just goes on and on and on....

head in my hands...tears fall

ache in my heart

emptyness in my stomach that is struggling to digest it all

my chest that takes small breaths...unable to take in the air of grief

a new land, one I have no map for

there is no title for a mother who has lost her child like for a person who has lost their spouse

how do you say....when they ask, "do you have any children?" sometimes it is easier to just say, "Yes, I have a daughter", and they say, that is nice. if you tell them, you had a daughter--then they look at you with that look of pain...and then you have to try to tell the story. if you tell the story, it becomes more and more painful to watch the sadness in their eyes of pain...and it goes over and over again...a new land...one I have no map for. such a difference between the have and had. we all lose...we all learn to walk this land of loss.

i am learning to walk this land, to hold the hand of the ONE who has carried me and all of us to this place of sorrow and will carry us through and onward. we do trust-with the blindness of faith, that we will press on. grateful for the love and care of the ones around that cheer us on. so many memories recently, so many things to remember her and trigger memories. new sorrow, new roads to learn. always having to trust each new one and turn over to Him who holds our hearts.

missing you, missing you, missing you.

quiet

silent

deep

endless

hard

unfair

unending

wordless

dark

looking for the light-the only light that brings hope...and reaching out to others and to You to keep on. looking forward to heaven, to eternal life. listening to angel wings, seeing and hearing with different ears for glimpses of that hope-all day long--all night long....living in a new land with no map. You are God of heaven, and here I am on earth...and I let my words be true---Jesus, I am so in love with you. And I'll stand in awe of You....and I'll let my words be true...Jesus, I am so in love with you.

Kiss my girl today.

Sweet memories

Just a dear day--just home from cleaning and sorting at Christopher's house...going through Sarah's books and kitchen stuff. Tears and laughter mixed together...sweet and hard.

Funny how much we are alike--so many of the same things we would buy. Just loved shopping with her, gardening with her...anything with her.

Her spring flowers she planted last year are all up--loads of daffodils and tulips---just gorgeous. Even in the front 2 beds that never had things grow too long as the heat would take them out in the summer.

I just love touching your stuff Sarah-makes me feel close for a bit...just miss you so. Just is so long since you were here with us. So many miss you. We are trying to keep living and not just living, but living well--embracing the day, the moment--loving and living. Can't wait to see you again--love you so much. My girl.

Such a time

Wow, that is all I can say on some days. Here I am with Rick--putting his house on the market to begin the move to the east for him into a brand new life. Soon I will be his wife.

So much has changed in the last 6 months, so many things that have been new. Newly engaged, newly having lost my dearest daughter and friend Sarah. Newly unemployed at my old job, but newly employed at a new job. Losses and gains....so many things have changed.

Somedays there is nothing left in the well. Nothing left to try to use to navigate how to think or respond to all of this. Sometimes I am doing seemingly ok--then something triggers the inner part of my heart that is still raked raw from the grief of the tragic loss not so long ago. Tears come quickly and hot on my cheeks. The aching is swift to fill in my heart, mixing into the joy of the days I am also in---they swirl together and make a new flavor in my spirit and heart-a taste I have never tasted before.

I wonder how all this will play out in the days and months to come---much to look forward to---looking forward to 63 days till I say "I Do", and yet...my dear Sarah will not be there in person to celebrate this most wonderful love. 63 days will also take me to a land less familiar with where I am leaving. So--in 63 days-some gets better and more joyful, and some of me leaves the land I loved so well further behind. Life is so difficult at times---to live means movement and breathing--not staying and stopping. It tugs at me to keep going. I know I will go on, I know it will never leave this mother's dear heart totally---and all the time, you remind yourself over and over---heaven is coming, you will see her again....it won't be the same, but it will make sense then...you will see her in her glorious body, not broken and decaying as you did at the end. So many images still play before my mind still too often--only not spoken out loud much any more....what to do with them...as they find themselves as reruns when you don't even know you are watching till you have played it through.

Joy--something I pray for. God, I want joy that is not just feeling it...but a well of fullness that comes from the faith of all this is so true and real--and even in the sore losses, we experience a peace that comes only from being settled...settled in to the knowledge of it is all true. I sit down in this right now---and rest my head against your shoulder. Held by you, loved by you. Yes...that is right and good. I am tired. I am going to bed.

Such dear memories

My heart is tender, missing you.

remembering such sweet memories of times of togetherness, playing-laughing. Telling stories, singing songs. So many times with our feet in the sand. We have spent countless hours on the beach in our lives. Such fun.

There are days that seem to be so empty to me. It gets longer and longer since I have talked to you, yet still often think of you first when I have something new to tell or share. I ache right in the middle of my chest when I realize that you are not here then. I wonder often too what you are doing--how this eternal life really is? Life is so complex. So stretching of my belief system.

