ok, i just don't always have it all together in my heart...a long journey

this journey is long.

there are days my feet walk well, i stand tall....i speak with steadiness....i have clear eyes.

then, something happens and i find myself touched in the tender place of loss...

this time, it was listening to a friend tell my friend's mother--my dear friend who just died...what she needed to do....."you need to eat, you need to ...., you need to............and on and on..."

all said to sayto her with deep love, "take care of yourself"  you need to. 

then i said to her....with a dear tenderness..."you can do what i did....and she turned and looked at me...and i said, "you can drink."  and she said..".it would help the pain, wouldn't it?"

and i said, "it did help me"

and my other friend said--"don't tell her that!"

and I said, as i looked at my friend's mom..."she hasn't lost a child, she doesn't know....."

ugh...

it is amazing that any of us who has let go of our dearest child's hand, ever stood up again. 

now, i don't live there in that place, but i still know how to find it...and it is sometimes very close....i remember the air...the feel, the horror of the days of those early moments--that still cross my doorstep, sometimes too often, most times...no one knows.

another holiday coming...another full moon....more and more your voice is softer in my memory...it is harder to remember....

i miss you.  

i miss you.

i miss you.

miss you sweet C.

as i look at the wild waves today out on the lake, i miss you---
the lake reflects my wild heart today.
tossed, grey, cold.
I remember so many years ago at this time, wondering which day you would decide to be born as we already went past your due date of 11/4.  You waited till the 19th. such a girl...always on your own clock!

just miss you.  miss what life would look like if you were here.  miss talking.  miss making stuff for Christmas...miss planning the meals, what we would need to buy or do on black friday...
i just am sad.  deeply sad at times...no words to say it well.

no vote in this one.  just walking out the results of what happened.  no more whys, just the sadness of what is.
sure do miss you.

i know heaven is coming.  just miss you today.

Am blessed.

Art show went well.  Many came, many were able to grieve again and lean against one another--lean close.  tell stories, smile at memories...

Getting ready to take off for few days to search my thoughts and center.

We will go to a retreat center in Southern Ohio and meet with a Spiritual Director.  Feel like a whole new season is opening to us--maybe the first time it will truly become our journey together.  So much happened over the last years and now, it is time to begin life again...not live in the fragments of what happened after the sudden death.  Stopped working, picked up church work, got to know many new people/family in each other's life--created memories and got to know one another deeply and well. 

I feel a sense of a new thing coming.  I believe I have my new word for the coming year too--it is Essense.

It builds right on top of the word for this year--rhythm....

there is a stirring in me, a new season coming....and yet it feels like this season I am in will be rich with more to come.  I look forward to these next days apart--a time to listen, move slower...savor, discover.

Trying to reach through to the other side is in the quietness of my ache in my heart today.  I feel you Sarah, close, yet unreachable...
I know that people who lose ones they love feel this intensely especially in the loneliness of the journey--the questions in their heart.  As I laid in bed this morning, before I opened my eyes...I just looked and looked around in my soul...seeking...wanting to see you, see what you are doing...see heaven...see my mom...others who have gone...even my sweet friend Sandra, gone just 30 days now....what are you guys up to...are you seeing us wondering?

I listen to Neil today, along with songs that bring you close---Hey Jude...traveling music, remembering camping, traveling, playing, creating, watching movies, eating, drinking....sitting close, holding hands when in the car, phone calls, voice messages...all the preciousness of life on this side....blessed.

So here today, I remember the sorrow of the first news, the crushing realization of you gone...memories like shards of glass-always ripping my heart open...all of our hearts as we relive the first day.  even 4 years later...still cuts as though today.

I will not stay too long here...no good fruit to be picked.  So for now-will go cook frosted flake porkchops, mashed potatoes, green beans, scones, gravy, apply pie and ice cream...and enjoy the time with Christopher and Tif...and drink some good merlot.  good day to eat your favorite meal and remember you. 

I love you....so.

sweet girl

tomorrow will be 4 years since you left earth.

I have met so many people now that have lost children too young and we all somehow lean close on these days....helping to keep us from falling over, falling down.

I can feel your strong arms still hugging my neck...and that hug that held so close. 

miss you sweet girl. 

miss that smile, miss your eyes.

miss your good hearty laugh.

miss your strong opinions.

miss your wonderful way you lived in fullness.

Miss your impact on us-how you challenged us to live and enjoy.

You made a strong impact on me. 

I can remember so many great times--and memories. 

I am grateful for each and every one.

So, tonight-as many of us get ready to have tomorrow pass through our hearts again...I just say thanks.

love you.

September again, 4 years

Manarola, Italy

Beautiful place to be.

What a life this is...

it never stops...new people getting sick, dying, being born....day in and day out.

I sit here and listen to the waves on my beach....am enjoying the day of sun, a fall day...warm...

then I remember....you died in a wave.

then I can't even think straight for a minute.

Wrestle my mind back to a center and then breathe again.

I struggle to know what letter, let alone a word to type next.  All in all, I am doing well.  Life is going on, a good life, full of friends and love and new memories and family.  Truly full of lots of color and joy.  Embracing it is not so hard any more.  Not dropping any pieces of it, savoring and sipping the full glass I have been given...wow.  Thank you God.  I am rich with blessings.  Full of blessings.

Then something happens....or someone says something that slips into my tender and sore heart...and I remember.  Undone then.....most times no one knows...I hold fast to the anchor of you God.  I cry softly to you---hold me....help me not slip down too far. 

