Just a fog on some days...seems like i almost see you...hear you...and then...my heart remembers it all...

last night as i was wrapping presents for so many new people in my life, i realized there were none for you...and then the tears came...

i had felt odd before it happened...a bit tense and overdrawn..and couldn't quite figure out why i was crabby, out of sorts, not enjoying what i was doing...and then... i knew. i went to the couch and pulled myself deep into the corner and just sat.

and remembered.

i am sometimes so lost in all this. i feel like my thoughts are like a misbuttoned shirt...no matter how many times i rebutton it, it never matches. and my heart feels that way too. trying to live well, yet still my shirt never buttons right.

i have lost my dearest daughter. i hate those words, that they are mine. i sometimes fight the wrongness of that and am so angry, so ripped off...so lost in my lost.

i can get to the side of walking it out again...knowing so many others now who have lost. their is a wildness in the eyes of someone who has lost. i see it. i even see it in my eyes when i look long enough. a sorrow that never leaves them. the worn edges aroung my eyes from tears. from the longing of another word or hug or smile or memory.

one more goodnight song...your wet hair hanging across my legs as you lie on my lap to have me run my fingers in your hair. feeling your full weight as you run and jump on me---even as a 28 year old...acting 5. don't think you ever grew up, sarah c...at least not with me...you were a girl in a woman's body but so easily slipped back into the joy of youth. i miss your joy in this season. i miss the card table up so we could make presents--with all the new ideas we gathered in the year. i have your last list on my computer that you sent to a. barb and i when we went to sagatuck....so many things we had still to do...

lost...in the memories...wires disconnected still in my brain, trying to realign them...to make it make some kind of logical sense, yet logic and sense never will connect in this for me. oh my, my brain is so tired when i am on this street...night hours pass slowly.

missing you tonight, every night...every day. wonder.

wonder so much. what you are doing right now...do you see me, do you know? do you know how much so many people miss you? i miss hearing that answer...that full answer you would have with any question and how you loved questions, learning more about me and everyone. you loved learning more.

and now another christmas--3 now you won't be here...i am trying to get the groove on in my step, new life, new kids, new grandkids who don't know what to call me...how did the buttons never match up? i didn't know life could get so hard...i didn't know i wouldn't know how to live...i never knew it would take all i have and more to do this...

i so need you God. please help in these moments when my buttons don't match and i can't figure it out. please come. please hold me, please kiss my girl too...tell her i miss her and love her. life is not the same anymore...

life is good, just not the same...never the same.

Happy birthday my sweet Sarah C....

happy birthday dear one. wonder what you are doing right now in the new place you have gone...wonder. wonder about my mom and dad and sister...what they are doing too. we just see so limited, and have to just stretch high and believe...up onto our tippy toes...stretching high with both hands up, reaching high...and still not seeing...but believing.

i have had the privilege of meeting others whose children are gone now too---do you all gather and know this where you are? do you see us touching each other's hearts in tenderness on days like this when we want to celebrate but instead remember...and hold dear the memories of days before? i wonder if you all are so thrilled we have connected--or did you talk to God about us and He brought paths of ours to touch one anothers...?

i woke today remembering exactly where i was 31 years ago at that moment...i was about 10 hours into labor and you were not descending, so they did an xray of my pelvis to see if i could even deliver you..and found it would be marginal...so we waited 8 more hours to then decide to c-section you---and i still didn't know if you were a boy or girl...but i was ready...i had held you in my belly for many months---holding you closer...and then when i woke from anesthesia, i heard your dad keep repeating, "it's a sarah" it's a sarah"...and i can remember opening my eyes and they held you before me for the first time...and how absolutely beautiful you were...your slanted eyes, lots of brown hair, very pink...and then...into my arms...held close...

i hold you close today...i feel your presence with me as i remember. how you loved the story of your birth...made me tell you it all, every detail, every year...and i loved watching your eyes as you listened and would remind me if i tried to leave a detail out...you were a stickler for all the details...

how glad i am for all those times...the tender and close times...glad we took the time....

blessed i am...to have been privileged to be called mom by you...thanks God...what a gift you gave to me...what a blessed time it was...

happy birthday sarah c. pumpkin noodle...loved all of you...

as a mom...i sure could go on and on...and could just talk all day and night. i do miss bragging about you..and telling what you have been up to. i miss new stories and new things going on...it gets harder when you have no new pictures to show, no new memories...that i don't like about the longer you walk down the road of you gone...ugh...that truly sucks.
so, i have to corral those thoughts...hold fast to the road i am currently on---wrapping my arms around the life here and not stay too long in the life back there. yet today, i pray...God, grace all of us who remember the dear memories of our bella sarah's life...and pick up each treasure and hold them softly...dearly, close to our heart...i am...and then hold me Lord as i hand each of these back to you so i can keep on.

see you soon girl....love you...here's a toast, a yugabanuch to you today--one of many to come when we gather later...

mom

just cuz i don't write doesn't mean i am missing...just pondering

here it is, just a week before what would have been sarah's 31st birthday. the ache is present in my heart as it always is....
have been asked to preach in dec. and to talk a bit about the birth of Jesus from Mary's perspective. so, alot in my mind about a woman who was chosen to bear the son of Man and to ponder so much all her life and then to continue walking out her life after He was gone--even if it all made sense then to her as she saw Him in his resurrected body.

i want to walk out the rest of my life with faith of knowing it is true. God, help me and others who share this common faith to walk this well, to know it is not all in vain and to have a brokenness in our hearts that lays us down...for the count.

God, come and touch all the one's I have met in this journey--even the women of late who have lost their older children, and are so sore at heart. It is such an honor to walk alongside each of them.

