Wednesday, April 30, 2008

just goes on and on and on....


head in my hands...tears fall
ache in my heart
emptyness in my stomach that is struggling to digest it all
my chest that takes small breaths...unable to take in the air of grief
a new land, one I have no map for
there is no title for a mother who has lost her child like for a person who has lost their spouse
how do you say....when they ask, "do you have any children?" sometimes it is easier to just say, "Yes, I have a daughter", and they say, that is nice. if you tell them, you had a daughter--then they look at you with that look of pain...and then you have to try to tell the story. if you tell the story, it becomes more and more painful to watch the sadness in their eyes of pain...and it goes over and over again...a new land...one I have no map for. such a difference between the have and had. we all lose...we all learn to walk this land of loss.
i am learning to walk this land, to hold the hand of the ONE who has carried me and all of us to this place of sorrow and will carry us through and onward. we do trust-with the blindness of faith, that we will press on. grateful for the love and care of the ones around that cheer us on. so many memories recently, so many things to remember her and trigger memories. new sorrow, new roads to learn. always having to trust each new one and turn over to Him who holds our hearts.
missing you, missing you, missing you.
quiet
silent
deep
endless
hard
unfair
unending
wordless
dark
looking for the light-the only light that brings hope...and reaching out to others and to You to keep on. looking forward to heaven, to eternal life. listening to angel wings, seeing and hearing with different ears for glimpses of that hope-all day long--all night long....living in a new land with no map. You are God of heaven, and here I am on earth...and I let my words be true---Jesus, I am so in love with you. And I'll stand in awe of You....and I'll let my words be true...Jesus, I am so in love with you.
Kiss my girl today.

2 comments:

Bethany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bethany said...

it does go 'on and on' doesn't it? would feel awful if it didn't, and feel awful if it did...