I surely miss my sweet Sarah C.  I know the sorrow I see in other's eyes for the one's they miss too---grief...such a journey.  I was talking to my watercolor teacher today and he is having a very serious surgery soon, and he told me his strength and hope is because he believes in God and He holds him.  Somehow I shared briefly about Sarah and her death at 28 and my similar hope in heaven and God.  After class he said, "can I talk with you a few minutes?" So I walked away with him--he is in his late 70s...and he looked at me and said, I lost my only son when he was 26.  I saw in his sweet eyes, the dear sorrow...the pain, the swelling of his tears...and we both were silent for just a brief minute of shared pain.

Long this life is sometimes...it slows down and the heart beat does too...and we wander around our hearts in those slow minutes, remembering---the sorrow crashes into the joy---the memories of the death, then the memories of the joys of their lives...and we are wrecked for some time...till it eases away...

There are these places I have gone with others too who have lost their children, there are no words needed...just a place of holding on...leaning close.  I do feel the presence of many of them as they know I am walking closer and closer to the day of Sarah's death.  I love to remember that this is also the day of her entrance into heaven and her eternal life...but that is not where my feet stay too well yet...I slip back to this is the day of her death, her departure, her last touch on all of our lives...

May these days coming up, find us just close...leaning....remembering....excited for the kingdom to come....yet, held by our Father in a way that a good Dad does...sometimes He just pulls us close and says, "just rest here on my shoulder, I'll hold you close and won't let you go, or fall.  I'm not leaving you...."

I feel you Father.  I ache.  I hate this.  I just do.  I hate that any of us have had to release our kids yet....we weren't done...we had too many things we looked forward to do, dreams of theirs we were watching come into being....

so, that's it for now. 

love that she has art that people like and want to have.  love that she has other's who benefit from the selling of her art to help them in their dream of becoming an Art Therapist...that is cool....Just wish she were here to put it together and walk around in some bright skirt and her wild hair flowing and hear her laugh all the day long.

Sarah's website to purchase art to support her scholarship fund.

Sweet friend Sandra ...ladies group

I am writing early.  Last night I got a telephone call that my dear friend from our Ladies Group of 21+ years died yesterday.  Sandra is the 2nd from left in the bottom row.  Life has been very hard for her in the last few years...

All of them were just here a few weeks ago to celebrate our 21st year as Ladies Group.  Sandra, Susan and I were the original members---starting because Susan wanted to have us come alongside Sandra who had been ill...just the beginnings of a life long, love of friendship of women.  I will miss my dear friend...all of us will...she was core.  She was writing the book of our friendship and love...

Sandra, you know now what we all wonder about...what is after this life...have you seen your dad who died recently...have you seen Sarah, others we love and have lost...what is the wonder of that journey after the last breath on this side....

I will miss you my dearest friend...you have been a strong source of strength for me through all these years when I could barely make it in the trials I have faced.  I remember so many times you would just pull in my drive to stop to check in on me and sit on the stoop and catch my tears...hold me and pray for me.

I can't believe it that you have slipped away...quietly, all alone last evening....
I just have no words yet.
We will all miss you so---we always wondered who of our group would go first, so now you have started the journey we will all follow someday. 

we love you, I love you.  I give tribute to you, my sweet friend and companion.  I will miss you so...the journey here will be more empty with you gone.  I long for heaven more and more....we were not made to bear death.  The sting and sorrow are too heavy for our small shoulders.  Yours were bent low these last months and now the load is gone.

I met with 2 of Sarah's friends just 2 nights ago with my sister and we listened to their tender and dear sorrow of the loss of their dear and precious friend Sarah.  We talked about how the journey of grief with loss of a friend is sometimes more silent and alone as resources are not many for support for that group.  I did not know how quickly I would have to eat those words and digest them for my own journey.  I am blessed to have all my sisters from our group to journey this loss with---bless her 2 sons who now will mourn their mom gone...and her frail mom who will miss her only daughter...  God keep them, help us support them too. 


Sweet Sandra....love you.

birthdays...

sweet girl....sure knew how to do birthdays...miss our times.

thinking of you today---

missing you.

how time flies.

what are you doing today?

so many things to wonder about.

love you. thanks for the memories.

Heartache, moving on...

i am packing to go on the first cruise in 2 days since leaving the ship at Ephesus, Turkey when we found out you died.

I am quiet in my heart. I know it will bring many memories back...want to move through them...and tuck them away into my treasure box to leave there. Tears come to my eyes....softly slip out. I feel like I am carrying a full cup of coffee and trying to walk without spilling it.

Most days my mind isn't wrecked...and then when I dwell on some memories, I can quickly slip away into them, swept off my feet....that same wave seems to come still to us who live and breathe today.

I have been gone from home in Florida for 5 weeks, so am already feeling a bit at sea...far from home, comfort...glad Rick is here....miss my home, my family, my dog...my life.

So, God, please help smooth this journey ahead....and let all live while we are gone. Let us enjoy our time, a vacation...and come home refreshed. not many words, just a full cup of coffee.

New Year 2011

Time moves on and just nothing slows the clock nor the tides or seasons.

I can hardly believe that it is 4 years of dates since you lived here in your body and life. 2007....seems long ago. Amazed at how much has happened, how many new things you have never experienced.

I am trying to figure out how to live a day and the seesaw of then and now.
Trying to live fully.

Trying to honor our life from then and keep you alive without it tripping my step each moment.

Living on.

Knowing that it can happen again...even today.

When is my day...my last day?

Don't want to miss today.

Moments, memories, new things, old things....

dust on the old...blowing off these things, memories....breathing fresh air.

Spring cleaning the soul, my heart...my mother's heart.

don't have many words that spill out of this older fingers that even ache with age. How to do this....hummmmm

oh well, best I can do today.