Friday, August 31, 2012

 Just am a bit overdone inside...I have walked almost 5 years of this loss of dear Sarah now...I am not any better at handling it when the grief of it all overwhelms me.

Words don't seem to form up or come into sentences to explain what is happening inside of me any better...maybe not as often do I get to this place of being just wrecked inside.

As I laid in bed this morning asking God, "what is going on in me that I can put into any kind of sense to myself and my husband and even others not knowing what is going on in my heart and soul....

I felt like God showed me how when I got into the briars last week...and couldn't get them off me...they just stuck on my pants, my shoes...my skin and irritated me...that is a good way to describe how you can't seem to get it off...and it is uncomfortable and irritating as hell!



 I want to get to the other side of my pain in me without having to have that deep and aching and agonizing cry and letting it all go....and writing and just sitting in it....
That place just is so overwhelming...so agonizing...so lost...I can see the other side, but there is no mentally jumping over this.  I can feel the full ripeness of this place and just want to not go into it.  I hate it.  I hate the loss...I hate having the sorrow of it.  I hate how tossed my mind gets in it...the craziness of it.  I just want to release it in somekind of way that doesn't cost my heart so much.....
God, I am asking for a gentle way to process this place.


 Tomorrow is September...and the memories of loss and sorrow come.  It just does...and is...still so hard...

memories...

love....

loss....

what a journey....


6 comments:

karen gerstenberger said...

Sending love-love-love to you, dear Chris. You are in my heart, held in God's light and unbreakable love, even in this storm.

Karen said...

Oh, I feel that wordless sorrow with you. The wave of grief getting ready to break, not wanting to dive into those waters, hoping for another way. I haven't found it yet either...just avoidance. But on these days, it's not possible. So sitting here, praying for you, wrapping your fragile heart in mine, asking God to comfort and hold you close.
Much love, sweet Chris. I am so very sorry that Sarah is gone, and I truly can't wait for reunion day for all of us.

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

I'm so sorry.

christine said...

Thank you for your love...I am better today--it just is what it is...
the month of September is a tender time. Thank you....

Robin said...

Dearest Chris, You may recall my writing early this year about the young pastor who was killed in a car accident - also a daughter and only child. I have just sent your blog link to her mom; I woke up thinking of both of you this morning, you because it is September and her because I had just heard from her. Sending you much love as you prepare for this journey to Italy.

Robin said...

Chris, you may recall my writing early this year about the young pastor who was killed in a car accident -- also a daughter and an only child. I have just forwarded the link to your blog to her mom. I woke up thinking about both of you this morning, you because it is September and her because I had just heard from her. Sending you much love as you prepare for the journey back to Italy.