feels like a big hole

I was thinking of the 9/11 attack yesterday and thought of how the city of Manhatten was so devastatingly affected in the communication and how the city could function and that is how it feels like to me---Like I am the island of Manhattan and a big hole has been blown in me...and there is this gaping hole--and so much devastation---and just trying to go through the wreckage now to see what is there..

Not to say I have experienced that horrific tragedy that took so many lives--but to me, I can think of no greater loss than to lose Sarah. I feel it has impacted me in the most significant way. Christopher too--and many others have been terribly impacted by this tragedy. I can't seem to look past the minute on some days--and certainly not past the day. It is so hard. I am trying to keep writing and talking and connecting---still terribly sucks. ugh...so often, the word is ugh...I write it alot in my journal...ugh...just ugh...like a deep groan...so deep...so aching...

Trying to lean close to Jesus---knowing He is close--holding me. I know people tell me everyday they are praying for me and for Chris all the time...I know it is true and can't imagine what it would be like if they weren't.

Heaven is inviting---life is calling us to live...and to live and grieve with an eternal hope that says we will see her again...and to live it out before everyone. God please help me, help us to do that.

Happy 29th Birthday my dear girl

My dear girl-Happy birthday to you. I hold you in my heart today-as do so many of us. I can't imagine what you are doing today--celebrating and dancing? I can't wait to see you and hug you. It is hard to be on this side of the veil and wonder. To trust and believe that there is the most incredible kingdom of God--full of life and love and no more death, sorrow, tears....

You are the joy of my life. You have brought me the best times. I just have loved you Sarah C so much. I can't imagine the days ahead without your imput. So many people have said that they know what you would say about all the things they think about---they are right...you always spoke with clarity and truth. I loved that about you. Underneath the words you would speak was in incredible love for all of us---to compell us to live our lives better--richer, fuller--not holding back. Going for it.

Today I will celebrate your life--and hold you dearly to me. I will toast to you. I feel you leaning on my back sometimes--out of my sight, but like you are so close. I will hug your dear husband today who misses you so....and encourage him to press on too---we do have the best hope to see you again. We need to live that hope out before others--so they too will believe. We want others to know about heaven and Jesus--and how He is the real deal too.

God help us all today who grieve for our dear bella Sarah to not grieve as though we don't have hope---but to grieve with hope--to see her again. To know that this side of heaven is nothing compared to there. I have to believe Sarah is having the best birthday ever and she is hugging on us today somehow.

She was born at 3:27 p.m today---Sarah Christen Ruksenos Princess...beauty. My angel. What a joy she has been---

I am grateful to have been her mom--the best job I ever have had.

With love to you my dear one---your mom

Days of grey

It has been 6 weeks ago that Sarah died. It has been the most difficult journey I have ever taken so far in my life. This picture was taken in the Cinque Terra with the 2 of them before her death.

I am speechless for words to adequately describe this journey of loss. I know that dear Christopher also has the same loss of words for his journey of the terrible loss of his wife.

In this, we have seen incredible ways that God has moved to bring more clarity and purpose to many of those traveling this road with us. People living more intentionally. It stops one in their tracks-this type of tragic loss.

I yearn more to go to heaven than ever before. I read Hebrews 13 and want to run fast---towards that place-where there is no more pain, nor sorrow, nor tears, nor death. I am numb. I am lost without my dear daughter to call and tell and talk everything over with. I am missing the many calls during the day with no reason other than to call...no one to make future plans for all the things we loved to do. It is hard to think about trying to do any of them again--and not be sad.

I know that many walk this road-and their steps are slowed for a long time.

I pray that God will help both of us--and all the other dear ones who are also grieving--to have the hope of heaven like never before--to press on, to hope in Jesus. To not grieve as one without hope. She was my bright one--a shining joy that will be so missed. I can hardly stand it in some moments....

May our dear Lord help us all. She will be sorely missed...by so many. I am thankful to have had her as my child. In just 11 days, she would have turned 29...and that is even odd---does she always stay 28 now....would have been..... Death is hard--not right, not fair...

ugh...some days are not made for any sense. Those are the days of grey.