My inner thoughts are deep within me more of late, and don't seem to be stirred to the surface right now...not sure quite why...just is...harder for some reason, not sure what...to talk...to visit the sorrow...to go to the place...

i ponder much though...deep in my heart...deep in my heart.

2 years

this is the day---surrrounded by love, kindness, love...so many people who are missing you dear girl...lots of toasts and hugs...we just spent time together....am so blessed and grateful...so loved...and so touched.

thank you God. Thank you to all of you....


we miss you Sarah. 2 years.

a day in the life

With Hope - Steven Curtis Chapman
Source: www.youtube.com
For everyone who has experienced the death of a loved one, here is a song of comfort, reminding us of God's constant grace and the hope of the heaven that is to come. Music and Lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman Speechless, 1999, Sparrow

This speaks my dear heart today...

just spent the evening with my son in law, Christopher---and a dear time with tears and memories....just a gift from God to me today....

i want to have hope in heaven...this life is too hard sometimes...

my heart misses so.

we love our children with a love so wild and full and complete, never expecting them to leave first. it is what a parent does...just loves fully. and I am glad I did.

just miss my dear one, my dear girl today...

2 years now since I last held you close

Sleep isn't coming anymore tonight...yesterday was the last time I took a picture of you-the one above with Aunt Barb as we were finishing packing that night before we left today for our trip. I am thanking God you did come over one last time-inbetween classes (also to eat--you were always hungry!!) to say "goodbye" to us as we all left today, 2 years ago for the "trip of our life", hoping to meet you and Chris in Venice and in Rome. Only you guys missed that train to Venice by one minute. I won't go back down the road of what a minute means...

Here is a picture of you small--so full of light and smiles--and a dirty face from peanut butter and jelly probably...and the gym outfit I made for you...loved sewing for you.

I am looking out the window right now-at the calm waters of lake erie and a beautiful soft pink sunrise just starting to glow over the water. coffee is perking and smelling good...Harry (chocolate lab who loved you too) is shuffling, waiting to be fed and let out.

But in my heart right now swirl so many memories. Carefully I touch them, holding my tears in check.

Thinking back sometimes is too hard to do. So many people have said things to me of late---"how is the 2nd year?", "I hear the 2nd year is harder than the first." and on and on...questions asking me to share how it is...how I am...where it is on this path for me...kindness from others really...just them trying to find a way to touch into me in this journey.

I have more compassion for others on this road alongside of me these days---I want to say,
"thank you to you all. Thank you for your warmth and quietness and soft eyes at times I didn't even see. thank you for continuing to find me when I didn't know how far away I had gone. For reaching out-taking my hand, sitting still beside me, for letting me make hundreds of toasts to her and all the memories I could conjure up-one after another---trying to keep the warmth of life in me while I toasted---to keep going so the sadness and grief wouldn't press its' unwanted way back in--the reality of "no new memories" ever again. thank you for listening to me tell stories or even making me tell them at times I have been quiet."

I thank my family-my sister Marty and aunt Barb who journeyed with me 2 times during this past 2 years---and grieved so deeply themselves for their beloved niece who loved them both so much too. I thank my friends who have not often known what to say or do, but did everything they could think to do to help. For my pastor and his wife-who has been there through so much-married Chris and Sarah---sowed into them, believed in them, encouraged them...

For my dearest husband, who only got to meet Sarah and Chris one time, and is a gift truly from God to me...somehow I think Sarah was involved in both Christopher's and my future as we both have been blessed now with incredible people in our lives...this new land...new discoveries, new families, new journeys.

but, how is my heart...truly...

well, the truth...my heart aches. it aches as it beats, each beat feels the loss of my sweet child, my sweet friend, my sweet girl. i miss you so. i press on, i believe with faith that is compelling me to press on---and look with hope to heaven...where there is no more death, no more disease--mental or physical, no more enemy...no more.

i am tired sometimes--way too tired...and fight to stay here-to stay present and savoring the gifts here in my life, the fullness....trying hard not to stay too long in the darkness of tragedy or loss. to not lose hope, to not get hard, to not become bitter or full of self pity...to remember the joy of being able to have a child---and to have her for 28 wonderful years full of memories.

each of us has our trials...and struggles...and some of the best times for me anymore are the times spend quietly beside a friend. resting. quiet. loving. To embrace my new family---and savor their absolute beauty in my life today. To not miss them--miss making new memories...not to miss their presence in my life.

September 27th is not too far away. i appreciate prayers for all of us who will be remembering that day...for my dear son Christopher---mostly...for his healing and life. For his heart of watching his dear wife die before his eyes. for him to live well, healed and whole.

not as many words spilling from my fingers these last weeks and days...but they are in my mind...and always looking for a place to land.

a tender month

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=84138e76e13c5c50e12c

Can't seem to get this song on my blog at the moment and don't have time---but this is Steven Curtis's new song about his daughter who died. click on the link-or cut and paste.


can't wait for heaven.

no picture today

please pray today for gannetgirl and her family. today is the one year anniversary for the death of her son. you can visit her blog if you wish. today she posted a song that touched my heart so.

dearness....

walked the beach and the insides of our hearts yesterday---dear gannetgirl and me...

touched...listened, prayed.

i was humbled to hear her.

i felt heard....seen.

it is a treasure to have this now in my heart, this memory of a common place of mother's pain of loss. both of us have lost a dear child, it has forever changed our life. we are learning a language to speak that has words too hard to say yet---will it ever get easier with practice? i do not think so. the words are so dear...so tender...so full of ache.

