how can it already be 3 years since you left living on earth? it seems like just yesterday i heard you coming down the outside stairs, talking on your cell phone to one of your dear friends with your "outside voice" and coming into the cottage-throwing your books, your oversized purse down, petting harry...going straight to the frig and looking in (still hadn't said hello to me yet! :o) ) and then looking up over the frig door and saying to me..."Mom, all you have is condiments in here!!" All this time you would be doing that, I would be watching and smiling at you--loving to see you so alive, so full of your life and all you were doing. Then you would come over to me--still on the phone and give me one of our "kisses" that everyone would laugh at!
so, 3 years, and yet, i would not be surprised to see you just walk in again right now--as the last time I saw you-you were so full of joy and life...and then the news came that you were gone. the long trip from turkey to Italy to see you and sit by your broken body with Christopher who was also so broken...and marty and tom and A. Bunny and then Chris's dad...till we were finally handed your warm ashes to bring back to america...
how in the world do you ever get to the place that any of that makes any sense...or can hold it as the story of you-life and death....
such a new land for all of us. i am here in colorado, looking at the mountains....getting ready to go on a guided spiritual retreat today--and I come to you, My Father, with a heart that has so much soreness in it and come with handfuls of questions....and pray for you to see and meet with me and help me to live better and more fuller. i so miss you sarah. i have been blessed with more life...and a full life....that is for sure....and still holding you and all our life and memories close to my heart. so many memories that will never be told again...so many thoughts and places we went, so many things we did...seeing you grow up from a child to a beautiful woman....wow...what a blessing...but then gone. oh my....how to keep on...how to treasure and hold close without it destroying you...those are the tender things that are still here 3 years later.
i am blessed to have others who have lost close now too, so most times, i don't feel insane in that place as i see them in there pain...their sorrow, their journey...and we have somehow joined hands, small hands...and walk this road of loss of a child...young or older...our words we use are put together one chosen letter at a time....to write to each other.
i am blessed to have my family still so close and still so missing you...each having their own grief. I am blessed to have her friends who loved her so....love hearing her stories of blessing them. i love having Christopher still close to my life and heart...after all---she challenged both of us to care for the other if you died...just like you to do that...such a girl.
I love having my new husband, my new family from him....and know you would love each and every one of them...you would love to have brothers and sisters and neices and nephews to love on and enjoy...
i love that i had you for the one i got to be a mom to all those years. i held you close but always loosely--as you were a gift to me...one I never thought I would have. but i did get to have you and raise you--and i sure am proud of you sweet sarah c. you loved well, you laughed well, you lived honestly--sometimes others didn't like that so much--including me a few times :o))), but you were authentic, a jewel in my life...the joy of my journey...thankful i am as yoda would say...
i miss you, more than words can write out of my heart. deeply.
your mom

these 2 pics---one of Christopher, who is right now on our porch...having a fire and drinking a beer...and many of our family and friends will be coming soon to celebrate and remember...unfortunately...i am here in colorado...but my heart is fully there with you....knowing this is where God has directed me for this year. The other picture is of dear sarah...i have posted it before...just a beauty, my girl.

things we hold close

funny...this is now my 2nd time doing this post as my first time got deleted...

so my first run of words is gone...

will try again.

I wrote about the things we hold close...and was talking about how the blue heart on the green paper was given to me by Karen G. while visiting in Seattle....along with the photos to the left...dear to me, held close now. memories...treasures....

coming home from our trip, I found the word sarah written in pipe cleaners on the table in the living room...left by my grandkids who had just visited while we were gone...touched me so deeply...so dear...another of the things I hold close...as I hold them close too...treasures...

and then to the right...a letter and card along with a silver necklace that has a box on it to place some of Sarah's ashes to carry...treasures from Karen j. Got this gift when came home-was in the mail...a gift to mark this 3rd year of my sweet girl gone on before to heaven..

so, the things i hold close are not only the treasures given, but the hearts of the ones i have known for long years and those who have come into my path of life in this season of loss. gifts...gifts from this road, my life now.

i am touched deeply, always amazed at the goodness of God while still here in the land of the living. I sometimes so want to peer across the veil to see them--these ones who have left too early...and just know....

just to know...would help, but it is not the way it gets to be. it is a faith time...a faith that is found under all the stuff that happens...holding the rest of it. solid, whole, not broken...even if I feel like I am.

a deep breath...a tender month...how did 3 years go by...

i still have 5 voice messages on my cell phone that I have to resave every 3 weeks...i lost one of them this year...a dropped call while listening to them...and i cried and cried...like losing her fresh...

i listened to your voice yesterday...wishing me my 55th happy birthday...telling me that thousands of wonderful things would happen to me this year...and many did...but losing you in the days of that year were not part of the wonderful things...but it was one of the most powerful things...and then in the midst of this loss, I met so many new people, went to lands I would have never known--physically, mentally, emotionally....spiritually...the journey still goes on to this day...

never do I know or have an idea of the new things that will come across my path...i now see with different eyes, hear with different ears, smell differently, taste with passion...sip more, eat slower with deliberateness...touch and hold with tenderness..care...carefullness...but never holding it too close...never owning another thing in this life...knowing it is all part of the journey, grateful for the journey. grateful for the ones with me on this journey.

still my heart is quite sore right now...remembering...and trying to keep breathing...these anniversary months are hard...

i won't be here at home on the anniversary this year...will be on a guided spiritual retreat in Estes Park, Colorado at the Barnabus training...we prayed and I felt it was what I needed to do with Rick right now...but many will gather here on the beach with Chris and I know my heart will come and be here too...I hope that I will be ok that day...I want to hear God clearly that day...and trust Him in that day...

I wish my thoughts could come clear right now...it seems that my heart is still some unsettled with leaving here at that day. God come and help...I want to live well right now...and trust...and keep on going forward...to that home that will never end, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death...thank God.

I am glad for my companions...my dear friends who still are close in this path...

well, that is enough for now...