9/27/2019   
12 years.  I don't even know this road..

grief is a long journey if you keep living and i am trying my best to do that.  i am not sure how many days i will be given, and that is the wonder of it.  HOPE is my core of my heart.  I HOPE with all my being.  I stay to the course, the path given.  I fix my eyes on Jesus. Hope springs forth--sometimes heaven feels so very close. i close my eyes and sense....

i miss you sweet girl.  i think of you so very often.  i wonder and if too long...i can slip into place of deep sorrow.  i guess that is how us momma's do it when one of our babies goes to heaven before we do.
 we cared so for you for however many years or days we were given after carrying you in our belly---or waiting for you to arrive however you did--to our welcoming arms.  i couldn't wait to hold you.  i held my belly long before i held you in my arms and i never got enough of that.  i can still feel your hugs.

 i am that...a grieving momma...those words are a lament...a song sung in my soul...sometimes the sound that can come from my soul is so deep and cutting...i feel i could pull out my heart and squeeze it till all is gone...i am not the same.  i have changed.  i walk and run and work and play and paint and laugh and cook and sleep...but i am not the same.  my core is changed.  a part of me is gone.  it just is.

 This man is a true gift given to me.  i am grateful beyond any words i could ever say.  I can't imagine how my life would have been without this gift.  I am just loved, held, a partner with the kindness man i've ever know.  thank you Father.  So many fires were made on this beach...with so many people who came to remember....I miss them all this year, as this year is different...we will not be with any of them.  We live in a new land.

 i miss this land...our beach...our lake...a place i wish today i could sink my toes into.  we have a new land.  we have many new beautiful beaches, but today and in these days...i want to be here.

 where i am in my heart right now---lingering...sitting on the bench infront of your plaque...quiet, watching the water...listening...waiting...i don't know what for...but i need to stay for a long time.

 yes, by so many.  and you are...so loved.

you are my sweet girl.  i will hold you again someday, but all will be changed...and i can't even imagine. it will be fuller and more than i can imagine...and i will run with a freedom i can only imagine.  HOPE will be fulfilled with all the best of the best.  I will see and know and no more pain or sorrow...

but for now.....
i will press on.  I will love well and full.  I will breathe deeply and fully of moments.  I will toast small things and big things.  I will listen and be near and present as best I can.

in the midst of that, the well of my tears is full and spills out...so this week of your death anniversary when you were so very young...i will walk softly, carefully.  i get lost and it is hard.  no map.

no map.

New land 2019

Wow.

It is hard to believe we have moved and are now in New Bern NC.  I find this move challenging in so many ways--leaving behind my family and friends again.  I moved back in the 80s to Newark Ohio when going through my divorce.  Then moved back home in 2002 when Sarah had moved to pursue her relationship with Christopher.  I stayed there--eventually moving back into our beach cottage in 2004 and stayed there till we moved a month ago.

Just wow....so here I am.  In a whole new land.  Unpacking and choosing what can stay, what will be part of the journey here.  It has been sort of deeply freeing in a way...a finding of myself in a place I haven't really taken the time to do ever...seems like careers, and other things always banter for time and your energy. 

I am sitting in what will be my new studio.  Oddly enough, in the last year as we considered relocation--to who knows where, I began to feel I had outgrown the space Rick had created for me.  It felt tight, I worked more in the garage...yet still loved being in there.  As I began to pack last June--I started with my Sarah's corner--a place to honor and remember...and just savor my heart. 

I tucked away these precious few things I had kept to remind me...to treasure and keep...little things...of no value to anyone but me...

So now, here I am in a whole new place, touching and feeling these same things again...trying to discover if they will find a home here..and oddly enough...some are and some are not.  I find myself entering a new season of what it is like to live while missing your sweet daughter...who is gone over 10 years...tender is my heart with this...

I can hardly find words that help this even make sense...My word for 2019 is Pilgrimage...and it is a deep and full word...I've been on this for many years, yet this year, it makes sense to hold it before me.  A pilgrim is a brave soul willing to venture forth to a new land...to discover...what will be discovered. 

A pilgrim can't carry too much or your hands will be too full to touch and embrace anything new...so the treasure box is a place you can leave things to venture forth.  I am doing this every day right now--it is part of this new season.  A season closer to heaven too for me.  I don't want to hold onto anything that keeps me from doing this, so am being quite brave...

I have had a rich and full life...and am so very grateful.  I wish Sarah were here to see and know...yet, I don't think I would be doing this is my life were full of her and her children and life to be lived with that gift.....
Rick's kids and grands are all beginning to live their own lives--as they are older.  I hope we are good examples of living full.

So, here it is, today...a day I am beginning to see a new land, a new place to live from...thankful for Rick.  Memories of my sweet Sarah C...tucked in my heart...Hoping to someday tell her I was brave enough to keep on and live from a fullness...coraggio...