she is forever part of my landscape now. as are many of you. these pages of blogging--sharing our journeys through this loss of child, whatever the age, the reason, no matter what....has drawn us together. i am rich because of you in ways i didn't know i could be rich. i am not alone....no matter how often i feel so alone in this deep sadness. mine is mine and yours is yours...but we can see and touch and know that we are not alone. and i then think...for me...that Jesus helped me find you...and you to find me...to help us....

this has been a very hard week for me, my sister, my aunt, my son-in law---as i heard from a couple who had been in the cinque terra the day sarah died...and the husband actually was one of the men who found and threw a life preserver to sarah--to try to save her...
they both wrote their rememberance of that day to us---i could hear their deep agony of trying to help, and she didn't survive....i got to tell them, that she didn't drown, but died of the massive head injury of hitting the fierce rocks....and i hope that brings healing to them....and their words have brought more to me to ponder on this walk. i hope it brings more to Christopher, my dear son in law, who tried so hard to help, almost dying himself...i hope it helps him...as i know the images run in his mind...seeing his dear wife die before his eyes...helpless....oh my....please comfort him and touch him in only the way you can Father....please....

what a journey this is...yesterday it has been 23 full months since that day. next month will be another year---year 2. gannetgirl asked---how was year 2? i have thought more on that since she left...seems like every day of 2 years, it has taken so much of deliberateness to keep breathing. i miss you sarah more than i can even say...life seems so completely not the life i had before. i truly am blessed with so much right now---so am so grateful for my husband, my family...my sweet friends....so please don't think i am grateful...i am....

i just am so profoundly missing my girl...the one i spent more time with...and loved...and cherished...my dear daughter and my best friend. she impacted me so much...and i miss her so. i was not ready to be without her. so is the 2nd year easier, harder...i guess, no answer...but it is a longer year...more silent, more keenly aware of you missing in the days...not as much anesthesia of grief---more acute pain with no numbness...more reality. more having to be intentional to walk, to smile...to make the life work...deliberateness...on purpose living...not as many times that people really ask---"so how are you doing?", not as many times to really grieve with someone else or cry...or at least it feels that way...probably more people would let us if we asked...just hard to ask, hard to know how to do it. it just is messy and not easy, and others miss you too Sarah...so want to help listen to them too.

writing is harder these last months for me...words seem to clog the end of my pens...build up, and no real flow---tried writing more in my personal journal and even that seems harder...so will keep writing here right now, going with the flow.

it is hard. i hate that it has been 2 years since i have a new picture of you, a new voice mail, a new memory. i hate that i don't remember how your voice sounded as well...that you feel far...and i can't find you. i don't like that life has gone on and everywhere i go, you are not part of it at all...you were often so involved in everything...and you are missing. sometimes when others are here....and everyone is talking....i look up on the wall at your picture and you are smiling, but quiet...no sounds...no sarahvoice in the midst...and i have to leave the room...and cry....just seems so odd to have you silent and only there in a painting on the wall....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

this is a road i have traveled a long time on...and know how far to walk down before i can feel the deep pain of it...and don't want to keep going as it leads away from my heart into endless pain...and i am learning more and more....that i can't do it...it takes me out...so, now to turn around again...and come back to today...and press into all i believe of the hope of heaven. i know my relationship with you will never be the same...that it will be more than i can ever imagine and will be good. probably better than good---ha! i sense your presence more in deep peace in my heart this year...a deep peace of a "knowing" that you are good. i long for heaven...for home. i long to not hurt like this and not to hurt again....but life is life and i have no control over it....
so God, I give this all to you today...where i am...where this all is...and again release to you my heart of deep sorrow for this loss....I give you my dear friends and ask you to comfort them as only you do....touch them today too. Help us Lord...to walk this well...and please hold our breaking hearts and catch our hot tears....

just walking

i think i am in italy today, walking in the most beautiful land, with the dearest of people. it now has been over a year since i visited.

i often fly in my mind over there and take the trains from Milano down to the Cinque Terra and get off in Riamaggiore and then walk the walkway through the tunnel of the sea and then climb the stairs and walk through the "walk of love", looking at the chalk art...slowly moving my fingers through the lockets-looking for the american touristor locket...and then moving on....

up the stairway, looking at the seagull mozaic and then down the stairway to the manarola harbor...looking upwards toward Pont Bonfiglio...

why is this land so far from here..so hard to get to...makes the grief on days like today feel like the trip there---so impossible.

oh my....swirls and twirls of brain cells...some that have not been recovered...and my mind has slipped off the block. can't recall as much, and sometimes, don't even remember recent things clearly. almost 2 years---just a month away...

wrecked...my heart feels wrecked...recovered in some ways---full of passion and love...

feels like an old 78 record, skipping around, sometimes playing the song for good long time...and then...skips...and misses the beats...my song gets wrecked too...but the wail...is still long and deep...if you are listening.

heavy in my heart

This journey is sure long. miss you Sarah. I am having a grief time again--and not sure what is the center, nor when i get into it, not sure where I walked in and where i will walk out. seems like there are pockets of deep grief we get into---like falling into a blog.

i have a friend who was in Ireland a few years ago, and he was hiking and was off the path and all of a sudden, he went over his head into a blog and didn't have a clue how he would get out--if ever.

that is what times like this feel like...and it is so overwhelming. you wonder if you have made it down the road at all. and then if you do say something---people then worry and want to do something...but there is not a thing anyone can do--but pray for this place.

i ache...and have been....is it the full moon...the passing of another wedding anniversary with you not here, your house empty---so much moving further into the distance...you not part of a day, or even any recent days...

oh my....

no maps, no landmarks...a solo journey---each of us takes when we lose what is most dear...quietness in my heart...no words to tell others...i feel their grief too for you---and touch their words on the screen, or where ever they come with my small hand and lift them to God...probably like they do for me too...

