Sunday, September 27, 2015

8 x 12 =96

96 full moons since you died.

and another super moon

beautiful, bright, wakes you up from sound sleep moon....creeps across your face and lets you know it is there.  shines on your soul and almost quietly warms you--not like the sun, just like the moon.  slowly slips away, room gets darker...and then it is gone.

sometimes I feel your presence Sarah.  slips in quietly, warms my heart, then slips away.

hard to have so many moons gone by.  hard to have momentos to remember you instead of you.

you-so full of light, laughter...made a room come alive the minute you walked in.  you never took no for an answer there--always full, always present.

sometimes i laugh right out loud when i remember times that bring tears to my eyes.

the thing i hate about today--you being gone--in such a quick and tragic way-is that i still ponder how did you process it happening, what were your thoughts...i had the privilege, as did others...to listen to you--read your thoughts...know you and this is one time we are all left not knowing...not knowing your heart at the last moments of your precious life.

not a good and safe place for me to stay, the edge of this place is sharp...it draws me in....more on this day...my muscles aren't as strong to pull away...i feel drawn to come nearer again...to step closer, to listen...and yet it is as quiet as ever....no words, none.

i am a mom still, sometimes i have written that that is really over...what an ass...i am a mom...it is in me.  i may be your "past tense mom" in a way that we don't actively do this in life now...but am always your mom...best job ever....

but i am finding out that i still am a mom....and love being a mom when i am a mom...now that can make you a bit crazy, but it is what it is....i love my new kids, who aren't so new anymore...but more and more mine.  i share them with this woman who is gone--in heaven, and somehow, she is sharing my sarah with me...can't wait till she and i talk about this journey....

i have learned alot in all this 96 full moons...

i think i am closer to writing my book about all this---and hope that people let me write the way i do--non-gramatical and from my heart.  i hope i remember all the things, but this blog has many of them...it is such a beautiful and tragic story...my oh my.

i also have begun a new journey, saw that my friends-some on this childless journey with me, are also starting new paths.  that gives me great hope.  i began to do the Ignatius Spritual Exercises this week.  I sense it is right on time for me.  my soul feels stirred in a place of wonder.

so, it is early today, just 6:30 a.m.  Rick and Harry are still sleeping.  The candles are lit...the sacred space to remember is on the porch with flowers from Rick and Scott and Laura and kids....

it is again, a very sacred day.
she never knew what was about to happen...she had no idea.  no fear...so precious, my girl.

help me to keep on...help Chris, who misses her so, yet strains like me to embrace and live fully...help all of us-so many who loved her so well.  

thank you God for these days we had her.
the days i had her.
i hate to miss her, it aches so.

simple table with simple things, ashes, a seagull, candles, the small statue of the little girl I got in switzerland so long ago...her scarves she loved and wore so well...red roses and calla lilies, her green empty flower pot boots--empty on purpose....a jar of shells and broken things...reminding me of her brokenness...and a willow tree woman remembering.....simple, yet so meaningful...

my finger tips still touch these separate keys, intentionally trying to draw from my heart, my thoughts and still fumble along...missing keys, missing the right letter...sometimes i find the key immediately, sometimes i have to delete, or pause...so it is life....just fumbling along...trying and retrying and do overs...and just then hit publish.
it is the best i can do today. 

1 comment:

Karen Gerstenberger said...

Weeping with you this morning: that photo, her openness, beauty, wonder and closeness to the force of nature. Oh dear heart, much love to you!