beauty of the rose

The rose is our picture of my new love---opening slowly.

The closed one is the picture of our upcoming wedding.

I am excited to see this rose begin to open-to see the petals and colors of this closed rose.

Such a glorious time has been this engagement period. The pedals on the open rose have been glorious and tender and sweet. I am rich beyond words in what these last months have meant to me. I have seen joy in the land of the living. I have experienced love in a manner never experienced before.

I am blessed by this love. Blessed by the rich fragrance, the glorious tenderness and gentleness of it. I am more because of it. I have loved my singleness, my time of finding myself and finding who I am. I love taking this to this relationship. The fullness of knowing me. The richness of my wholeness and what that brings to love. I am not carrying broken pieces that still have sharp edges, but taking me to present to him, and him to me.

God, I look forward with anticipation to 3 weeks from today--to see the new rose begin to open, to see the mystery of marriage. To smell the mystery of this covenant, the new land before us. To see you Father---bless this new place and to welcome both of us to our new journey together.

How blessed I am. How excited I am, how hopeful I am. Thank you Father. Thank you for this gift. Thank you for Rick.

excitement in the days ahead, carrying the tears

there is joy in the days ahead. there is excitement at the joy others have for me, for us. I am excited to think that God would bring a dear man along my side at this season in my life, to journey with and discover. even in the season of loss, there is life. how can one hold both. some moments, it seems like these two blur together-and take on their own aroma. an aroma that i have not smelled before-rich, distinct. full of life and full of eternal richness.

i know i appreciate this season like i have no other before because it is so unexpected. i have learned loss and the momentaryness of life..so to savor the moments given...that will sometimes abruptly be taken away. i will not hold hard and fast, but loose and with the freedom to savor and enjoy--and not be afraid. i will not allow the loss of sarah to taint how i live today. she would be furious to learn i began to live in fear. i will not hold on and live carefully or without risk--i will enjoy and be brave, i will embrace the new, try new things, drink fully and completely--i will not take fear with me to this new land. it has not been a friend, but a foe. it has been an unwelcome traveler, one that buys it's own ticket and acts like it is your long lost companion---reminding you of things that make it seem like it belongs. it waits for the moments to sneak in and lean in close--cutting off your breath and diminishing the flame of hope. i will not welcome it--i will not. JESUS, you are my constant-you are my hope, you are the only one welcome to continue with me in this new strange land i have not gone to before. YIPPEEEEE, God i am so excited...and am still carrying tears. they fall freely and splatter sometimes all over the joy--but the colors mix to unusual and beautiful pastels---and extend beyond borders...and make their own markings and designs. i love the way they mix....and they bring a depth to my soul that has not been there ever before. God--you have been kind to teach me these things...in the midst, on this journey...you are kind. you are so my Father.

joy!!!!!

Amazed that God would allow me to do a marriage. Just amazed at what He does even when we feel bankrupt and empty.

Marriage---I am getting excited to be entering soon into this wonderful land in just 24 days. Blessed to have the most wonderful man chosen for me to walk the journey with.

Wishing Sarah were there in person to celebrate--as I wished she would have been there in person for Ash and Nick's big day too...Ash missed her...but somehow I know Sarah was there in spirit. Don't get that part--just felt her there....smiling, rejoicing....glad!

I too am happy for this new marriage and the life ahead of 2 wonderful people...just thank God for their love and excitement. God bless the 2 of them in their life together.

too long

Lonely for you tonight.

8 months.

miss you. ache.

empty

quiet

salty sweet days and nights

just ache tonight-even as i pick a picture out for my blog, it aches. sometimes i look for the picture before i find the words. just miss you sarah. how do i say how hard it is not to be able to pick up the cell phone and call you--anytime...anywhere...we could do that and did. i wonder if i ever will delete your name, even when it is hard to scroll past it...

even in the outlook directory--your name is there. i am sure many of us wonder this too. it makes it more permanent if it gets deleted...maybe we will just thank God for you when we see it--and make it sweet instead of salty.

only 31 days right this moment till i marry. and i am trying to do this without your present help. i hate that part. i know you--oh my..you would have so many things happening if you were here. i am keeping it very simple...and many are helping--thank God---you would be happy about that. i am sure it will be so sweet and perfect. i truly am excited about the wedding...just sad...so sad you will not be there...smiling that wild ass smile that showed those beautiful white teeth!! such a smile i never see...except in my mind and memories now.

so many people miss you--they write and call and tell me. i am so blessed by their words. they help me know how real you were...your voice is quieter and harder to recall...i hate that. i often go to your myspace page just to listen to your laugh. i have 6 messages on my cell phone from you---2 birthday messages 2 years in a row...you would laugh and ask my why i would save this stuff...well...see!!! i am so glad i did....so glad i did.

i miss you my girl. i miss you so. tonight the why is on my lips again. just heard on the news that stephen curtis chapman's 5 year old daughter was killed by her brother when he backed up out of the driveway and ran over her tonight--ugh...it starts, the tragedy..the awfulness of this. i pray so for all of them tonight---from far off. just like so many prayed the moment they heard about you dying...for all of us. tragedies...ugh...so awful, so hard.

God, please hold me tonight....i just have a sore, sore mother's aching heart...needing to hold her girl. i just miss you sarah...my sarah c.

in the hand of God

Here it is on Mother's day--my first one with you living now in heaven. Such a quiet and odd day today. I am blessed by so many people remembering you today and giving such love and cards and calls. I am blessed by so many wonderful friends and family...you would be so happy about that.

Yesterday was a hard day--anticipating you gone. I have met so many people who have lost someone in the last months--there is a tenderness and look in people's eyes that gives it away. I think so often about heaven and what it is like where you are? What are you doing...what do you see? Did you know Tom, our neighbor just died? Do you get to meet people as they get to heaven? I am intriqued by this thing of life after death..I know we all will find out someday, so think about it more and more now that you are gone.

You would love to meet Rick--he is just a wonderful man...I wish you were here to see how happy I am...and how wonderful he is...I just wish I had both of you. Chris called me today too--and wished me a happy mother's day---just hear it in his voice too...the missing of you.

I love this picture of you Sarah--makes me think of when you were little and that night I found you in your dad's and my bed--and we had been fighting. When I came into our room, you were there laying in our bed, just 6 years old..and I saw a glow about you--a peace was all over you--and I asked you what you were doing and you told me you were "laying in the hand of God" and I could actually see you there--and saw the peace all over you...so I still think of you there--in His hand and cared for. I can't wait to see you. I miss you, miss our memories..miss our times. I have such hope-hope in the greatest eternity...just a wonderful and wild time in the best of all places--our eternal home. It will be just great to see you--feel you, hug you. I miss you fiercely today sweet girl...love you more than words could ever say. Please give my mom a hug too today and tell her I so miss her too....and can't wait to hug her too. Love you so. mom