Sarah, dear Sarah. I am grateful for you in my life. I have spent so many years with you at the center of my heart. Can't think of too many things ever in the 29 years you were a part of me, that you didn't end up being thought of with all of it. Now---your life is drifting away. No matter how much I want to keep you very present, it just is not possible. I hate that, but know to keep living--I must embrace life. I know deep in my heart, that I will see you again. I so can't wait till that day happens.

Here is a prayer sent to me by Peggy Wheeler on 10/23-just less than one month after Sarah died. I think this prayer has held me fast during all these months since then. It helps me to have wild hope at when I see her again. May it bless all who read it---with fresh hope of heaven. May the salt breeze hit you in the face as your ship too turns its' last turn on your way home. May you have the hope of heaven in your heart!!

Let the stories of Sarah that we bring keep her memory fresh and let them bring healing. Allow Chris to treasure all of these things, and to slip them away for safe keeping in her heart. Let our efforts extended provide true comfort and in your timing. How I wish we all knew how to do this grief thing. Lord... this was never a part of your plan for your children, and we do feel robbed... death truly is a thief here in this place, on this side of eternity.
Grief... it does come in waves... aptly and curiously described in light of this tragedy. At times it seems to come at us from nowhere leaving us floundering in our own sea. Please steady Chris right now on the solid rock where you have placed her. Steady her, hold her fast, and when grief sits heavy on her chest and lodges tightly in her throat, remind her to breathe. Bring peace and bring your comfort. Wrap her in your strong arms where she is safe to rest, and grant her healing and merciful sleep I pray.
Oh Lord, my sister said that waking each morning brings overwhelming grief. I pray that you grant in the place of this suffocating grief a new image of hope that will melt warm over her when her eyes fly open at each new day.
In her minds eye Lord, I pray that you help Chris to imagine that she is aboard some beautiful and magnificent ship, where she is standing at the rail on the upper deck feeling the sun warm on her face, and the balmy sea breeze gently tosses her hair.The sound of sea birds and the smell of the salty air mixed with some sweet flower scent feels exotic yet somehow so familiar. She is filled with peace and excitement for the great ship is turning, ever slowing in the calm and beautiful blue waters. The ship makes its way into the port of call and then comes to a stop. In this place where they planned to meet, there are a sea of faces awaiting loved ones, and as she scans the crowd she catches the first sight of her.. her Sarah! She see her running wildly on the dock along side the ship. Her hair is unruly in the breeze and she pulls it back from her face as she looks up- She points to you as your eyes meet! Your heart pounds madly and at once you feel connected..... finally connected again. She smiles that wide and beautiful smile. She waves furiously, hurrying you in welcome. You cannot descend the stairs and get past the walls of people fast enough.She is jumping up and down, you are moving toward one another and your arms are open wide. You are running toward her open arms, and all the while she is yelling playfully- scolding you for taking so long to finally get home.
Amen

memories

It is a misty day out today. Yesterday was a difficult day for Christopher, Karalyn and I as we began to sort through the most dear and personal things you had Sarah. Tears mixed with smiles of remembering you in certain things-wearing certain things...loving your stuff. You were so colorful, so beautiful. I loved seeing how you mixed and matched the things you had.

It is such a hard thing to walk out grief. The work of grief is ever present-always in front of you with memories and possessions and empty places where you would be. I miss you so, so many people miss you so. We share the sarah stories--which make us laugh as you did so many things that still crack us all up. You were a unique and wonderful girl. We will never be the same knowing you. I am the most blessed mom to have gotten the assignment of having you for my one and only---oh my!! God blessed me so. I miss our times, our talks, all the fun we had. Your spot is so wide and deep in me. My heart aches sometimes so deep.

Somehow in the midst of the mist of this walk, I see the light ahead-maybe it is just heaven beckoning me to keep hoping. I do hope and hope in me is huge. I look forward to the eternal part still coming, still ahead. I can only imagine the wonders of the kingdom, what you are doing right this minute. Full of life--true life, eternal life. I want to share that life with all I meet--the people who don't know about it yet.

Wish you were here for my selfishness--to share the joy of my upcoming marriage to Rick. You would love him, you probably know more about him that I do!! He is a dear man and God is so kind to bring him alongside of me right now. I am excited for my future--but miss that you don't get to be part of this special time. You would be wild with ideas--I would be having a blast watching you put this all together with the flair of what only you could imagine!! You would stretch me in ways to embrace this new man in my life...."Mother---just get a life!! Don't hold anything back, embrace it, embrace him--go for it!!" I can hear you loud and clear Sarah C. I get it, I will not miss this, I will savor every moment of it and drink long and hard this wonderful cup of love given to me in the midst of deep sorrow and pain. God is kind to me. God is blessing me in the most beautiful way.

just know i miss you---God please hug and kiss my girl today---right in that special spot that she will know it is from me.