wow...we are sure made of clay....

leaning into and on you God...fully today.

want to walk to cinque terra today and spend a long time.....miss you.

pondering

I think life is perplexing to me. I have been pondering the fullness of loss as Karen's friend loses her 2nd and last child, after losing her other child 10 years ago. it is too much for me to try to understand. it is the greatest fear of a parent-to lose their children before them---and to lose all you have-even for me, my one and only...it causes you to ponder~as well as many other things...but today, i am pondering.

these days can take you out and that is a "not good place to be".

in this new land of "losing your child", i have met many people who are trying to find their new sea legs to walk.

i was telling Rick the other day-after I did the women's conference in Washington, Pa., where i told my life story as i shared about the weavings of joy and sorrow in our tapestry that represents our life---that the women at the conference who had lost children, they hugged me in a different way then the ones who hadn't lost a child...maybe i have just begun to think it feels differently to me...maybe they hug alittle longer, maybe hug a little more like---"my heart is broken too"

----maybe i am just thinking it so...i can do that sometimes...think more into something than is there...

but to meet others who have lost more than one, or lost one that you were in conflict with and hadn't resolved the difficulty, or lost due to suicide or overdose or something else like that---is just harder than the alphabet has letters to help explain. i am at a loss for words for any of this, but it becomes life to us...a new land, a land we never bought a ticket to visit.

i never in a million years thought this land would be one i would be exploring---i am an adventurer...i love to explore and find and seek and see and learn and understand...but never in a million years would i think i would explore this land...

it has been almost 2 years now---2 long and quiet years without her voice and her influence in mine. i have met people and have a new family and new children...and still have an unsteadiness in my step...a limp maybe only really noticeable to me at times...but it is there. i want to keep my arms open for all the wonders and new and joys this new land brings...i am trying hard...some days it is too hard....

wish i could find words to say what is in my heart...the words of deep colors and heavy that are still there, swirling around, longing to have understanding and freedom to be loose from my heart.

ache...it is always there...i am more accustomed to the feeling of it now, can live a whole day or two and not truly lean into it...and then...if i do lean into it...is still sore like it has always been...so take care to lean when can and have the ability to process and then wrap it back up into the fragile place it lives...

i ache today for Karen's friend who walks this journey again...and for my new friend Karen someone whom i have never met except for our blogs, but this woman has now hugged a woman in italy who has touched me and my family like no other...our dear paula...and also Karen has walked and seen where sarah died...how dear is that to me...more than any words i can find. brings tears to my eyes and a closeness that no words could say---she took time to touch a place that touches me...thank you Karen...more than you will ever know.

so, to end this post is like saying i have said it all--and that is a lie...i have so many words and questions and feelings...but they must keep swirling for now---i sometimes question the place of what sanity is when i say my heart thoughts as they look so raw and real when i type the words of my thoughts here.

so, today is a day of pondering, a day of being careful to walk~ not too close and then to go too far~ but to stay in prayer for the one's who hurt fresh today and to pray for those of us who have a grief of loss that is fresh in its' long journey...

To Cameroon, Africa and back

Here we are, on the trip that has taken me almost 40 years to get to do. Since I was 16, I have wanted to go to Africa-only to see the hopes get crushed a few times. The day we were to leave--June 18th, we got to the airport and found out that we still may not get to go as our plane was delayed by 2 hours and that would throw off the whole flights to Yaounde. The next flight there would not be able to be done till the following Tuesday, which would be one half way through the Health, Hygiene and Sanitation seminar we were doing with Carol and Mike Nowlin from Thirst Relief International. I was crushed, hopes gone...and then Rick asked what it would take to go through Douola Africa--which was 120+ miles from Yaounde. They could do that--so off we went. Of course this changed all things for Peter-our host...and Carol and Mike were still flying into Yaounde. Needless to say, we finally all met up and had an incredible journey...full of wonder, stresses physically as the roads were in bad shape for much of our journey as we were often far from any cities. We traveled alot-got to see many things we have never seen before, met people who were just beautiful inside and out.

I traveled with Sarah's ashes--as she also always wanted to go--so took a small amount with some sand from our beach. Often I felt her presence...somehow laughing and delighted that her mom was there---on her first wedding anniversary with the most wonderful husband...and then also on her mom's 57th birthday---almost as a gift...a treasure...

Always I was looking to see where to leave her ashes, and near the end of our trip, after all the workshops were done and we ended up in Limbe on the coast, the other side of the Altantic---was this spot. A set of stairs that led to the beach, a beach made up of volcanic rock and black sand---from Mt. Cameroon---which had erupted in the 90s the last time and sent ash and lava to the ocean. It was here we found these stairs that looked so like Manorola. As we climbed down the difficult and steep stairs, I felt your strong presence...Sarah and my dear Heavenly Father...

we were so quiet...Carol and Mike joined us...we just waited for the perfect wave...and released the sand and part of you...just then, a beautiful white crane with a black neck, flew solo right past us the full length of the beach....and Rick and I looked at each other and smiled through tears.

Who knows whether this is true or we make it true, it blessed both of our hearts and touched Mike and Carol...who never knew you.

I miss you...I am glad to have had you for the years we had. Such memories my sweet girl. We carried both of your packs on our back too throughout this trip and felt close too.

