Just am a bit overdone inside...I have walked almost 5 years of this loss of dear Sarah now...I am not any better at handling it when the grief of it all overwhelms me.

Words don't seem to form up or come into sentences to explain what is happening inside of me any better...maybe not as often do I get to this place of being just wrecked inside.

As I laid in bed this morning asking God, "what is going on in me that I can put into any kind of sense to myself and my husband and even others not knowing what is going on in my heart and soul....

I felt like God showed me how when I got into the briars last week...and couldn't get them off me...they just stuck on my pants, my shoes...my skin and irritated me...that is a good way to describe how you can't seem to get it off...and it is uncomfortable and irritating as hell!

 I want to get to the other side of my pain in me without having to have that deep and aching and agonizing cry and letting it all go....and writing and just sitting in it....
That place just is so overwhelming...so agonizing...so lost...I can see the other side, but there is no mentally jumping over this.  I can feel the full ripeness of this place and just want to not go into it.  I hate it.  I hate the loss...I hate having the sorrow of it.  I hate how tossed my mind gets in it...the craziness of it.  I just want to release it in somekind of way that doesn't cost my heart so much.....
God, I am asking for a gentle way to process this place.

 Tomorrow is September...and the memories of loss and sorrow come.  It just does...and is...still so hard...

memories...

love....

loss....

what a journey....

Almost 5 years now walking this journey of life now with Sarah in heaven.  Getting ready in about 5 weeks to travel back to this land where you died.  I have met many people in these years who too have lost their most precious child--whether young or almost as old or older than me...

As I near this 5 year mark, I find that words are harder to find...like in a scrabble game--waiting to find the right letters to make a word you don't even know yet you will use....


I find these letters not making sense---much like the journey of grief is...many days doesn't make sense at all.  I find myself looking at these squares, trying to find meaning, a word to describe my tender heart...something that will bring understanding to what makes no sense at all.

I am glad for the blank squares--sometimes those work best of all...I can make up a word that fits when nothing in my life seems to fit.

I am sore in my heart these days--sore for my friends who have lost and have birthdays with no one there to blow out the candles for the day at hand...
sore for friends who have to honor their own day when their child left them too.



Sore for my own family who also misses Sarah...and will journey with me and Rick...to this land that somehow holds something so precious.  A journey that may make no sense to many, but the most sense to me. 

Wouldn't it be nice to have it so easy to put together the words like the ones above to describe your heart...Life is not anything like this, but today it makes sense to try to pick up letter by letter...and place it somewhere to make it make sense...