End of a year, beginning of another 2006

Amazes me how fast time is going by. I just read tonight that it was 6 years ago right now that we were all so concerned about Y2K. I remember thinking that it really was alot about nothing---really was not worried at all. Was wondering what the worst that could happen?? People were so afraid.
The longer I am here, the less I want to worry. I have worried at certain times in my life more than others, for many different reasons. Worry got me nowhere. I really believe leaning into the Father and trusting Him to be there is the best. I hope to practice that more and more in my life this coming year.
We just finished another Christmas without our mom. It was quiet in some ways. We are all trying to make new traditions and all. I did have Sarah and Christopher and Susan over on Christmas eve day and we celebrated well. It was just a wonderful day. We had a good brunch, hottubbed and gifts and a nap before they had to head on. It was a good first time we have done that.
Tonight all of us gathered at Tim's home to have gifts for the kids. They all seemed to have such a good time this year. We took all the traditional pictures of everyone, that was fun to see the changes. It was good to have Barb here too. She needs us and we need her. We all quietly missed our mom, sister, grandma this year. I miss her right now too. Somedays can hardly believe I can't just pick up the phone and call her. I really don't know how people live without the hope of seeing them again. I really love thinking about my mom and dad and sister greeting me in heaven. I love to know about heaven-it has to be so much greater than I could ever even imagine.
Well, another year is right ahead of me. I hope to press into goals and questions soon-and begin to really ponder and carve out the beginnings of what is in my heart to give my time and energy to this year. I hope to become much more healthy, paint more, teach more, give more talks, lean more into ministry, enjoy the water and vacation and spend more time with my family. Gets more simpler the older I am getting. I don't have any desire to go after it anymore. I hope to see more settling of the areas of sadness too in all our lives.
Thankful to get to live and step into another year-what a gift. Thank you God.

Truly Christmas is coming

Truly it is almost Christmas. Just celebrated the first Thanksgiving without my parents---we are now the oldest, with the exception of aunts and uncles. We did well. Even shopped 12 hours on the day after Thanksgiving and did it well-it was Susy's 43 birthday and she made the day a joy!! She took her time throughout the day and loved seeing santa and the marine's collecting money and the waiters who sang to her for her birthday, she took time to hug each of them-even kissed the older marine guy---thanked him. I loved watching her live simply and gently. Sometimes I wonder who is retarded? She seems to live in a zone that I miss so much of the time with all the busyness and craziness of my world and all the demands. She is so much better than a year ago when mom was so sick. She was so terribly depressed.
It is good to see her laughing and having a good time. Funny how fast this year has gone. I know we each miss mom alot-each of us in our own way and special place. There are so many times each of us has wanted to call her and talk to her. Funny though, I have such peace that she is with dad and Nancy and God. It comforts me, I surely look forward to heaven. Where do others hope? Thank you Father for your hope-it is so great, so eternal.
Susan B. is slowly recovering from a major bleed in her brain almost 6 weeks ago. It has impacted so many people, we have so faithfully prayed. She is now recovering. I guess this will happen more and more the older we all get. In the midst of this aging thing, I want to live fully and well---to embrace the moments, to dance when no one is watching-to sing, to play, to paint, to embrace the one's I love. Thank you for the ones in my life who are so important to me. I am grateful.

Fall is moving into winter

Funny how fast the seasons go. The wind is blowing hard tonight-you can almost feel the waves hitting the house with force. My heart is melancholy tonight--blue like this print. My heart was stirred in a way 2 days ago which hasn't happened in a very long time and listening to Sleepless in Seattle hasn't helped it feel less blue.
I wonder about the heart-why it aches so when you feel certain ways. I wonder what makes it ache like it does when you miss someone or long for something you don't have. Seems like medically there really isn't a clear explanation to it---never learned anything about it in school...so when it happens, you want to stop the ache of it---a longing that is deeper than words.
Winter is coming soon-the winds are bringing snow soon. I am glad for a season of quiet-hibernation, slowing down and hunkering in. I hope to read alot this winter, paint more, create more. I am listening to my inner heart-the stirrings and beatings deeply. Trying to live richly, slowly, savoring the minutes-extracting life from the busyness of the days going by.
The holidays are coming-first time for new traditions to help with the old gone now. I pray we embrace them well. May they be gentle and kind and loving. I am grateful for the years gone by.

Last day.....

