Saturday, June 28, 2008

56 and a whole new season of God's favor and goodness

Joyful, that is what we were right then-2 joined to one for this life.
new day, a year older...a new season. A wife-a mom to 4 new children and a grandma to 10 grandchildren...and a daughter who lives in heaven now and a wonderful son in law...wonderful new parents and a new brother and sister in law I haven't met yet.
I sometimes feel like I don't live in Kansas anylonger...and I truly don't. So many things the same and so many things never to be again.
I find myself with open arms to embrace this new land, this new season...smiling, yet tears streaming down my face. A determination not to miss one thing the Father gives to me, to us.
I am grateful for 56 years of life and all the richness of the days-the wonderful things given to me by my heavenly Father. Such a kind giver of gifts.
I do miss you today Sarah. You always made my day so wonderful. I have the last 2 years of you singing to me still on my phone and later today, I will listen to you sing to me...miss you singing today---maybe you are singing from heaven~wonder how that works....know you are in my heart today--for all times.

Friday, June 27, 2008

watching life go on

9 months today. i find myself watching life happen all around me. i see other mom's with their daughters, eating fast food, shopping at the grocery store, fixing their hair--simple, everyday stuff---just moving along...not aware that these are the simple things you tenderly remember when there is no more.
i remember...somehow i knew i needed to grasp each memory of us-and you as we went along---i seemed to savor them, caress them, remember them---and can still close my eyes and remember them. i can feel your hair in my hands, i remember the first time i french braided your hair-it took me forever, and you were getting so impatient--but boy it looked so beautiful! i loved doing your hair, putting it in braids, in ponytails, in pigtails--ribbons, hats--whatever. and even as a grown up girl--you still loved hats--and you wore them everywhere. Chris and I were going through your hats the other day and we found some of the most outlandish hats---What a hoot you were!! The wilder and crazier--the better---especially if you thought Chris would hate it!! And you would laugh as we bought it!! i remember when you and marty and kimmy and gram and i went to put-in-bay and tried all those hats on in that hat shop!! we laughed and cried!
well, i can laugh...but then the tears do come...the deep sorrow in my little mother's heart. i so miss you my dear girl. i miss that we don't make more memories...that i have to look into my little heart and just hold tight to the ones we got to make...there will be no more. you are my dear girl. thanks Sarah...thanks for the memories..for all the fun times...for all the great times...the laughter..the tears...the quietness, the wild and crazy times...
love you.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

it is here---the day I become a madame...a mrs.

wow, it is just 3 hours from now, i will join in the most mysterious way with this dear husband. i know it is just a wonder in the kingdom....a mystery of God. the joining of man and woman-a reflection of the glorious kingdom of God. me---a bride...Rick, the groom.
could hardly sleep last night, such a great party after the rehearsal. so many people helping us...celebrating with us...just am awed and blessed...and so excited...soon....very soon....
thank you God.

Friday, June 20, 2008

I know you will be there.....

My dear bella Sarah....I can see you standing near I I commmit my life to this man. I know you have been part of this whole journey for me. I am undone right now, just under 12 hours till I commit my life to Rick.
You have touched me so over the years Sarah. I have been blessed with your friendship and love. I am so thankful for so many people here tonight....Rick's family, Christopher and friends, my friends, people from the church. I have had enough merlot right now to soften my soften the edges of my sorrow...but to also remember the tears of my missing sweet, sweet Sarah C. My sweet girl...who would be here---full of life, full of joy. I just want you to know how many people have helped--and been there for us--for me...through all of this...just to help bring the greatest joy and celebration to our wedding day. I am so full of joy....can't wait to become Mrs. Provard...just am so excited. I have the best man to be my husband. He is the dearest and kindest man I know....God--be over our day--from beginning to end. Thank you for the help of everyone--from my dear Aunt Barb, my friends, his family, his friends...all of them...we are rich! We are blessed...we are so thankful....yes Lord...Yes Lord...soooooo glad. I am heading to bed. It is almost 11 and only 11 hours to God. This is cool.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

where are you going, my little one, little one

my little one, little one....a song sung to you all the years of your short life.
I sing it again today--along with the other songs I have sung to you.
i miss you Sarah...i miss you so much on this day, one week before my wedding. i wish you could do this with me. it is hard, sweet one--to move forward and make new memories without you in them. it seems so right yet so wrong to move on...
all of us miss you so, can't wait to see you again. what do people do without the hope of heaven? I am also marrying Jesse today to dan...and you and chris would be there...again..missing you...these are your friends. so many places i would see you...and see your smile and happiness that i was doing what God has called me to do...yet, the tears come again---missing your voice and your comments and your thoughts on all of it.
again...i am grateful, for the days, minutes and years i did get to be your grateful. just the best. God please help us all, help me to do this life without my girl...

