life is hard enough...then there are those who make it harder....

In the midst of life--there is enough of the hard stuff and then along comes people who can make it even harder by just causing things to unravel because of their own distortions of seeing things.

I am mad...mad that instead of believing in the goodness--people chose to see things through limited filters and then speak of these as though they are true and then make it look as though something that is---isn't and that it is something else that would be evil or wrong.

God-help me to trust you--not in man or womankind. I am so disappointed today--life is hard enough---the rules that seem to help us walk in a certain way---sometimes become a noose that hangs us all.

It has been a very hard year---more hard than even words can describe and then someone can say something to cause more harm---and cause things that are trying to ravel into order again to unravel.

I am so disappointed sometimes in people. Ugh. Help me not to be bitter, help me not to doubt what I know as true. Help people be more careful...to not speak without knowing....gossip...so ugly, causes so much harm...wounds deeply---

1. A gorilla at a zoo in the German city of Muenster is refusing to let go of her dead baby's body several days after it died of unknown causes.
   
   The gorilla at a German zoo has been carrying around her dead baby since he died last week.
   
   Allwetter Zoo spokeswoman Ilona Zuehlke says the 3-month-old male baby died on Saturday but its 11-year-old mother continues to carry its body around. Zuehlke says such behavior is not uncommon to gorillas.
   Zuehlke says the mother "is mourning and must say goodbye." The mother gorilla is named Gana.
   Signs were posted near Gana's enclosure Wednesday to explain the situation to visitors. A staff member is also present to answer questions.
   The baby was named Claudio and was Gana's second baby. She had a female baby in 2007 that now lives at the Stuttgart Zoo.

Tiffany sent this to me last night---amazing---even mother gorilla's have a deep sense of loss and how to release and let go....such sorrow. Such loss....

emptiness

There is a place that is just empty. Like something has been cut out, taken away...

right out of my life, my heart.

The one year anniversary of Sarah's death is coming in just over one month and it feels like years at times...and like it was just yesterday at other times.

So much has happened in this year---I can't even catch my breath. I feel fuzzy most of the time...need alot of rest, need alot of time to be still, to be quiet. Need to make sure to let this emptiness start to be filled back up again. I wonder if that will ever happen. I wonder if it will be something I will ever know.

Sometimes it is very hard to be so far away from Italy and not being able to go to the place she died and just be there. It was good to be there, but I want to go more often than I can because I live here.

oh well..enough. Sarah...my dear girl...just missing you today. Nothing new about that...just trying to learn to live this life without your daily presence. It is hard.

Released and Receiving...2 big words

I am in the midst of a big thing, and I know this for sure. I believe that God is teaching me something that will be forever altering me inside. I am undone most of the time, but beginning to see His hand bringing the image out of me---like Michaelangelo brought life out of a dead piece of marble so many times. We saw marble that he had started while in Rome--and it was incredible--also saw some in Florence--and to see the images beginning to take shape out of a square piece of marble is something to behold.
That is what I feel like so often now. God is doing something very new, very big in me. I have not been here before. I have to release things---from my heart and mind and soul---to clear the way to receive the new. To on purpose and with surrender---let go. Many things have changed in these last 11 months. I woke to a whole new scenery, new landscape---the players changed dramatically...and not at all in a bad way, just in a way that feels like I was abducted and moved to a whole new identity...or like one of those television shows about the guy who is given a new identity to protect himself...but I didn't get a new identity really---just many things changed....job, family members left and new ones showed up...roles changed---on and on...
so, here I am...given this incredible choice----to release the hopes and dreams and all to a loving and caring God--the ones which will break my heart if I don't. I was watching Master and Commander 2 days ago---and at one point, part of the mast breaks off when they are in furious seas---and a man fell in too with this and it was all still attached--and it began to pull the whole ship down into the sea---to kill all on board. The captain played by Russell Crowe had to decide to cut the mast loose--or lose the ship...and he did...he let the man and the broken mast go---
Odd....but we all have choices like this sometimes---and I feel like it is time to release...on purpose, with freedom---and then receive...with joy and love and gratefulness---the gifts the Father is giving to me. Now, don't get me wrong---this is not at all easy--and I know I will be doing this with a soberness and an alertness in the days to come as I have a very fickle mind that so easily falls into the rut of remembering...and staying there---sometimes too long...and then I have been sucked into the vat of sorrow, sticky and hard to get released from...so that is what I am learning. Learning is not easy, nor have I done too well on some days.
Do I miss you...yes....so much...so much. Dear Sarah...You are one of a kind...my dear one... my dear daughter...my loving and best friend. I so know in my heart that you are soaring like never before and never could have in this life...that heaven holds fullness and wonder and full joy for you. I am needed here right now---God has called me to love and be part of a wonderful family---and I love them. I will see you again. They will meet you too and I will be glad to have that to happen...as you would have loved to be part of them too. I know that.

This last picture is of us on the Walk of Amore-toasting to life...to fullness and richness. I was taught by many there of the fierceness of life, the hardness...and also the need to press on. I have learned many things before...and never knew it was so hard to then do it. Learning is one thing...doing is another. I am trusting in my Father to help. I am blessed with a wonderful man who is walking alongside too and good friends and family. I am rich. Thank you God.

Home now...or is italy home

Images of the ceremony while we were in Manarola, Cinque Terra. You are welcome to visit myspace page to see the rest of them. http://www.myspace.com/truenorth78

still no words, so much swirling in my heart. it will take a long time to process the absolute beauty of our time there and the wonders of the gentleness and kindness of the people who were there, embracing us, loving us.

I will write more in the days to come, but words and letters do not seem to be coming together right now---just my heart of hearts that so misses Sarah all over again. To finally see the place she lost her life was more than can simply be put on paper at this time. To touch the sea, feel the water, smell the air...it all was surreal.

Many questions were answered and healing did come in odd ways...but the realness of it all has hit home. To hear the opera singer whom the president invited to sing, "Time to say Goodbye" per Christopher's request...to get the painting I am holding in my hand from a famous artist the president commissioned to paint of Sarah's last moment...on and on...the stories are many, the generosity and humbleness of the people who loved and served us....touched our hearts so deeply...and feels like their hands and hearts are still right there with us.

The pictures above are: Chris spreading some of Sarah's ashes at the place she died. 2. Chris and I with the President Franco and his wife and 2 of the American consulate people 3. the 2 plaques done--which are now being framed to preserve them and will be hung above the spot she died at Point Bonfiglio, Manarola. The one on the right was painted by the artist who did the painting's girlfriend. 4. One of the posters which were all over the Cinque Terra of Sarah with the poems in Italian and english--and inviting all the people to the ceremony. 5. the place sarah died. it is the landing right below the walkway. The wave that hit her was at least 10 feet over her head. 6. Chris and I holding the painting while the soloist sang, "Time to say goodbye".

It is alot. Here is the link to part of the ceremony that was on their TV station running over and over during the whole week we were there.

Here is the Cinque Terre website and video news coverage of Sarah’s ceremony. Go to this link, http://www.parconazionale5terre.it/ then scroll down to "In ricordo di Sarah Scherer" and click on the video button.

That is all for now. Heart is so full. Miss her.