9/27/2019   
12 years.  I don't even know this road..

grief is a long journey if you keep living and i am trying my best to do that.  i am not sure how many days i will be given, and that is the wonder of it.  HOPE is my core of my heart.  I HOPE with all my being.  I stay to the course, the path given.  I fix my eyes on Jesus. Hope springs forth--sometimes heaven feels so very close. i close my eyes and sense....

i miss you sweet girl.  i think of you so very often.  i wonder and if too long...i can slip into place of deep sorrow.  i guess that is how us momma's do it when one of our babies goes to heaven before we do.
 we cared so for you for however many years or days we were given after carrying you in our belly---or waiting for you to arrive however you did--to our welcoming arms.  i couldn't wait to hold you.  i held my belly long before i held you in my arms and i never got enough of that.  i can still feel your hugs.

 i am that...a grieving momma...those words are a lament...a song sung in my soul...sometimes the sound that can come from my soul is so deep and cutting...i feel i could pull out my heart and squeeze it till all is gone...i am not the same.  i have changed.  i walk and run and work and play and paint and laugh and cook and sleep...but i am not the same.  my core is changed.  a part of me is gone.  it just is.

 This man is a true gift given to me.  i am grateful beyond any words i could ever say.  I can't imagine how my life would have been without this gift.  I am just loved, held, a partner with the kindness man i've ever know.  thank you Father.  So many fires were made on this beach...with so many people who came to remember....I miss them all this year, as this year is different...we will not be with any of them.  We live in a new land.

 i miss this land...our beach...our lake...a place i wish today i could sink my toes into.  we have a new land.  we have many new beautiful beaches, but today and in these days...i want to be here.

 where i am in my heart right now---lingering...sitting on the bench infront of your plaque...quiet, watching the water...listening...waiting...i don't know what for...but i need to stay for a long time.

 yes, by so many.  and you are...so loved.

you are my sweet girl.  i will hold you again someday, but all will be changed...and i can't even imagine. it will be fuller and more than i can imagine...and i will run with a freedom i can only imagine.  HOPE will be fulfilled with all the best of the best.  I will see and know and no more pain or sorrow...

but for now.....
i will press on.  I will love well and full.  I will breathe deeply and fully of moments.  I will toast small things and big things.  I will listen and be near and present as best I can.

in the midst of that, the well of my tears is full and spills out...so this week of your death anniversary when you were so very young...i will walk softly, carefully.  i get lost and it is hard.  no map.

no map.