We are now in a new time, a new season. Christopher and Tiffany are now married and are beginning their journey. It is a new land. We will live well, we will remember you and also Rick's wife, Shyrl. We are all blessed to be living~not small but full. Embracing each day, each other...with fullness and joy. You, who have gone on now---have taught us so much and we will embrace the memories, yet live fully present.

love you...my sweet girl.

held close

love this picture, have used it before...somehow...I feel you next to me when I see it...and remember.

loved holding you...such a treasure to hold your child. i watch other mom's doing it now and want to say---do it for real...hold gently yet, intentionally...they aren't yours, just for a season...and you are given the privilege to have them for now.

i always had that in my heart...that you were not mine, just given as a gift to me to cherish and to raise...somehow, God let me know that from the very beginning, when I didn't even think I would carry you inside till birth...just a privilege.

blessed----I was blessed and am blessed with so much...so many memories.

today will probably be the last time I officially "move you". I was thinking of all the times I have moved you in my life this morning as I laid in bed...to different houses, to college and home each year...to mom's to live--to fairport and then to our house and then to your house with Christopher to get married...and now...we are moving the last of your stuff to their new homes...

i really think I can't understand this life. i don't know if i have the capacity to wrap my mind and heart around it...so will let it be today..and keep walking this out. slowly, gently, tenderly...remembering this is the land i have been given to walk...and God...you are close and will help. my heart knows deeply the sorrow of this land like no other can know. there are many moments of no words to speak...and that is just the way it is....and God, you know me...and search my heart and help. you are close to the broken and heal.

i am grateful...

life continues

I cheated---Karen challenged us in her blog that I visited to pick the 4th folder and the 4th picture---and I picked the 5th photo....the 4th only had Harry in it alone laying on the floor and the 5th had Sarah too---she was running in with school work to have a snack on the way to school. Only stayed long enough to say---"Mom, you only have condiments in your frig!!!" She was a hoot at times...would run by just to hug and eat. miss those times...

ah, living in today. i have had a few hard weeks. Today I am purposefully going to be in today---not in the sore past, nor in the fearful future of losing another. both of those places rob me of today.

i have been working overtime on my sorrow and i am tired. changes nothing...and hurts. so, just for today---i will....embrace the fresh wind and glorious blue sky, the brilliant sun shining on my face. i will enjoy the sound of Harry---my dear chocolate lab...snoring at my feet. i will savor the sound of Rick's quiet laugh as he reads his email on our WE day together. I will sip the mocha coffee next to me and enjoy the strong flavor of the good mix of beans.

i will look forward to visiting cameroon Africa next month...just 30 days from now---God willing to go...after wanting to go for the last 40 years of my life...and embrace this new journey I am on.

i will lift my hands to heaven and rejoice with the Father....for the wonderful life i have had...and the sweetness of memories...and leave my heart open to new ones to come.

grateful to all who have been praying and walking alongside of my sore mother's heart....thankyou... sometimes it is too much to bear...and today, i will leave it resting in my Father's strong hands...and keep the hope of heaven in mine.

mother's day year 2

year 2 of sarah gone on mother's day.

the days leading up to this day have been hard--hard to try to understand this long journey that i am on...

to lose your only child is like trying to learn a language that is not hardly ever spoken. i know no other personally that i can speak with in this language. i can speak with others who have lost a child, but none that have lost their only child. i know there are many who have, i just have not met one yet. the one's who have lost a child look at me with eyes of extreme somethingorother in their eyes---that i can't quite understand either...

i want to walk this journey well and see the other side of what lays beyond--and know that it was more than i could imagine. yet there are days on this side of the veil that tax my resources to the utter limits. i do know those feelings do pass...and my footing which feels like it will never stand when i have fallen...will come back.

it is in those dark and extreme places that words are beginning to fail me more and more. i write more now in my journal than before and less here...yet that doesn't mean the journey is less hard.

i fear sometimes of what my extreme words would say to someone reading these words. grief is just like the final print--the story has been printed and allows no corrections that can be done--it is what it is...no way to rewrite it, edit it, alter it...nothing to do be hold the letters and words in your hands and try to comprehend the weight of what they all mean.

i have learned more about secondary grief...the grief that brings new presents to an unsuspecting day--and moment--to bring a fresh wave of unexpected pain and sorrow...and again...your footing slips.

my dear sarah. how i have missed you these last few years. your spontaneous joy and laughter and unique comments on anything and everything....just are missed. not just by me, but by so many. your spot in this world is unfilled. never to be filled. doesn't mean i don't and others don't embrace and love and appreciate the one's around us. i don't ever want to do that---miss what is present and so beautiful in my life. just means that you were just you. i am glad to have savored every part every day---just glad i did.

the sting in my heart is still there. the ache that never leaves but joins each heart beat...sometimes less, sometimes more.

change.

so much has changed.

so many things of yours that have slipped into places in our homes and our lives...people who don't know they are your things that you made or loved will never know---just see them as belonging where they have been placed. i even have things from others who have gone on...that mix in the spaces of my home...

we do that---we take precious items from others and have them in our homes...and in special places that warm our hearts when we see them.

i wish i were more able to comprehend things i think about, make more sense of them...i sometimes ponder way too deep about all this stuff and it is like being on a merry go round till you are dizzy...and then need to get up and walk away till you stop spinning... that is what it is like some days.

i did find a card you were going to give to me in the midst of your card collection for mother's day and will place it in my journal for today. thanks sarah...for buying it and placing it there...you never knew it would touch me in the dearest way when you were no longer here. we never know what our acts will do...makes me try to live much more intentionally....with purpose and joy. trusting in the impulse to do.

everytime i visit here..it is sacred to me. like my fingers type away and my heart pours into them the words i feel.

i am grateful to have been a mom, i know many who have not been given the gift of bearing a child...and am thankful for the privilege of having her for the 28+ years. a gift. a treasure. a joy. help me my God to let that water my soul today. to rest in that. to stay there. to embrace the memories left.

