late again. i'm not sleeping...

we had a great night-the last birthday we got to celebrate together of yours. was thinking about it--and laughed...you almost threw me into the table of older women when we tried to polka...of course we had been sipping that wine...just never knew it would be the last one.

i am up and it is late. just have nights that memories run through my mind and just smile. then my heart aches...just would love to talk to you. not too often, but often enough--i go to reach for the phone to call. then...stop. miss the casualness of what we had-wasn't hard to live life with you. i had such a good time being your mom. you were fun. you were great.

so, here i am, writing again cuz i just can't sleep. i miss you. hard to see life going on without you. hard to do this...somedays i don't know if i can. i am doing the best i can...and sometimes i don't know if i can ever take the training wheels off my heart. just didn't think i would have to do this. it is your worst fear---losing your child...then you were my only one...and that is something that would lear in the background of all the days...not close, but present fear...

now it is not a fear, just true.

heaven seems so far away today...and to hear your voice...would be nice. so many have dreamed about you and you were brilliant in light and joy--and you had such encouraging and promising words for them. i have not had any of these dreams...and wonder if i will...

i find my faith has been to lean on my Father...to lay on his hand and trust this is all true--this everlasting life faith...to know i will see you again..to just throw all of it on Him and trust. so many don't believe any of this, or some of this today---

that just makes me sad---what is their hope?

i feel restless tonight God. i have too many tears after crying so long and often...seems like too many left...

the comfort of the tears comes, but the emptyness never leaves. the loneliness is so huge...don't think it is describable. the loss is more than i can bear. i can't linger there too long---need to walk back to what is...the present...and hold fast to the new. my fingers wander the keyboard to type things that would be hard to read, and then hit delete...but the words still fill my fingers and the fight goes on...my, oh, my...this is a fight...grief work is a wrestling match. no simple words or formula. no well trod path that is well lit, no final answer that sums it up. for the ones who have traveled this path---these words ring true...for those who haven't---they just don't know...and never want to know.

i am rambling, still have lots of words in my fingers, but not making much sense...just writing and typing and it at least feels good to do that...even if not one bit of sense is made, it helps. some nights are like that....just no sense, no rest...thinkingoftheroomandwhatneedstobedone.

i need to move on this...and will.

miss you girl...miss you.

a night of words that can't find air

doing grief work tonight and knowing that i need to get sarah's room done. i have put it off, moved it further ahead...it is my room to do and seems too final and so i don't do it. if i lived there, i would open the door tonight and begin...so since i don't, i will begin to prepare my heart to do it. it is time. i know it will be very difficult. it is the room of her heart and love of life. it is the best of what she and i shared--our love of unusual things, art, pens, cards, and things. she just was so alive in this room. we had such fun there and dreamed so much when we spent time there. just is hard. i wish it were something i could tuck into my heart and leave with it and store it somewhere safe---and visit there when i wanted...but know that isn't good to do. it is full of dust and lifelessness....and makes me so sad....

i miss her so. talked alot about you today at our group at church. i can talk and all---and then hours later, find that my heart is aching like a broken tooth that doesn't stop...a heart that has been disturbed and needs reset.

i wish i had words to speak about this that had sentences attached, so when rick says, "what is wrong, honey", i could speak and make sense and not have tears fall...talk like it wasn't about to crush me like that same wave that crushed my girl. seems like that will happen...overwhelmed, drowned....in the depth of it. don't have as many times that get this hard now.

got back up and hoped that typing would calm me, help me. soothe my heart, Father...hold me...help me.

it is time...have known it, have said it...then the time slips away...or do i let it, then avoid it...probably both.

so, i need to make a plan and do it...and then, when it is done...then what....ugh..that is what stops me i think part of the time---then...there will be no places that feel like her still. i don't want to be one of those people who leave a room undisturbed...i worry about people like that, and yet...now i know something more about them...how hard it is...

my heart hurts....i miss you...i have so much of living around me...sometimes even that messes with my mind...and there is this confusion that comes then. i let people read my thoughts and blog and then find myself editting myself because it is raw and then people don't know what to say or do...and there is nothing they can say or do---truly, this is my journey. you have your own......and so, i don't want to do that-stop writing, stop feeling my thoughts onto this blog...and writing and scraping the insides out so they are out and not still in. you who read--need to do your own work, your own blogging...your own finding your answers to these questions and thoughts that disturb you. don't worry for me---God has me, i will be fine...

wonder what fine means. talked to a woman today whose 32 year old son dropped dead of a heart attack and now she fears her other son will somehow die too--and i can see the fear in her eyes...that fear of how you can't stop anything from happening---and you are not in control...and your fear and worry will not do one thing to stop anything....yet will rob you of peace and joy and life. i will not let that happen, yet---feeling this stuff that comes out of nowhere, without invitation---and interrupts good days---this thing called grief...and sorrow...well, when it comes, you find that it is still not a friend nor been welcomed. i don't want to not do this thing called grief work---and yet, i do not want to deny nor repress nor all the other things we do when something awful happens---i want to cry and moan and rest and reflect and blog and journal and talk and listen and stop and go and live and breathe...and remember...and miss...and be sad...and hope someday...that i will not be so hit broadside by things...

you just are never prepared for the very unexpected thing that will bring you right to tears...and sorrow--just the simplest thing, the smallest and softest thing...a song, a way a mother holds her daughter's head, or brushes the hair from her face, or a daughter slips her arm around her mom's waist...and neither even really notice how dear and special that moment is...because...they still have one another...

help my eyes not linger and long for what is gone...and to relinguish this to you my father...

i want to remember with full joy--the wonderful life i did have with sarah. i want to savor the many things we did together. we lived. we lived well. we loved well---and i have no regrets...just wanted more. i don't get more. i get different--and i want to enjoy and savor the new wonders you have placed into my dear small hands. sometimes i think i am not up to this new adventure...maybe you think i can do it and i tell you i don't think i can.

i have 2 arms...and they love to hold and hug and will. i am blessed...and get to participate...

ok, back to the room. it is time. chris has been kind to let me pick the time. it is time...help me make a plan, help me to be brave and go. soon.