and another super moon
beautiful, bright, wakes you up from sound sleep moon....creeps across your face and lets you know it is there. shines on your soul and almost quietly warms you--not like the sun, just like the moon. slowly slips away, room gets darker...and then it is gone.
sometimes I feel your presence Sarah. slips in quietly, warms my heart, then slips away.
hard to have so many moons gone by. hard to have momentos to remember you instead of you.
you-so full of light, laughter...made a room come alive the minute you walked in. you never took no for an answer there--always full, always present.
sometimes i laugh right out loud when i remember times that bring tears to my eyes.
the thing i hate about today--you being gone--in such a quick and tragic way-is that i still ponder how did you process it happening, what were your thoughts...i had the privilege, as did others...to listen to you--read your thoughts...know you and this is one time we are all left not knowing...not knowing your heart at the last moments of your precious life.
not a good and safe place for me to stay, the edge of this place is sharp...it draws me in....more on this day...my muscles aren't as strong to pull away...i feel drawn to come nearer again...to step closer, to listen...and yet it is as quiet as ever....no words, none.
i am a mom still, sometimes i have written that that is really over...what an ass...i am a mom...it is in me. i may be your "past tense mom" in a way that we don't actively do this in life now...but am always your mom...best job ever....
but i am finding out that i still am a mom....and love being a mom when i am a mom...now that can make you a bit crazy, but it is what it is....i love my new kids, who aren't so new anymore...but more and more mine. i share them with this woman who is gone--in heaven, and somehow, she is sharing my sarah with me...can't wait till she and i talk about this journey....
i have learned alot in all this 96 full moons...
i think i am closer to writing my book about all this---and hope that people let me write the way i do--non-gramatical and from my heart. i hope i remember all the things, but this blog has many of them...it is such a beautiful and tragic story...my oh my.
i also have begun a new journey, saw that my friends-some on this childless journey with me, are also starting new paths. that gives me great hope. i began to do the Ignatius Spritual Exercises this week. I sense it is right on time for me. my soul feels stirred in a place of wonder.
so, it is early today, just 6:30 a.m. Rick and Harry are still sleeping. The candles are lit...the sacred space to remember is on the porch with flowers from Rick and Scott and Laura and kids....