i love my new ones you have also placed in my life--my new kids through rick...just are the best presents given to me. each of them is like a precious jewel that i haven't discovered the true value of yet, but will not miss exploring in the days to come. sarah would have loved knowing them and enjoying them. help me to stay present to the moment and sip the fresh glass of life you have placed before me---to not look back and live in what was...but to stay present. i will never forget, but do not want to miss today either. what a workout somedays. i need you to help me to walk this new life out well.

the day is ahead of me....things to do, write, read...quietness in my heart today. a still place to be. gentle waves today flow over my heart and mind....not the storm tossed thoughts. i need the day to be still and quieter...the days of late held too many of the other. help me to continue to heal my heart, my thoughts. help me understand that which will never make any sense, but needs to be able to have some way to accept and live.

tragedy. a word that in itself tears wide open the heart of whomever it is sent to. i have heard more tragedies in the last few years and know that the word itself is made up of shards of glass, unable to be grasped and held. i pray for all those today who are walking through a tragedy...a time of things wrecked and torn apart....please come. please touch those hearts today---please bring oil to heal. please Father.

rainy day...

rainy day-lots of quietness in my heart

lots of missing you. grief is quietness sometimes with no words and wild with many words at other times...tears and then no tears.

have had tears lately---soft falling off my face, loud unspoken wails in my heart...echoing against the walls...

long time since I touched your fingers---studying the way your fingers were like mine...your nails always so well kept.

you always cracked your knuckles and I would warn you that you would be sorry for how your hands would look and i was wrong...they looked so fine, so soft and so lovely...and they were so kind and so loving. you had a soft touch. i miss it. i miss how we would hold hands always when we drove together on trips....just did...always.

well, just a few words...seem they are all inside, just have a harder time writing them here lately...but they are there.

such a long, long way home...

i have completed the room...at least the things i took...there are a few things left for christopher to work with---all her art---needs to be photographed so others can make prints if they would like.

i ponder so much, so many thoughts run through my small mind...and i keep walking into the unknown...toward you Father.

it is quiet in my head. quiet and sore in my heart. i hurt. i ache. i miss.

i don't say much anymore...the words bring no different ending. no new release, no new out. no new freedom from missing.

i don't hide, i don't avoid. it just isn't the center of talking much anymore...

not that i would want it to be...but now, 18 months into this journey---it just is a long long way home. i long for heaven sometimes....just stretch myself toward the homeland.

i sometimes get lost in thought about seeing you---Father...wow. seeing your Son...wow....seeing the others...already there....just mystifies me...is more than i can ponder for too long...get so lost in the thoughts of it.

but, here we are...coming up on easter again. i am glad for this season...so refreshing of what i totally believe. i know many others don't, but i do...and i do deeply, more deeply than ever before. don't want to debate it anymore either...so guess it is settled, and maybe thought of as narrowminded. i really don't try to tell others their answers...but if they ask how and why i believe, i am more than able and full of passion to share...and just tell my story and how i can see no other path but one. just one...and that one is Jesus. so....that is that.

but...as far as this journey of moving forward and on---i have much to sort through...much to touch and feel...and savor...and remember...it isn't enough, but it is sweet.

sweet, sweet sarah c. sweet girl...my girl. miss you so...right now, the tears wash my eyes, so can't see as well what i am writing...not too painful, just the sweet tears of your mom...your mom who misses and loves you so. what a girl, what a wild child...full of life, love and passion...so full.

thanks sarah--thanks for it all.

Sweet girl, sweet memories

I have now been to Sarah's room 3 times and most of the stuff is now in my garage. At least it is moved...and now to begin to go through it a bit at a time. Feels less like a place that I dread to go now. Life has moved on even if I feel like I have moved slowly in this area.

Grief is hard at times---crippling, debilitating, sufficating, like you have no arms or legs and can't move out of it.

Then other times, it feels like there is movement and softness and comfort like no other.

Then other times, it feels like so much has changed that you can't even remember the sounds of her voice...nor the other voices of the ones gone on.

I am so mixed up on those days...is better to be quiet and slow to move.

Just this week, another friend lost her 14 month old daughter---same name....Sarah. my Sarah knew the mom---and they had talked some before Sarah died and were going to be on a Koinonia weekend together, but the mom was almost ready to deliver...her Sarah...so didn't do it. Sarah-my sarah, never made it to the weekend either as she had died shortly before. This new mom said to me...."your Sarah is with my Sarah." quietness in my soul...pondering that...

such a profound thought....our Sarah's together...however that is in heaven...wow God....somehow my mind just is unable to picture that. yet there is comfort. Sweet mercy...sweet mercy.

this picture is of Sarah's room before I started, messy, but the last of the view. art, neil, cards, always projects waiting to start...such a girl.

one time done

have done one time now in your room to begin to take things apart.

it feels like you God, are somehow showing me the map of how to do this.

sarah, here you are in front of a map in paris--or spain...maybe you are with christopher and he is taking this picture. it was a month before i met you in paris-for that full, wonderful week we had together before you came home.

the map for this new journey i am on now is hidden in the center of God's strong hand. he is leading ever so gently to me and christopher and all of us who love you. the journey in grief is a road with no signs, no familiar gas stations or sites you have been to before, so it takes a long time...sometimes even tracing your steps as you get locked in a repeating circle of something you can't or haven't let go of yet. i am trying to not do that too much as it totally wipes me out...so i would rather sit and ponder and stay in a place till i am ready to move on. each of us have our pace.

