the day after hangover

this morning, the word-hangover...came to me...a grief hangover...

the first sip and drink of memories is so good...makes you smile...you remember and then you have another and another....

pretty soon, memories become harder...full of the truth of the fullness of your death...and then the sorrow sets in...your heart begins to ache....

deeply.

you see it in other's eyes you are with...the sorrow if full in them too...

so...today...a tender day of repacking for the journey.  What do you do with a hangover...you take care of yourself...drink alot of water, get a massage...write...rest.

and keep walking on.  It is a road that is long.  I see many others on this same journey.  I call to them, they wave...I see.  i embrace today.  the gift of life.  I hope in heaven...and all that it holds.  

thankful.  what a good day it was, remembering you, being with the ones I love...flowers, toasts, wine, cards...tears...many tears.  Held.

not alone.

 10 years....in rememberance of you.

 my fellow travelers...through it all...

 another one who misses you so....

 Finally found....10 years it was right in my bathroom in the Bath and Body Works container...found...and worn....and loved.

So, a year later, marking 10 years.  Some of the pictures marking another year you are gone away.  I feel a bit more like you have been gone a very, very long time. 

I found myself in my studio yesterday, the day before your death, looking around at all the art we have created for our fall show and thought...you have never seen all this, yet I sense you have.  I wish I could hear you say something like, "Wow mom, didn't know you had all this in you." ...in your really amazed voice...of course, holding a big glass of Merlot, getting ready to toast it all.

You were an amazing part of my life.  You grew into fullness and vigor...and such passion---unleashed.  Many who knew you were drawn to that fullness of life.  Me too---I was amazed at the beauty you had become.  I remember your battles when you were young...so many...yet, you pressed in and on, you did your work.  

So, here we are, a year later...still missing you, still here.  Someday, we will be gone too.

my heart aches...a fierce ache...a deep place that water doesn't seem to reach quite yet, so soften.  I feel like part of me left for sure when you did.  Something I will never recover in this life.  It is a mom's part...left a hole...a place never filled or fixed.  a limp.

many have continued to journey this road near me...this year has been full of life.  many new memories made.  yet,  your voice is silent...even if we often say what we thing you would say...it is still in our false "Sarah's" voice...and we laugh...and then each of us is quiet in that place and we miss you.  

The day is beginning to get light out...coffee feels warm in my belly.  Candles and music and the smell of roses scent the air.   The day will begin...we will do our best to toast you...try not to slide into the place of death memories that still haunt us uninvited.  That is not a place to be.  To live...so, again...I say, I love you my sweet girl, my sarah c.   my pumpkin noodle.  you were the best...can't wait to see you again.  

your mom....
and your dad who misses you so too.