Today is the last day to visit my mom's house...we finished the move, finished taking all the things out of it, cleaning of it, moving items to their new home---such a strange thing. An end...a new beginning. Birth and death...old and new...always changing, never the same. I feel strangely like life slipping by...no stopping even to remember--without the pressure of things pressing right at your finger tips. I wonder what heaven will be like---will it feel like that--no rest for the wicked---what a saying...it is hard to rest, to grieve, to keep living all at the same time...ah, it is a day done now-and will now go to sleep and a new day will come. Thanks be to God for a wonderful mom-a wonderful home with lots of memories, a great family to love---I am a thankful woman.

First day of fall

Hard to believe the time slipping by. We are in the thick of moving all the treasures out of our mom's house now--as it sold to a really nice woman named Nancy. She loves mom's house and that is a blessing. That is what we had prayed for. But now we need to look and touch each item and decide who will take and keep it and what we will give away. We have purposely avoided doing anything I think-just none of us looked forward to taking her home apart. It has been comforting to go back and visit at times and just remember the good times there. This will close this door forever. We no longer have a parent-but now are the oldest generation other than aunts and uncles. It is odd how fast life goes by. Sometimes I think I am being very depressive with my writing---but it is something I have really had to process in the last year. Ugh!!
Many things to think about these days---but there are also many good things. I am so thankful to have my family and to be home-what a true blessing to be in solid and close relationship with my family.
Have also dreamt about mom and dad and they were on a cruise with us. They were sitting on the bow of the ship looking forward and outward and having a wonderful time---holding hands, laughing and just having such a good time. The rest of us were back a ways and behind like the same things you find in the lines at Cedar Point---could not get near them or to them no matter how hard we all tried---so we finally just stood there and watched them have a great time---it was truly a blessing to my heart.

Summer is coming up on the turn to fall

I can hear the insects that sing in fall outside all day long now. One of my friends visiting last weekend said that it is 90 days till the first snow from when the cicada starts its' song. From when I was small, I was always alittle melancholy when I would hear that song.
It has been a year now since mom was diagnosed and began her treatment and the last 5 months of her life. We are still trying to sell her condo-and will have to close it down soon. I know that will be difficult.
Life still rushes on though-never slowing for a kind moment of silence unless you just decide to take it purposefully.
What a time it is too. Still trying to find purpose in a ministry. Love to pray with all who ask, share the gospel freely and openly with all who seek-and minister to those in need. I think life pretty much is all about those things. Don't know why we try to make it more formal-human nature to try to have events people can come to and belong to. Please God, help all who are searching right now in my life, find you leading the way.
I really don't look forward to winter again so soon. I want to now begin to savor the fall and the changes that brings-warm sweaters, sweatshirts, socks and shoes, colorful leaves, smells of fires, cool mornings, frost, brisk walks outside, more of a view of the lake when the leaves fall, hot chocolate, chili, soups, warm pjs, it really has alot to enjoy!
I am most looking forward to a trip of adventure in 3 weeks with Shari to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard again--and painting and eating and playing-we do it so well. We did ad some extra days this year to explore-it will be a good time!!
So, going to church now-enjoying the fellowship of my brothers and sisters-and worship. I sure love you God, you are so good.

Memories to carry you

After spending a wonderful time with my group of friends of 15 years, I find myself reflecting on the goodness of God. What I personally brought away from this weekend of renewing friendships will stay with me for a long time. We encouraged one another to press on-inspite of the hardness of life, inspite of the trials of the every day world.
I am renewed-and find that it is a necessity to keep going back to the well to get refreshed. These women are a gift to me from God-and I need their presence in my life. Most of the world doesn't want to need anyone or anything-we pride ourselves on our independence. I don't want to be that way anylonger. I am weak and needy-and leaning on my heavenly Father and the ones he has placed alongside me is good. I am thankful-grateful, and feel encouraged today to know them and to know God. I really don't know how people do it without the intimate relationships where you can be candid and transparent in life and the hard things we walk through.

I miss my mom too, I miss her friendship and her presence in my life. She was not always easy to be around, but there truly is no one like her. I look forward to heaven and seeing her again and getting a mom's hug---And hearing her laugh again. I look forward to my dad's hug and seeing my sister Nancy--wonder what we will look like in the spirit-probably glorious. Seeing an end to death and suffering and pain-wow, that will be wonderful! God, help me press on with the faith that demonstrates all that you say is TRUTH.

Gifted with treasured friends for a lifetime.

