good try. Feel ready to do this, so praying for God's help to do it. Just want to have more energy along with a clearer mind. I need to feel the discipline to carry me day by day.
So much going on in my work world-want to keep the hours that it draws on my reserve for when I am there, not the hours that are outside of work. I also have signed up for a watercolor class that will start soon, that is something I will enjoy. Bible study is going well with alot of growth there. Wish I had more hours to study the Word. I guess that it just needs to be a priority-and will try to make it more of the hours I have free. not much to say tonight. Just to connect.