ok, the heart is beating

last night we had grief group #2...and it was good....

but all night now, my heart has ached...beating, but aching.

when you talk about the losses in your life---"life losses"...it becomes very apparent quickly that we are walking a journey of change and loss...gain and loss...

and to hear all the stories of other's pains and losses...well...it just makes me plain and simple....very sad...and mad and sad...

my heart ached last night for the hollowness i saw in people's eyes as they describe their loss and pain..and even as i heard my own voice share...

and it will not stop in this life...the losses we feel or experience. that makes me want to puke. it is real work to be optimistic about anything...for you never know for whom the bell will toll....

and in this area of grief, i am ok with dying myself...whenever...but hate to think about the sorrow left for others when you go.

but...my sorrow...is still very present. my heart is beating today and the words fall like marbles from my hand...

i can remember when my hand held color and joy...and sometimes even now---good colors come and i hold them tight...and try to not be afraid of losing them too. what a workout life is...and i don't remember joining this gym...at least, who would on purpose join something that would cause sorrow.

i do think that Jesus was sure glad to face and defeat death...it compelled Him as he lived. i am glad He did it..and often think about His dad--and how hard that must have been, even though He knew...but death is done...what an odd thing though...cuz we will not know till after we physically die about the resurrection and all. unless He is coming back...before we go.

anyway...i need to write and just write, not figure it out...cuz i get lost in the darkness and hardness of sarah's loss...i miss her so. i fight to live and be present, enjoy and savor...embrace and hold close...and then i can so quickly lose it all and dive into the deepest part of the sea and get so lost in it all in a quick second.

i have a sermon to finish today---about your unchangingness God--i need your help...to talk about the faith to walk without seeing...and to know this by faith...to help point to you to others who have been shipwrecked and lost hope...

you will come, you will help. i do trust you. HELD. i do feel HELD.

winter and cold

this is the view outside my door...it is cold, winter...should be sleeping and hybernating i think....
seems like letters that form words that help me to write--here and in my journal are frozen to my heart.
am doing ok---moving more, working out, eating better...just not writing. will preach this weekend, so have been reading alot...is from malachi 3---the God who doesn't change...

i know you don't change...i do trust you. just wish sometimes we could see beyond the veil so i would run with joy that would be so free and full of happiness and excitement for what is ahead.

need to grease my wheels and write...i do better when i am writing...at least i feel better. need to ponder, defrost....let go of the chill of my heart. i have some things to do soon--need to clean out sarah's art room and attic at her house...and need to write about that...it is heavy on my heart. need to write so i can go do it....seems so final and necessary...and yet...too final...the last of her things she set in a certain way...yet covered in dust. chris has given me all the time i need to do this...and that is so kind....it is the part of her i shared the most...the center of our hearts where we connected...so Father...come and defrost my heart...help me write...help me to do this thing i dread...
sure miss her...is too long since i heard her voice, her laugh...felt her hand around my waist...felt her warm and hearty hug...enjoyed the moments of spontaneity and joy....planned things to do...

new season...new life, new names all around me...new challenges and new loves and joys...not that i don't love these new things...just didn't think it was time to let go of the old...and wasn't asked. that makes it hard when we aren't asked...and loss is like that...what would we ever part with if we got to say....

sarah used to love playing the "would you like to die like _____ or like _____, mom"....she would pick the worst ways you could die...and laugh and laugh cuz i would say..."those are terrible ways to die...why do you like this game???" somehow she was always talking about dying...and now she did...

it is hard now...cuz as i write, my heart is defrosting and my solid tears feel warm on my cheeks...need to write more, need to keep grieving and feeling this...

i do feel better on today. there are still moments that totally catch me off guard and i still totally fall apart...is harder today as you don't know what will trip the switch...a simple thing you may witness--a mom and daughter hugging in your view....that is the hardest still....
my empty arms for my girl...so glad we hugged so much...never missed one...always savored each one...glad to have them. can sometimes feel her close. looking forward to heaven...feeling them again...

is this worth it...to feel the warmth come back...to feel a beating heart that grieves..and feels and hurts....sometimes i really wonder...

what to do with the anger?

I am pretty angry lately and know it has probably alot to do with you being gone-too soon. I find myself mad at alot of people and situations--more than I would normally be. I write alot---not so much here as I know others are reading and it is too raw sometimes for even the air to hold the words that come out.

The tears I cry even sting more---different tears than the sad ones. I have found that sad is easier than mad. Mad feels like it will tumble the day, my heart, the ones around me. Could just get an ax and chop down a forest and maybe that would help...at least all the emotions swirling inside would have an outlet that would not harm anyone---just the trees, and I love trees...so am working hard on traveling this road...

I dreamt about you the other night---no words spoken, you were just sitting behind me with your arms around me and we just were so close...I felt you---like we had done so many times before. Made me cry.

You had such an impact on my life on a minute by minute basis the full 28 years of your life. How lucky I was...and still am.

Miss you....