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

life is changing

Life is changing right before my eyes. I am making room in a small space for a new person to walk this journey of life with. I am amazed to be doing this. I have been single so long-I forget how to share space, room...not that I don't want to-just it will have to be with intention. I can do it when I am connecting during the day--in normal life when others are around, but now---this will be the norm--He will be here, on a daily basis and nightly basis. Wow, that is a thought-more of a constant. So that means, when I am used to being quiet or alone, I may have to speak, to share...I think I will really enjoy doing this, so that is really good. I remember when I became single, had to learn to be more independent, more able to exist solo. I even began to embrace that word-solo. I liked it...had a feeling of being myself. I will work to not lose what I have gained in these past years of living well, being authentic, fully myself. That is the part I want to bring into this new oneness--a wholeness, a person who knows her inside and her value. I bring my hands full to share with Rick. I bring a sense of living that I have discovered in these past years. I loved doing it with Sarah. How well we lived, how well we savored the days and times. I know this too is what Rick brings as he has also lost greatly. We both live intentionally, courageously, and with a great sense of discovery. We have much to explore and discover. The journey together is now just over 10 days away. God be with us in these last days we are apart--and bring excitement and joy to our last minutes that we look forward to the miracle of this covenant commitment we make together and before you.

Monday, June 09, 2008

sorting, grieving, making it neat again

grief is alot like sorting clothes-straightening out your drawers--then coming back in and finding everything you thought you put away, pulled back out and hanging all over the place.
or discovering your inner room you thought was in order, all dumped out all over the place. so you begin again, picking up the first item and deciding where did that go the last time---and you can't you think...where do I want to store this, or do I really want to keep this hard memory, or has it outlived the purpose and you can actually throw it away--maybe.
then you pick up the next item--and find it is something you threw away and try to think, how in the world did it get back in here--or is it just close to what you thought you threw away. and how did everything get so messy again--and how did every drawer get overloaded again.
grief is like that--somedays, you think it is all in order...neat, orderly---each drawer makes sense. it is managable, tidy. and all of a get slammed with one too many memories---like a rogue memory---and the explosion happens, the drawers and shelves all leap out and bend over and throw all the contents all over one another. you are lost again--hoping the life jacket of eternal hope holds while you flounder for a bit....tears blur your vision totally---and no thought is anything but wreckless and wild. no sentences make any sense. all rocks around you are too slippery to hold on, and you drift in the midst of it all....deep inside, you know it will will again have to begin the simple, yet painful process of picking up the pieces and smoothing them out one by one---folding them, gently lifting them...and placing them again in a drawer--the ones that are to stay. you begin to intentionally hold them up to your inner frame-to see if you have yet outgrown the need to keep each one--trying to find the correct amount of items and memories to take with you--to journey more light these days. the time to pick up and smooth out takes so much time and energy--so you begin to see your choice in this action--each time the contents are spilled.
wish we lived in a land that didn't have so many earthquakes, rogue waves. but we do, for now---and God help us when they hit...come and help me fold the fragile and precious pieces of my heart--and place them tenderly in place for today.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

odd but it works for me

I know it is an odd picture--an elephant in utero---I so remember when you were inside of me Sarah--I remember the very private relationship we had as you grew and I could feel you and we began communicating with one another--and most of the time it was so intimate and no one else even knew. You and I were so close--from the very beginning. I never thought I would have a baby--so was so thrilled and also afraid because I had such trouble carrying you. I never thought I would ever even hold you in my arms. and were born. We had so many years together--so much holding and hugging and always touching, holding hands--even in these last years--while we would drive together---we would hold hands. Just always touching.

I still feel you--and know your presence in such an intimate way. You seem to be present still for me in the most intimate way.

Again tonight---you were there. We were all at the church and putting together the table stuff for the wedding and wrapping the silverware...and all of a sudden--Maggie played the song---"be" by Neil Diamond...and the others who were in front of the table moved out of the way and there before me was the most beautiful table setting with a beautiful seagull in between 2 tall candles that were to represent Rick and I. The seagull was you---and I cried...and cried...and so did Marty and others---we were all stopped for a minute or two---and your sweet spirit was present---tender, kind, touching...gentle...present...close. I felt you say---I am still here with you...I love you mom.

I love you Sarah. I miss you so--I wanted more, but didn't get more. I can't wait to see you again. I have to tell you dear girl...I am ok. I am blessed more than I deserve or know what to do with it---so much love poured out on me...the shower last Sunday blew me away--then the continued love and support through all this.

You are present. You are where we will be coming soon---not sure who is next. That always takes me out too---who is next to leave the rest of us? Death is so hard---so final, so exacting. But I try so hard to look to what follows the other side of my last breath here---and that is the first there. I am excited to come there. I also want to stay here now and experience this wonderful love and adventure. I know you see it somehow.

Just know we all love you, we miss you. I do feel you close--like somehow like when you were in utero---

I know this is sick--sorry to those who won't get this next part....but when I had my hysterectomy...because I had worked in the OR at that hospital...they brought me my uterus so I could see it. When I looked at it---they had cut it in half, so I could see the inside where you had lived. I was overcome with extreme wonder and astonishment at this small place had held the seed of you---that had been inpregnated by your dad's seed to mine..and you were the beginning of the biggest miracle in my life...and I was awed that God gave you to me and allowed my body to carry allow me to be the bearer of you. I took that great honor and carried you for those 9 months...and then got the privilege to be your mom for almost 29 years. Wow, what a privilege.

So tonight---I again am amazed that I had this close moment with you again today. Maggie didn't know about the song Be, nor even what the seagull means to me, so there you were...just my girl....present. love you