what got me was that somehow it made it to 18 months before i could move one thing in your room. maybe if i lived there, i could have done it sooner or differently, but this was what it was for me. i am blessed with a son in law who gives me my total time space...with no rush, no words, just walking quietly beside this mom and holding her hand...gently. he is so dear. sarah-you would be so proud. he understands and learned so much from all this. he is dear to me.

so, now it is started...and somehow for me, it is ok. i found a treasure in there---your christmas list for 07 and then found 3 things you had gotten for me...tucked away in the closet---3 pair of colored ankle socks, a mother and daughter book and some "mom" magnets....all from marshalls--Ha!!! we loved shopping there. touched me so....will love the book....

so much to still do, but will continue....it is time for me to do this.

am talking today again about you with some people who attend a journaling class with the woman who wrote about the one year update for us this last September-she was from the plain dealer. you touch so many people still. sarah.

help me talk well and tell your story well. i love talking about you...always have. wish i had some new stories to tell...miss seeing new things....just holding the old...is hard to hear people tell me new things that they are doing with their kids...but that is life, i guess...it moves on...and you are gone.

we never know how long we have, so i am glad i savored the glass of life i had with you---boy it was good. well, have to go and get ready now....

love you girl...

late again. i'm not sleeping...

we had a great night-the last birthday we got to celebrate together of yours. was thinking about it--and laughed...you almost threw me into the table of older women when we tried to polka...of course we had been sipping that wine...just never knew it would be the last one.

i am up and it is late. just have nights that memories run through my mind and just smile. then my heart aches...just would love to talk to you. not too often, but often enough--i go to reach for the phone to call. then...stop. miss the casualness of what we had-wasn't hard to live life with you. i had such a good time being your mom. you were fun. you were great.

so, here i am, writing again cuz i just can't sleep. i miss you. hard to see life going on without you. hard to do this...somedays i don't know if i can. i am doing the best i can...and sometimes i don't know if i can ever take the training wheels off my heart. just didn't think i would have to do this. it is your worst fear---losing your child...then you were my only one...and that is something that would lear in the background of all the days...not close, but present fear...

now it is not a fear, just true.

heaven seems so far away today...and to hear your voice...would be nice. so many have dreamed about you and you were brilliant in light and joy--and you had such encouraging and promising words for them. i have not had any of these dreams...and wonder if i will...

i find my faith has been to lean on my Father...to lay on his hand and trust this is all true--this everlasting life faith...to know i will see you again..to just throw all of it on Him and trust. so many don't believe any of this, or some of this today---

that just makes me sad---what is their hope?

i feel restless tonight God. i have too many tears after crying so long and often...seems like too many left...

the comfort of the tears comes, but the emptyness never leaves. the loneliness is so huge...don't think it is describable. the loss is more than i can bear. i can't linger there too long---need to walk back to what is...the present...and hold fast to the new. my fingers wander the keyboard to type things that would be hard to read, and then hit delete...but the words still fill my fingers and the fight goes on...my, oh, my...this is a fight...grief work is a wrestling match. no simple words or formula. no well trod path that is well lit, no final answer that sums it up. for the ones who have traveled this path---these words ring true...for those who haven't---they just don't know...and never want to know.

i am rambling, still have lots of words in my fingers, but not making much sense...just writing and typing and it at least feels good to do that...even if not one bit of sense is made, it helps. some nights are like that....just no sense, no rest...thinkingoftheroomandwhatneedstobedone.

i need to move on this...and will.

miss you girl...miss you.

a night of words that can't find air

doing grief work tonight and knowing that i need to get sarah's room done. i have put it off, moved it further ahead...it is my room to do and seems too final and so i don't do it. if i lived there, i would open the door tonight and begin...so since i don't, i will begin to prepare my heart to do it. it is time. i know it will be very difficult. it is the room of her heart and love of life. it is the best of what she and i shared--our love of unusual things, art, pens, cards, and things. she just was so alive in this room. we had such fun there and dreamed so much when we spent time there. just is hard. i wish it were something i could tuck into my heart and leave with it and store it somewhere safe---and visit there when i wanted...but know that isn't good to do. it is full of dust and lifelessness....and makes me so sad....

i miss her so. talked alot about you today at our group at church. i can talk and all---and then hours later, find that my heart is aching like a broken tooth that doesn't stop...a heart that has been disturbed and needs reset.

i wish i had words to speak about this that had sentences attached, so when rick says, "what is wrong, honey", i could speak and make sense and not have tears fall...talk like it wasn't about to crush me like that same wave that crushed my girl. seems like that will happen...overwhelmed, drowned....in the depth of it. don't have as many times that get this hard now.

got back up and hoped that typing would calm me, help me. soothe my heart, Father...hold me...help me.

it is time...have known it, have said it...then the time slips away...or do i let it, then avoid it...probably both.

so, i need to make a plan and do it...and then, when it is done...then what....ugh..that is what stops me i think part of the time---then...there will be no places that feel like her still. i don't want to be one of those people who leave a room undisturbed...i worry about people like that, and yet...now i know something more about them...how hard it is...

my heart hurts....i miss you...i have so much of living around me...sometimes even that messes with my mind...and there is this confusion that comes then. i let people read my thoughts and blog and then find myself editting myself because it is raw and then people don't know what to say or do...and there is nothing they can say or do---truly, this is my journey. you have your own......and so, i don't want to do that-stop writing, stop feeling my thoughts onto this blog...and writing and scraping the insides out so they are out and not still in. you who read--need to do your own work, your own blogging...your own finding your answers to these questions and thoughts that disturb you. don't worry for me---God has me, i will be fine...

