Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Being seen

I have posted a new song-"Raindrops keep falling on my head" on my blog today. It was sent to me by my dear Tiffany, Christopher's new and beautiful wife. She blessed me with tender words telling me she sees me and that means so much when you often feel like you are not seen in the midst of relearning to live.

I am blessed to listen to a song that I heard BJ sing in person back in Las Vegas with Sarah's dad, even before she was born---and never really heard the words till I read them today and listened with my full ears.

Life feels like that often, like we don't even really hear the depth of songs, or words or music till it comes at us from a very different angle. Today, this song, her words, all help me to walk a bit stronger and with less of the slump I have found on me in the last months.

Could it be that maybe I will also be "coming into a new season"? I am watching the spring flowers push hard against the earth to come up and bloom. I too am trying to do that--push against the dirt in my life to breathe and live and move in this new season. I want to have joy again. even in the midst of missing dear Sarah.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

a look back at our trip

Such a fun trip to Florida this year-saw family, friends, breathed the air and savored the sun. It is almost becoming spring here now too. Thankful for the new season. Ohio is so gray and cloudy in the winter....it gets to all of us.
The lake here is free of ice now too-wonderful to see open water again. Funny how open water is like our hearts. Sometimes we are iced over too. I have felt my heart like that and in seeing how the ice has been breaking up and melting before my eyes under the warmth of the sun makes me think of you God--how you try to warm me...my heart to flow better.
This season of deep sorrow and grief has found me so often helpless in how to walk...breathe, let alone run or do well. The longer I go on this journey, the less I know of what the new days will bring or the challenges to my heart and breath.
I find myself like gannetgirl's comment from the last post---quiet and not sure how to talk as some of the answers to my thoughts from others who haven't lost their child in a tragic way-say things that in an odd way, just amaze me that they even think what they just said might in some way be of any comfort. I have learned to just be still more often than not with someone else's grief or sorrow-I truly have NO idea what it may feel like for them and to offer up a group of words to try to fill a gap is just almost insane. We try hard, I know, even I do...to be of help to others...but more often than not...I now say---I just don't know what to say, just want to be here beside you if you are ok with that.
oh well....just random thoughts from my sore head today. Have been aching. Missing...trying to find my footing in this land I live in. Not sure of much these days. lopsided, crooked, out of link...zipper is stuck...nothing works right. going to go take a nap.