Wednesday, September 26, 2018
remembering the beginnings of honoring the day
today is the day before you died in 2007. it is early. I wake up and ache. I try to go back to sleep. no chance of that.
I come to this blog to write. I don't know what I will write, I just hope it will get some of the ache out of my fingers where it feels so very full.
I go to my pictures and find these--the very first time we crossed the day you died...and we took some of your ashes and put them into Lake Erie, on your beach, "Sarah's beach".
Many came that year-to be together, to honor a life, to be near each other...still lost in this whole thing...
Sue had tshirts make for us--we bought them from her to get money raised for your scholarship fund--for art therapy students-Chris's idea...which is still going on.
I forgot that all these people came that day--and stayed and ate and drank and told Sarah stories...this cottage was full...full of ones who loved you so. tears...toasts...this is the day it began...remembering you.
now it is year 11.
quieter now. no party. trying to figure out what to do tomorrow to honor you.
I get lost. so do others still. the hallway is quiet on this side of heaven. we who are still here just hang hard onto hope.
I Hope in heaven.
I hope I see you again.
All will be made new.
But right now in the midst if remembering that you had your last full wonderful day of life with Chris today in Italy---and had no idea it was your last...my oh my...that is a place I walk so softly through.
Memories--tomorrow brings some of the worst for me. my fingers search the keys on this keyboard for what is trying to be said....like a dance they move but do not type, searching...searching..
so, I will go now and drink some coffee. I will listen to the rain. I will hope in heaven. I will trust.
I will live today.
I will be gentle today with me, with others who don't know my sore momma's heart. I will lean against Rick, the gift God gave to me to walk out this journey for now...and be thankful.
I miss you sweet girl. I miss you.