wonder what fine means. talked to a woman today whose 32 year old son dropped dead of a heart attack and now she fears her other son will somehow die too--and i can see the fear in her eyes...that fear of how you can't stop anything from happening---and you are not in control...and your fear and worry will not do one thing to stop anything....yet will rob you of peace and joy and life. i will not let that happen, yet---feeling this stuff that comes out of nowhere, without invitation---and interrupts good days---this thing called grief...and sorrow...well, when it comes, you find that it is still not a friend nor been welcomed. i don't want to not do this thing called grief work---and yet, i do not want to deny nor repress nor all the other things we do when something awful happens---i want to cry and moan and rest and reflect and blog and journal and talk and listen and stop and go and live and breathe...and remember...and miss...and be sad...and hope someday...that i will not be so hit broadside by things...

you just are never prepared for the very unexpected thing that will bring you right to tears...and sorrow--just the simplest thing, the smallest and softest thing...a song, a way a mother holds her daughter's head, or brushes the hair from her face, or a daughter slips her arm around her mom's waist...and neither even really notice how dear and special that moment is...because...they still have one another...

help my eyes not linger and long for what is gone...and to relinguish this to you my father...

i want to remember with full joy--the wonderful life i did have with sarah. i want to savor the many things we did together. we lived. we lived well. we loved well---and i have no regrets...just wanted more. i don't get more. i get different--and i want to enjoy and savor the new wonders you have placed into my dear small hands. sometimes i think i am not up to this new adventure...maybe you think i can do it and i tell you i don't think i can.

i have 2 arms...and they love to hold and hug and will. i am blessed...and get to participate...

ok, back to the room. it is time. chris has been kind to let me pick the time. it is time...help me make a plan, help me to be brave and go. soon.

ok, the heart is beating

last night we had grief group #2...and it was good....

but all night now, my heart has ached...beating, but aching.

when you talk about the losses in your life---"life losses"...it becomes very apparent quickly that we are walking a journey of change and loss...gain and loss...

and to hear all the stories of other's pains and losses...well...it just makes me plain and simple....very sad...and mad and sad...

my heart ached last night for the hollowness i saw in people's eyes as they describe their loss and pain..and even as i heard my own voice share...

and it will not stop in this life...the losses we feel or experience. that makes me want to puke. it is real work to be optimistic about anything...for you never know for whom the bell will toll....

and in this area of grief, i am ok with dying myself...whenever...but hate to think about the sorrow left for others when you go.

but...my sorrow...is still very present. my heart is beating today and the words fall like marbles from my hand...

i can remember when my hand held color and joy...and sometimes even now---good colors come and i hold them tight...and try to not be afraid of losing them too. what a workout life is...and i don't remember joining this gym...at least, who would on purpose join something that would cause sorrow.

i do think that Jesus was sure glad to face and defeat death...it compelled Him as he lived. i am glad He did it..and often think about His dad--and how hard that must have been, even though He knew...but death is done...what an odd thing though...cuz we will not know till after we physically die about the resurrection and all. unless He is coming back...before we go.

anyway...i need to write and just write, not figure it out...cuz i get lost in the darkness and hardness of sarah's loss...i miss her so. i fight to live and be present, enjoy and savor...embrace and hold close...and then i can so quickly lose it all and dive into the deepest part of the sea and get so lost in it all in a quick second.

i have a sermon to finish today---about your unchangingness God--i need your help...to talk about the faith to walk without seeing...and to know this by faith...to help point to you to others who have been shipwrecked and lost hope...

you will come, you will help. i do trust you. HELD. i do feel HELD.

winter and cold

this is the view outside my door...it is cold, winter...should be sleeping and hybernating i think....
seems like letters that form words that help me to write--here and in my journal are frozen to my heart.
am doing ok---moving more, working out, eating better...just not writing. will preach this weekend, so have been reading alot...is from malachi 3---the God who doesn't change...

i know you don't change...i do trust you. just wish sometimes we could see beyond the veil so i would run with joy that would be so free and full of happiness and excitement for what is ahead.

need to grease my wheels and write...i do better when i am writing...at least i feel better. need to ponder, defrost....let go of the chill of my heart. i have some things to do soon--need to clean out sarah's art room and attic at her house...and need to write about that...it is heavy on my heart. need to write so i can go do it....seems so final and necessary...and yet...too final...the last of her things she set in a certain way...yet covered in dust. chris has given me all the time i need to do this...and that is so kind....it is the part of her i shared the most...the center of our hearts where we connected...so Father...come and defrost my heart...help me write...help me to do this thing i dread...
sure miss her...is too long since i heard her voice, her laugh...felt her hand around my waist...felt her warm and hearty hug...enjoyed the moments of spontaneity and joy....planned things to do...

new season...new life, new names all around me...new challenges and new loves and joys...not that i don't love these new things...just didn't think it was time to let go of the old...and wasn't asked. that makes it hard when we aren't asked...and loss is like that...what would we ever part with if we got to say....

sarah used to love playing the "would you like to die like _____ or like _____, mom"....she would pick the worst ways you could die...and laugh and laugh cuz i would say..."those are terrible ways to die...why do you like this game???" somehow she was always talking about dying...and now she did...

it is hard now...cuz as i write, my heart is defrosting and my solid tears feel warm on my cheeks...need to write more, need to keep grieving and feeling this...

i do feel better on today. there are still moments that totally catch me off guard and i still totally fall apart...is harder today as you don't know what will trip the switch...a simple thing you may witness--a mom and daughter hugging in your view....that is the hardest still....
my empty arms for my girl...so glad we hugged so much...never missed one...always savored each one...glad to have them. can sometimes feel her close. looking forward to heaven...feeling them again...

is this worth it...to feel the warmth come back...to feel a beating heart that grieves..and feels and hurts....sometimes i really wonder...