dearness....

walked the beach and the insides of our hearts yesterday---dear gannetgirl and me...

touched...listened, prayed.

i was humbled to hear her.

i felt heard....seen.

it is a treasure to have this now in my heart, this memory of a common place of mother's pain of loss. both of us have lost a dear child, it has forever changed our life. we are learning a language to speak that has words too hard to say yet---will it ever get easier with practice? i do not think so. the words are so dear...so tender...so full of ache.

she is forever part of my landscape now. as are many of you. these pages of blogging--sharing our journeys through this loss of child, whatever the age, the reason, no matter what....has drawn us together. i am rich because of you in ways i didn't know i could be rich. i am not alone....no matter how often i feel so alone in this deep sadness. mine is mine and yours is yours...but we can see and touch and know that we are not alone. and i then think...for me...that Jesus helped me find you...and you to find me...to help us....

this has been a very hard week for me, my sister, my aunt, my son-in law---as i heard from a couple who had been in the cinque terra the day sarah died...and the husband actually was one of the men who found and threw a life preserver to sarah--to try to save her...
they both wrote their rememberance of that day to us---i could hear their deep agony of trying to help, and she didn't survive....i got to tell them, that she didn't drown, but died of the massive head injury of hitting the fierce rocks....and i hope that brings healing to them....and their words have brought more to me to ponder on this walk. i hope it brings more to Christopher, my dear son in law, who tried so hard to help, almost dying himself...i hope it helps him...as i know the images run in his mind...seeing his dear wife die before his eyes...helpless....oh my....please comfort him and touch him in only the way you can Father....please....

what a journey this is...yesterday it has been 23 full months since that day. next month will be another year---year 2. gannetgirl asked---how was year 2? i have thought more on that since she left...seems like every day of 2 years, it has taken so much of deliberateness to keep breathing. i miss you sarah more than i can even say...life seems so completely not the life i had before. i truly am blessed with so much right now---so am so grateful for my husband, my family...my sweet friends....so please don't think i am grateful...i am....

i just am so profoundly missing my girl...the one i spent more time with...and loved...and cherished...my dear daughter and my best friend. she impacted me so much...and i miss her so. i was not ready to be without her. so is the 2nd year easier, harder...i guess, no answer...but it is a longer year...more silent, more keenly aware of you missing in the days...not as much anesthesia of grief---more acute pain with no numbness...more reality. more having to be intentional to walk, to smile...to make the life work...deliberateness...on purpose living...not as many times that people really ask---"so how are you doing?", not as many times to really grieve with someone else or cry...or at least it feels that way...probably more people would let us if we asked...just hard to ask, hard to know how to do it. it just is messy and not easy, and others miss you too Sarah...so want to help listen to them too.

writing is harder these last months for me...words seem to clog the end of my pens...build up, and no real flow---tried writing more in my personal journal and even that seems harder...so will keep writing here right now, going with the flow.

it is hard. i hate that it has been 2 years since i have a new picture of you, a new voice mail, a new memory. i hate that i don't remember how your voice sounded as well...that you feel far...and i can't find you. i don't like that life has gone on and everywhere i go, you are not part of it at all...you were often so involved in everything...and you are missing. sometimes when others are here....and everyone is talking....i look up on the wall at your picture and you are smiling, but quiet...no sounds...no sarahvoice in the midst...and i have to leave the room...and cry....just seems so odd to have you silent and only there in a painting on the wall....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

this is a road i have traveled a long time on...and know how far to walk down before i can feel the deep pain of it...and don't want to keep going as it leads away from my heart into endless pain...and i am learning more and more....that i can't do it...it takes me out...so, now to turn around again...and come back to today...and press into all i believe of the hope of heaven. i know my relationship with you will never be the same...that it will be more than i can ever imagine and will be good. probably better than good---ha! i sense your presence more in deep peace in my heart this year...a deep peace of a "knowing" that you are good. i long for heaven...for home. i long to not hurt like this and not to hurt again....but life is life and i have no control over it....
so God, I give this all to you today...where i am...where this all is...and again release to you my heart of deep sorrow for this loss....I give you my dear friends and ask you to comfort them as only you do....touch them today too. Help us Lord...to walk this well...and please hold our breaking hearts and catch our hot tears....

just walking

i think i am in italy today, walking in the most beautiful land, with the dearest of people. it now has been over a year since i visited.

i often fly in my mind over there and take the trains from Milano down to the Cinque Terra and get off in Riamaggiore and then walk the walkway through the tunnel of the sea and then climb the stairs and walk through the "walk of love", looking at the chalk art...slowly moving my fingers through the lockets-looking for the american touristor locket...and then moving on....

up the stairway, looking at the seagull mozaic and then down the stairway to the manarola harbor...looking upwards toward Pont Bonfiglio...

why is this land so far from here..so hard to get to...makes the grief on days like today feel like the trip there---so impossible.

oh my....swirls and twirls of brain cells...some that have not been recovered...and my mind has slipped off the block. can't recall as much, and sometimes, don't even remember recent things clearly. almost 2 years---just a month away...

wrecked...my heart feels wrecked...recovered in some ways---full of passion and love...

feels like an old 78 record, skipping around, sometimes playing the song for good long time...and then...skips...and misses the beats...my song gets wrecked too...but the wail...is still long and deep...if you are listening.

heavy in my heart

This journey is sure long. miss you Sarah. I am having a grief time again--and not sure what is the center, nor when i get into it, not sure where I walked in and where i will walk out. seems like there are pockets of deep grief we get into---like falling into a blog.

i have a friend who was in Ireland a few years ago, and he was hiking and was off the path and all of a sudden, he went over his head into a blog and didn't have a clue how he would get out--if ever.

that is what times like this feel like...and it is so overwhelming. you wonder if you have made it down the road at all. and then if you do say something---people then worry and want to do something...but there is not a thing anyone can do--but pray for this place.

i ache...and have been....is it the full moon...the passing of another wedding anniversary with you not here, your house empty---so much moving further into the distance...you not part of a day, or even any recent days...

oh my....

no maps, no landmarks...a solo journey---each of us takes when we lose what is most dear...quietness in my heart...no words to tell others...i feel their grief too for you---and touch their words on the screen, or where ever they come with my small hand and lift them to God...probably like they do for me too...

wow...we are sure made of clay....

leaning into and on you God...fully today.

want to walk to cinque terra today and spend a long time.....miss you.