I'm a blessed woman-I have been in a group of women that love Jesus for the last 17 years. We are gathering together tomorrow for the weekend-from all different places to laugh, cry, pray, eat, drink, encourage one another-play on the beach--just savor the few hours that God has allowed us again to have together.
I can't wait to hear each of their voices and see their smiles and gather their hugs. It has been too long for me since I was with all of them. I moved 3 years ago and miss the weekly meetings we have. No one has ever been in my life and helped me to dig more into God and become all I can be and am also created by God to be. For these women I am eternally grateful. I am thankful that even though we don't get the time so much here--we will spend eternity together. It doesn't get any better than that!

The last day of July

It is hard to see summer flying by. I say every year that I want to enjoy and savor it---and as the years fly by, I know it is harder and harder to slow it down to do so. I know right now I am about 1/2 way through this summer and I have loved it so far. I am enjoying the top down on my convertible and savoring the wind and the warmth of the sun. I am savoring the time with family and friends-the richness of both--to not miss the moments of time with them.
It is hard to think that one year ago right now, my mom was still here and we didn't know she had cancer-that life was as normal as could be. I want to live well, and laugh and drink it all in these days. I hope I live better from the experience of watching her slowly slip away to heaven.
Just had a wonderful time away at Put in Bay with my daughter-we had 3 days to connect and enjoy each other. What a gift. Time. What a gift.

Wanted to share my mom with you---she is holding her mascot Sophie, her sister Barb's dog who stayed through the whole time with all of us. 

Jazz night 

June in the air

Hard to believe it will be June tomorrow. It is becoming summer here at the lake. The sunset tonight was beautiful. The water was like glass. Took Harry-my chocolate lab to the lake tonight-all he wanted to do was swim, but not tonight---just a walk.
I am somewhat unsettled lately-trying to hear what God wants for me now that a new season is here. Seems like it is quieter than it has been, yet so many things calling to attention and time. I want to do it all-to taste it all, experience it all. Life goes by in some ways so fast you can't even measure the speed. I find myself not able to put it all in order the older I am getting---like when was that? Was it really 5 years ago? Seems like just yesterday, or maybe it was longer....I feel like my mind can 't hold it all together in order anymore. Lots of things are getting less clear too the longer I am moving past them. The things I felt so strong about don't seem so important any longer either. It takes way too much energy to hang on to insignificant things also. Just enjoying God-trying to touch another person, to listen to them-like really listen---not just hear them, but to listen to their behavior, see their eyes and see if they are really saying more than the words they speak.
It is a wonderful time---slower in some ways---if you don't run with the wind of the culture, but walk with God and hearing Him say---look at this person, or watch that or see this...different than where I have been.

how to figure it all out

Today was wonderful out---just a perfect 10 with the weather-nice breeze, beautiful skies and sunset. Work has been pretty hectic. As I get older, I find myself less settled with status quo and wondering where my passion lies as I live out the remainder of my life. As I work in hospice daily, I watch people get a terminal diagnosis and then try to begin to live with a passion to do what they really always wanted to do all along.
I would like to figure that out now, before it is a necessity. I work too long and too hard each day-and find myself then too tired to try to pull together the things I would like to see happen. I want to paint more, create more, read more, study more, walk more, connect more. So, how to do it. I went online to look at life coaching tonight. I know I do like to work alongside someone as they try to figure out what they want to do and to support them as they try to do it. I love sharing the gospel-do the works of Jesus---would still love to pastor. I want to seek you Father to show the direction for the next decade of my life. I don't want to end up just living it out randomly. I don't want to stress too much though, cuz I love the simpliness and solitude I have in my life. Ahhhh, it isn't the first time someone tries to figure this out, so will trust my heavenly Father to help light my way. I do love life, love getting a full glass of it each day-to drink fully and savor it.

spring is coming

It is hard to believe that just over 4 months have passed since my mom died on December 21. I just stopped writing as she got sicker. Took all the time to be with her and found myself being quieter. My family enjoyed the moments. It is strangely odd how quickly life has traveled on since then. It is quiet where her voice has been. I miss her. I grieve for her. I have such comfort that she is in heaven and I will see her again some day. I know she now knows the truth of what will follow after her life, something all the rest of us still living wonder about.
The trees are getting leaves now. The daffodils are up and spring is here. Again new life breaks out all around us. The green in the leaves is never again like it is when the leaves first come out. Such a picture of the life that evolves. Enough for now.